The sudden loss of my husband, my partner in adventure…

My amazing, husband, my love and partner in adventure, died suddenly on March 1, 2024. He would have been 62 in mid March. We had so many plans, and were in such a good place in our lives.
We had a normal evening on Feb 29, we talked about our upcoming plans for his birthday, and what was on for the next day. He had a lunch with a business friend, I had an early morning appointment.
I came home just before noon. His truck was still in the driveway. I thought wtf? He should have left by now?
He was still in bed. But, he had died…never got out of bed. I remember him snoring last night, reaching out to touch me. It was and still seems surreal. This is not right, he should be here. I live through this every day. He had no issues that would have predicted a sudden death. I am shattered, lost, it has been almost 6 months and I just can’t stand this pain.

 

MvMel, I am so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience. In December of 2023, my wife of 34 years had foot surgery. Early on the morning of Dec 30, she had a pulmonary embolism and died. She was 59 at the time. The shock and loss are unbearable. For the first few months I was just in an unbelieving fog and the pain is still fresh. The only things that have gotten me through this has been GriefShare. GriefShare is a Christian based group therapy, that I would strongly recommend. If you are not Christian (or are not comfortable with a religious group therapy), I encourage you to get into one of the many other types of counseling. For me, the group support far outweighs the one-on-one counseling, which I also participate in. If you need anyone to talk to, we are here for you. We know and feel your pain. So sorry.

 

Thank you Sparky, I did go through 7 sessions of one on one counselling. It helped, however I will look into local group therapy sessions. This site also seems like a comfortable place to connect and share, and your reply has already helped. I know I am not alone in this. I just can’t picture a happy life going forward…right now.

 

Hello MyMel, I just want to reach out and let you know that you are not alone in your pain. We understand that bottomless well of pain that is beyond heart-wrenching. My deepest condolences for the loss of your husband and partner in adventure. Sudden death is such a shock to the system and upends your life in ways never thought possible.

My partner Edward's death was not sudden, it was instead a long, slow march to the end. His/our hope was to have a kidney transplant, he had been on dialysis for 11 years. He developed heart failure that was the cause of his demise. We were together for 30 years and blessed by many good memories and adventures. I will never get over my loss of him. I'm 19 months into my grief journey, the pain has not lessened, but at least I'm back on auto-pilot with a regular daily routine (which was difficult because I'm retired and don't have a 'work schedule')

One of my local Hospice organizations offered 12-week group therapy sessions. I attended 24 sessions. It helped tremendously because the entire group had lost their spouse/partner - a shared experience of unbearable pain. After those sessions I began individual grief therapy through that same hospice, which has included EMDR therapy to help me with my PTSD due to trauma of what I endured on the day of his death. I'd say overall I feel about 30% better now.
The second year has been the hardest so far because I'm no longer numb or in shock. Now I'm just left with a hole in my heart.

My prayers and support reach out to you during your grief journey. Peace be in your heart.
~ Michael

 

Thank you so much Michael. I appreciate your reply. We both share unimaginable pain, and even though I don’t know you, it somehow supports me to hear what you have been through. For your loss, knowing and hoping things may have been different, must be excruciating. So tragic and my sincerest condolences for the loss of your Edward.
I know my grief is in its early stages. I will never be the same and my life will be very different. I don’t think that other people in my life, with good intentions, understand how much a loss like this, takes a toll. One friend, who recently lost her husband, shared this quote with me, which I really like, and used it at my husbands ‘Celebration of Life’…. ‘Grief is a passage, not a place to stay. It is not a sign of weakness nor lack of faith. It is the price of love’.
I hear you regarding a routine, and going through the motions. The hole in your heart is something I know for me, will always be there too.

 

I have well-intentioned folks in my life too, they get weary because they just don't understand. None of my family or friends have lost their spouse so they just don't get it. I have to cycle through them one at a time when I need to share my feelings because I don't want to 'wear out my welcome'. It's a very good thing that I'm doing individual therapy on the side - objective perspective from someone else provides me with other ideas and options.

I like the quote you shared. I believe that the level of grief is compensatory to the heights of love experienced. It helps to know that we'll never get over this, so we don't have to search for answers or solutions. We just have to learn how to let go and ride the waves of life... our new life.

