Thoughts at Oh-Dark Hundred

This post will be the thoughts running through my mind during the wee hours of the night...there may be profanity.

"Whatever doesn't kill you make you stronger, right?"
"No...it makes you who you are."

Stefaan's words is still so clear in my mind, even after so many years.
I still wonder what he meant by that. "It makes you who you are..." is this supposed to be who I am? Someone who is just so consumed by grief, even after this many years?

Death is supposed to be all around us but I feel like I'm the only person around me who knows what death/grief feels like. And because of that I have to be pretend to be okay. Even when I wasn't and I couldn't hold it together anymore, D told me to get my emotions in check. What the fuck? Who says that kind of things?

She clearly don't know what she's talking about. She have no idea how much it still hurts and how it's still aches this much after this many years. When grief strikes, my chest hurts like no other. It's not a figuratively hurt, I actually ache.

All the loss...why, just why? Why must they die? Back in 2nd grade when grandpa passed away, I shed no tears. Maybe because I was too young but I felt nothing. No tears. No emotions. Like it never happened. I didn't understand grief and the pain...but boy, do I know it now.

December, 2004. Mr. H.
January 2007, Billy.
March, 2007. Daddy
June, 2007. Derek
March, 2008. David.

All these people...just...why? And why, after this many years, does it still fucking hurts like this? Why after all these years...do my heart still aches like there is no tomorrow. Just...why?

I got a fortune cookie once that said "It is by those who have suffered that the world is most advanced."
I cried and that fortune still sits on the monitor. Is this how it supposed to be? Is this how it'll be?

I still hurt. After this many years...
1 year apart...almost close to the same date. Why...just why? Is this some kind of punishment? When will it get better, when will I stop hurting...

Daddy...I still feel like a little girl. Just oh so lost. You dropped me off in the morning and I didn't even say bye. What was I so busy rushing for? Why did I not say bye to you that day or text/call you to tell you I love you. Why? Why must A find your lifeless body, why not me? Mom/aunt/uncle decided not to do an autopsy. Why? How did you pass? Were you in pain? 13 years and I'm still crying like a baby and it still fucking hurts. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are so hard without you. 13 years and it's still so fucking difficult. Why? Just...why?

David...I fell in love with you. I know...but I did. I fell in love with you. You were my first love. I heard the news from A and had to call your phone. It went to voicemail. I just had to hear your voice again. I just had to make sure it wasn't real. You love being a Marine...you couldn't get enough of it and you couldn't wait to do more. Why did that bus driver have to drive so fast? Why must you be the only one who died from that accident? Why did I ignore all the IMs you sent me? I shouldn't have I shouldn't have....I love you, David...I love you. I still do and it still fucking stings and hurt every single day. Your mom and I talk a lot now...I am trying my best to keep her company...she told me one day that she loves me like a daughter and I cried loads of ugly tears as the "what ifs" flooded my brain. I still hurt...even after a dozen years. I still love you, I still ache. I still ache.

Father's Day is coming up, Daddy...I know I'm still used to Father's Day in August but it's coming up. I'm dreading it and attempting to avoid it. I wish you were here so we can celebrate it. There's no number to wherever you are. I wish there was. I miss you. I still ache.

 

July 2007. Matthew.
I still don't understand how kids like you get cancer then die. You're just a kid. I was a kid then too when I met you but seeing you fight your battles and cheering you on then seeing your parents and M's pain and grief hurts. I thought about you just now when I was talking to M. I hope you understand that I'm not trying to replace you as your parents' kid or M/J's sibling. I'm just trying to be here for them today. It still hurts, knowing that you didn't get to grow up, knowing you didn't get to finish your Pokemon card collection. It hurts. It still hurts.