This time it is weird

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by DizzyLizzy26, Jan 18, 2019.

  1. DizzyLizzy26

    DizzyLizzy26 New Member

    In early November my dad passed away after a brief illness. He was 86, a lifetime smoker and an alcoholic. I hadn't seen him since March 2003, but in the last seven years since my Mom died we had spoken several times a year; usually with me getting angry with him. (My parents separated in 1997 and divorced in 2008 just before their 50th wedding anniversary).

    I am an only child.

    Needless to say I didn't see my dad before he died. He lived in New York City and I am in the SF Bay Area. I felt like he and I had made our peace (over the telephone) after my Mom died. Nothing else needed to be said.
    My dad was an Army vet and prepaid for his funeral in a military cemetery on Long Island. I flew out the night before his funeral, attended with several of my cousins and then flew home the same day. That was enough of dealing with those emotions.

    In typical Irish Catholic fashion I pushed my feelings down, way down and got on with my life. BUT now those feelings are bursting through. Thus the reason for me finding this forum and sharing my feelings.

    This time it is weird.

    When my Mom died seven years ago it was very sudden. As I feared she died in her sleep in the apartment we shared. Afterwards, it was the first time I ever lived a lone (in 44 years of life). By that point my parents had been apart for 14 years and I hadn't seen my dad since 2003.

    My whole world turned upside down. In the end it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I loved my Mom dearly, but as long as she was alive I would always be the child and she the parent (despite the fact that I paid most of the bills).
    Long-time friends of mine said it looked like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. In many ways it did.

    I subsequently picked up and moved across the country and began a new life 14 months later away from the ghosts. All the while my dad was alive and there was still that live connection.

    In the 6+ years since I have gotten away from the ghosts of my past I have flourished. I am truly living the life I was always meant to be.

    Then my dad died and I honestly don't know how I should react. What do I mourn? He hasn't been a father to me in 30 years. As I said at his funeral I hope he has found the peace in the after life that he never found in this life. And then I added "and you're still an asshole."

    Do I mourn the fact that now I am now in that category where my both of my parents are dead? Do I live my life now trying to honor them like the good-girl I was raised to be?

    Mourning this time is very weird.

    Thanks for letting me share.

  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Liz, thank you for being here. I'm so sorry for your losses and all the struggles that go with it. We're glad you've found us, I hope it can be a help. We have an article regarding the loss of a parent, that may offer some insight to this type of loss. It can be so very hard and our members here truly understand. I wish you all the best~
  3. DizzyLizzy26

    DizzyLizzy26 New Member

    Thanks. I appreciate it. I'll check out that article.
  4. SarahNYC

    SarahNYC New Member

    Hi Liz, I'm new to this site and read your post and felt very connected. My mother recently died after a long battle with cancer, but my father had also died three years before. So now I am - also an only child - alone and dealing with not having parents anymore. I'm 33 years old. I miss them very much and am sad that my 4.5 year old son won't be able to have his grandparents in his life. We do have nice pictures though.

    I understand when you say "this time it's weird." I agree... I lived far away from my mom, and now when I returned home it seems so weird. There is no one to send a text to anymore... there are all of these moments when I would have been in touch or sent her a picture. It's such a weird thing to deal with. I'm happy I found this forum. I hope you are managing to get on.
  5. middlechild

    middlechild Member

    this made me laugh. my situation was different, but there's a sibling i saw for the first time in 20+ years when our dad was dying. four days of deathwatch with the three of us, so i relate at least to the idea of a person you are 'related' to and have no relationship with.

    it makes things profoundly and seriously weird when all the bystanders and onlookers are projecting their own interpretation onto the sight of the three of us during those days. i've had to leave a few conversations a bit abruptly :p
  6. DizzyLizzy26

    DizzyLizzy26 New Member

    Thanks for sharing.

    Four months since I first posted and it is still weird.
    I am not looking forward to Mother’s Day. I really want to hide literally and figuratively.
    My wife says “it is what you make of it.” Yeah, both of your parents are still alive, so ... you have shitty relations with both, but they are alive.
    Mountain air and middlechild like this.