Be kind to yourself. Don't forget to eat, sleep, and brush your teeth.
Peace be with you.
~ Michael

 

Hi, guys. I've been reading your posts and I can definitely relate to the things you're saying. On September 16, 2023, I lost my 53 year old husband suddenly, too. It wasn't the same as the way you lost your loved ones...he died from a drug over-dose. The night it happened, I had fallen asleep on the couch. Early the next morning, I woke up and decided to go up to bed for a couple more hours of sleep and that's when I found him. And just like that, my life was over. Ever since, I feel so empty and so, so sad. I've started therapy and she recommended I give this a try. Lance was my rock, I thought we'd grow old together. Never, ever, ever was I prepared for this. I'm sorry to keep babbling like this. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in your pain...but it sure is a horrible way to feel connected to someone.
Take care,
Kathy

 

Hello Everyone,
New to this site today. I too lost my Husband of 40 years in March 2024 and he also was 61. He passed away from an aortic dysection suddenly on a Sunday morning. He was an avid weight lifter and the M.E. told me this was not uncommon for those that lift the heavy, heavy weights that he did. He was 267 pounds and had 62" shoulders, he was a big man. I cry everyday, and am crying even now as I type this. I feel so alone, we had never been apart one day in 40 years and I'm unconsolable over the loss of my best friend and partner in all. Our Son is 32 and has been amazing and we are as thick as thieves, but even he does not know the hole in my heart and despair that I feel over this. I found this site by typing in 'lost my husband 8 months ago and can't quit crying' to see if anyone could help by telling me when this pain ends. However, it would seem that alot of comments state that it will never end, but may dull over time. I have reached out to mediums and have tried meditation to contact him on the other side, even though I have had great sessions with these ladies, I can't stand that I will never hug him again or smell him and it made me feel so safe. I need to know he's okay whereever he is and would love to hear his voice again. Has anyone been able to contact their loved ones on the other side ? I know there are people that don't believe in that, but I happen to be one that does and would love to hear from someone that has been able to communicate with their spouse on the other side and how they went about it. I'll go and drink a bunch of water now, as I think I just lost 16 ounces from the cry.
Kymber

 

I, too, have tried reaching out to my late husband. There's so many questions I have for him that I thought he'd have plenty of time to answer. So I contacted a medium and we did the session over the phone. She said she could see him and talk to him and she said all the right things but I didn't feel that "connection", if you know what I mean. It didn't feel like he was really there. Still, it was nice to hear her say all those things I needed to hear but I'm like you, Kymber, I'd love to be able to "talk" to him one more time. I know exactly what you mean about the sound of his voice. I used to joke with him that even after 27 years of marriage, his voice still gave me butterflies. And it did, too. If you have any luck finding someone to help you who you believe is the "real thing", please let me know. I'd pay almost anything to hear from him again. Take care and if you need to talk, I'm here.
Kathy

 

Hi Kathy !
The one medium I used was very accurate in what my husband looked like and relayed messages that were very like the way he would. However, I did not "feel" him either, like you described your experience. I've tried hard to allow things to "come through" to feel him or sense him to no avail. I don't mind saying, it has cracked some of the shell of my beliefs in the afterlife. Are we expected to fill our voids with someone else ? or food ? what ? I watch TV alone and am sad when I can't laugh with him on something or mock someone in the show with him .... where do we go from here ?
Kymber

 

That is SUCH a good question, Kymber! I wish I knew the answer. All I can tell you is what I do. I don't work so I fill my days with drawing, reading, Sudoku and watching TV. People tell me I should volunteer or something since I have all this time on my hands but I've never been a 'people person", especially since he's been gone. I just want to be left alone. I just started seeing a therapist on-line. I'm not sure if it's helping or not, it's only been about a month. All I know is that this pain and loss I feel since his death has not gone away or diminished, no matter what I do. I'm crying right now. I still cry every single day and I don't understand why he was taken away from me. I'm sorry I can't be more help but I'll always listen to what you have to say. It seems like we're feeling the same things.
Kathy

 

