Today is the 1 year anniversary of my son’s KIA date

One year! It feels like it was one minute ago. He was here then he was gone. It was supposed to be a routine training mission. He was supposed to be home in a few hours. But instead it’s been one year. Daniel was the pilot of an Army Blackhawk that crashed in Alabama. It was caught on a ring doorbell camera. News stations around the world aired the crash video over and over. His homecoming was live streamed, his memorial service was live streamed. We couldn’t get away from the hounds constantly calling for an interview. One year!

I can’t breathe, I can’t think about anything but his beautiful face. My heart breaks for my grandkids who will never know his sacrifice, all they know is daddy is never coming home.

At one point in the last year my heartbreak told my head that I wanted to be with him. But I thought of my grandkids and knew they didn’t deserve to lose two people who love them. I checked myself into the hospital for major depressive disorder which helped for the five days I was there, so now what? I’ve been so angry because no one around me feels as horrible as I do. My educated self knows how ridiculous that sounds and that no one will ever feel the same way I feel so I’m learning to let that anger go.

The only support system I have are my fellows in AA and they are wonderful people. They can help me stay sober but they can’t help me to cope with this pain. We have a saying in our group that our stories may all be different but the feelings inside are the same so here I am hoping to find others who know how I feel and can help guide me through it.

 

Hello Kim, I too come from a military family, so I want to thank you for your sacrifice. I understand that probably falls flat right now because of your devastating loss. My sincerest condolences. I can only imagine having the tragedy televised in so many ways, such a violation!

I'm glad that you found a reason not to harm yourself and to stay here with us. You'll find some good support on this site from so many that have walked in your shoes.

Blessings for your special mother's heart

~Michael

 

Hi Kim. I am so sorry for your loss. From one mother who has felt this devastating loss to another who is also walking the grief walk of pain and heartache, I send you love.
You have experienced such a suddent unexpected loss just as I have, and I know the unbelievable difficulty of trying to cope with that kind of loss. You are in a grief walk that no one can really understand except one who has gone through the same thing, and that is why we are here. Others want to comfort and help, but the only true help comes from leaning on God. Only He has the resources to bring us through something like this.
I, too, considered suicide. Even planned a way that could happen, but I knew God would not accept it from me because I was not mentally ill as my son was. You will be glad later on that you did not follow through on it. As you said, we have loved ones who have already suffered a terrible loss and another one on top of that would be unthinkable.
You are right that no one around you feels as horrible as you do, but as a coworker said to me, 'I am glad they don't understand because they would have to suffer the same kind of loss I did, and I don't wish that on anyone.'
Anger over such a loss is normal. You will find a lot of the feelings you will be having make you think you are going crazy, but they are just part of grief. I am glad you turned to this site, because people here are so kind and unjudgmental. They have also suffered great losses and understand how horrible it is.
God is with you and He will bring you through this, as He did me, even when that seems impossible. Turn to Him and cry out your feelings to Him. He will strengthen you and help you to go on.
Love,
Chris

 

Hi Kim, Your son's sacrifice will never be forgotten and although, because of his military background, everything has felt just too much, in time, perhaps knowing your son's life had purpose, will bring some consolation. Yes, all our stories are very different, but the feelings inside are the same and, though we can grasp this idea, we each seem to struggle to actually express how we really feel. Maybe we feel we will be judged in our weakness or maybe like me, just finding the words to really express the impact of a son's death, is a constant struggle.
Your son was selfless in his work and you are special to be able to keep going.
God bless.
Beth.

 

May God bless you also, Beth

 

Beth,
I am sorry for your loss. I don't see us as having weaknesses, because what kind of a relationship would it have been, if we didn't feel this awful grief? It is not an expression of weakness, but of deep love to grieve for someone you were close to who is no longer present.
No one here will judge you. I have never had one person criticize me no matter what I have said, so feel comfortable to be able to share your feelings as you feel led. I found that no one had to have an answer for what I was feeling or for the questions that arose in my mind, because with the prayers of a counselor as I shared these feelings, God always sent an answer. Even when he told me one time when I had shared something troubling me we don't always get an answer to our questions, God still gave me an answer anyway.
Your loss is real and valid.
We care about you,
Chris

 

Thank you Chris,

Your reply was very kind.

I attended a bereavement support group not long after Andrew, my son, had died and their reaction surprised me because I did feel judged. I suppose, because of that, and at a very vulnerable time, it is easy to think that is the reaction one will always get.
I have only just joined the site, so still finding my way round.

It is good to read that God has given you answers to some of your troubling thoughts. He is worth trusting and holding on to and is the most consistent source of friendship and inspiration we will ever have.

Take care.
Beth

 

I am so sorry that you came away from that group feeling judged. A bereavement group of all places should offer love and understanding, not judgement.
Jesus said, 'do not judge'. That is becasue we cannot judge-meaning we don't have all the facts, haven't been through the same experiences, and lack the understanding that God has of the person, to be able to judge. We just are not capable of judging rightly. He said people would know us by our love one for another, not by our judging each other. There is no denying we all have faults and make mistakes, but that is to discuss with God, not each other.
I offer you the hand of friendship and love you so badly need at this time in your life.
You are precious to God and to us.
Chris

 

Thank you Chris.

I feel so touched by your words. God's word offers us so much and to freely share that with others is a wonderful gift, thank you.
Your offer of friendship and love is gratefully accepted.

God bless you.

Beth

 

Thank you. Have a blessed week.