Three years through grief.

Im Angel, and I'm 54 years young. I've had my share of grief through the years. I had a son at the age of 19. I lost him to a terminal illness at 4 1/2 years old. Greif was tolible because of his illness was from a baby. Then, in 1990, I lost my mother from a massive heart attack. When I was 36, I lost my dad from suicide.
I don't have any close family members. Everyone seems to be gone. I have a sister and brother 900 miles away. No contact except through social media once in a blue moon. Through all that, the real grief came 3 years ago, when I lost my partner of 19 years after a very long sickness. To which I was giving all my time to care giving. The illness was a slow process. I watched as it worsened each day. When it finally became fatal, I thought I could handle it. I just knew I'd get through it like I always have. But, I was wrong. I lost all motivation. I have a feeling of waiting. On what, I wish I knew. I have depression and anxiety disorder. I eat and eat, and eat, when I feel lonely, Trying to use food as a medicine, I over eat and it makes me miserable. I'm starting to develop issues with my health. I just don't know what to do to get better and find my will again. Sometimes, I feel like I'm waiting to die.

 

You have been through a lot Grieving Angel. I do not know if you have tried attending a grief share or bereavement class. I found grief share very helpful, and I still attend meetings when I feel I need some extra support. I am glad I stumbled upon this site. Helps to know I am not alone in some of my feelings!

 

I have a similar story. Except I didn't lose a child. I did lose several people and my husband was ill for a long time and I cared for him and watched him slowly die over 10 yrs. I also thought that I would be ok bc he would be in heaven and his suffering and pain would be over. I was also wrong. It's been 3yrs almost. Bc he was sick it was just us and our 5 kids. No friends. I did have family but I couldn't talk to them. To summarize I leaned on my faith. Found people that told me that I mattered and getting up was enough. I subscribed to daily Bible versus bc I needed them for encouragement. I did devotionals daily. I prayed. Bc I knew that I needed God but I was mad and definitely not where I wanted to read the Bible. Then I added worship songs. The depression started getting better. I downloaded the Bible app. I prayed when I woke up and read a devotional. It kept track of each time I prayed and read a devotional. At first I skipped days on accident and sometimes I did it thinking I would do it later. At the end of the week I would see the missed days on the tracker. I set a small goal of never missing a day. After awhile it became a habit. Then slowly but surely everything changed. I wasn't depressed like I was. In fact I am rarely depressed. When I am I know how to stop and fix it. I am human so I do still have bad days bc I listen to the lies. I am apparently very bad at summarizing. Sorry about that. Read your Bible 4 times a wk. Follow people like Joyce Meyer and Bobby Chandler and the trent tribe and itschurchlife and therealcoach on Instagram. They have helped me. The important part is reading the Bible. They just helped me understand it better. Reading the Bible has no bad side effects and is free. I gave my stress eating to the Lord. I don't have the cravings for junk food when I am stressed. Food isn't so important anymore. All your eating issues and health problems just give them to God. If you mess up just keep going. It was a moment of weakness but when you keep giving it to God you will have less moments of weakness as you grow. Worship songs like Smile by Kirk Franklin and God is in this story and Brighter Days by Blessings Offer and Walking Free by Micah Taylor and Beautiful Day by Jamie Grace helped me through some very hard days. Just know all the depression is lies the enemy is telling you. Negative thoughts and words have real power. Start focusing on positive words and thoughts. Just know that Jesus loves you and wants only the best for you. Have faith things will workout for the best. Don't compare your life with others you have your own calling. Focus on being grateful and thankful.