I think we are going through very similar grief Kathy. Sometimes it feels like it can't be real, when you know it really is. Sometimes you wonder what they went through in their last moments and feel awful for not being there. Sometimes you wonder what it feels like to suddenly die yourself. Sometimes you wonder if you're the only one to "sometimes" think these things and if you may be "all the time" crazy now. All I know is that I have that slight on the 'verge of tears' feeling all the time and it takes relatively nothing to have the waterworks start all over again and the overwhelming feeling of 'all by yourself now' makes you feel scared and alone. I know our relationship had its faults and I know I wasn't perfect, nor was he; but we made a great team and I can't get over missing him !!! Maybe that's what our 'soul contract' stated, is that one of us had to go through the grief of loss, while the other could only watch and learn. I would just like to talk to the 'Boss' of the other side and have them send me an outline and explanation of what the #8%@ happened here ?
I run a company here in Canada and wish I could have a meeting and strategize a solution, just like I do for every other crisis. Without the right tools or being able to call the other parties to the table, I'm at a loss ! LOL ! Sigh ! Have a great night Kathy and we should chat more !
Kymber

 

Hi Kymber! I can't believe how similar our feelings are! Reading your posts are like listening to myself talk! Even though Lance has been gone for 15 months now, I feel like this year, the holidays are harder than they were last year for some reason. Sometimes I feel like I just want to talk to someone about this but then I feel bad because they've already had to listen to me grieve him for the last 15 months and I'm sure by now they're sick and tired of hearing me go on and on about it, you know? So I just stay silent and keep to myself and hold it all inside. I think THIS may be helping but I don't know. I can't even tell anymore what helps and what doesn't. I dreamed about him again last night. I do almost every night but this one wasn't a good one. I have a lot of bad, bad dreams. Anyway, I hope you're doing well, not just YOU, Kymber but everyone reading this and I wish you only the best. Happy Thanksgiving!
Kathy

 

Hi Kathy
Oddly enough, this site and you are making me feel alot better than I did before about myself and my feelings. It was 8 months last Sunday that I lost 'my man' and I'm so glad that you are replying and we are 'chatting it out'. I didn't think that this would ever happen to me. You always hear about others that lost a spouse, but you always seem to believe that your life will be exempt from sorrow or grief on that level; that somehow you and your significant other are eternal or something along that line. I will try to remember him fondly and let the happy moments surround my memories, then maybe, just maybe, the pain will subside and I can feel blessed that at least I had 40 years with 'my man' and find another part of me that I can explore, before I join him one day on the other side Maybe looking more at the positive can help all of us with our situation and seek another venue that we never dared explore before. There is always something in our minds that we thought we could do, that our spouse may not have approved of . Perhaps, this is heavens way of allowing us the freedom to be daring. Who knows ?
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone south of my border !!!
Kym

 

Hey, Kym! I hope you - and everyone - had a very Happy Thanksgiving! I spent the holiday alone this year. My daughter works nights so she slept all day and I was left to wander around the house. It's all right, tho. It reminds me of that saying "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I sure don't feel strong, though! If there's something I'm supposed to learn from all this, I do wish somebody would tell me what it is because I'm just not getting it. At all. Anyway, I definitely understand you when you wrote that you didn't think this would ever happen to you. That's exactly how I feel! I was so scared that Lance might end up in prison for his drug use, it just never even occurred on me that THIS would happen! O. D.'s were for other people - Lance knew what he was doing! It wasn't supposed to be this way. This isn't how we were supposed to end! Well, now I'm crying again. I apologize to anyone reading this for being a "buzz kill". I'll try to do better next time.
Kathy

 

Hey Kathy,
Hope you are doing better ! My birthday is coming up and so is Christmas - these are 2 firsts I was dreading, I guess I still am ... however, I read on a Quora site that we are just actors on a stage performing a play, and the partners (husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, friends) that we lose and grieve over, have just gone off stage now for a costume change but we are still performing our role on the stage. Then when we die, we too, go backstage for our costume change and another act shall be performed and we will be with our loved ones again. This small but powerful statement has changed my outlook and I feel my husband waiting for me backstage with a robe and fruit smoothie and when my act is finished, I will go join him and we will put on another outfit and do another scene. Happy Holidays to all of us still performing and to all of those who wait backstage for us !!!!!
I hope this helps you Kathy, as Lance is waiting for you to take your bow after your performance and join him backstage for a glass of wine and a hug !
Kym

 

I completely understand the feelings you are describing. Our son told me he wanted to die and had taken so much drug that it should have killed him many times over, but it didn't. The year I was able to spend with him the last year of his life is still so precious to me. I am so thankful that we were given a year together. I learned so much from him. He had much wisdom and strong faith.
I love him, miss him, and like everyone else find the holidays 'stir up' feelings we would rather not have confront us. I am struggling by the grace of God to pass through this with God's strength to bring me through-He always has for he is ever faithful.
Sending you love,
Chris