The Approaching Season

It will be three years this coming January. The first one was too foggy to register. The second one, last year, was unbearably painful. After 2 very difficult ones can’t face another one. Just got the tickets- going overseas for the entire month of December. As Emerson put it “My giant goes with me wherever I go.” I know I won’t be escaping the grief (the pang and the pain), but still …

We were married for 31 years. He was my husband, our daughter’s father, my best friend, work partner and soulmate. After 2 years of excruciating battle with ALS (I was his sole caregiver) he left us … I’ve been dealing with complicated prolonged grief paired up with PTSD. Counseling/therapies didn’t help- at all (multiple providers). They also pushed pills (for PTSD part). Did they help a bit- yes. But after 8 months, I decided to stop taking them- don’t want dependency and temporary “fixes”. Grief is not a decease. And PTSD doesn’t have a medical cure …yet.

Okay. This is hard- to open up. I’ve been reading the posts here for over a year. I’ve felt so connect to so many of you, your pain pit in words sincerely and raw. This evening, after a glass of wine, I gathered the courage to write. I say courage, because it’s one thing to feel all this, and another to see it so tangibly in front of you, as if going on record.

 

Hi @Ela18, I haven't been on the site for a while like many others I used to converse with but I sometimes read through new posts and when I checked in this morning and read yours I felt I had to reply as you hit a chord. First of all, my heart goes out to you and I know, oh how I know, exactly what you're going through, your words and feelings echo mine. I'm so sorry for your loss and the painful period you had to go through before your husband left this world.
Next month will be four years for me but I've learned over this period that time does not exist during a grief journey. Grief doesn't go away, it doesn't change, you just learn to live with it as it becomes a part of your existence, like you say, it is not an illness, there is no healing but there is learning - learning how to survive with this load on our shoulders, it becomes part of us, like our partners were and always will be. They are still with us in a different way. I often have vivid dreams and I seem to feel his presence at times during half awake/half asleep phases. I talk to him all the time, I see him everywhere, there is not one day in my life when I don't think of him from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. The special bond we had will never be broken, he made me what I am today, we are "fused" together and nothing will ever take that connection away from me. He was only 57 (me 53) when a sudden heart attack took him away from me and my son and daughter, at the beginning of another covid lockdown in Nov 2020, right in front of us. We had recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.
PTSD? The symptoms are all there but there are no grief counselors where I live and I already take medication for other problems, I couldn't face taking more.
You mention you have a daughter, our children have part of their dad inside them, they are half of us and half of their fathers. They will give us the strength and courage to go on, we must take care of ourselves for them. Your husband will always be with you, taking your hand and guiding you along. You will become stronger, more than you could have ever imagined. Please don't despair, you will be fine because the love you both shared is forever in your heart, your mind and soul, and will be the engine to keep you going on. We are not leaving them behind, they are coming with us all the way, with all our special memories providing comfort and strength to face any situation.
"Continuing bonds" has become my motto, this is the only way I can get through each day.
I could go on forever about this unwanted life change we've been forced to go through but there comes a time when there are just no more words, just silence and reflection.
I understand you feel the need to have some time away, I hope the month overseas will bring you more peace and serenity, it will definitely be a positive step forward.
The last lines of your post made me think, it also took me nearly two years before finally joining this site and pouring my heart out. Acceptance and denial are still fighting with each other but I'm keeping them under control with my husband's help, you will too, @Ela18.
Take care, sending you strength.

 

“…I've learned over this period that time does not exist during a griefjourney. Grief doesn't go away, itdoesn't change, you just learn to livewith it …”
So true, so very true.
Patti, I’m sorry for your loss. Our daughter just turned 16. She, especially during the first year, was my only motivation and reason, to get out of the bed, to deal with mechanics of things… the only life track I could be on. She still is. She, an internalizer, transferred her grief into “studying” (something she never cared for much). While living in a mini bubble (self-chosen isolation), “we” worked on schooling- finished high school in 18 months, and counting towards AA degree graduation this May.
You are right: they are with us. It’s like seeing things through two pairs of eyes. Listening to music with two pairs of ears. It took me over a year to have dreams- I treasure every single dream of him.
Much love to you.

 

Hugs and peace to you Ela.
I am happy that you and Rose found each other. I have seen Rose on here and she is a very caring understanding person. I hope you are able to continue to open up and talk to others on this site.
Rose please to continue to be the sharing person you are.
I feel he is looking over you and encouraging you.

 

Thank you for your kind words @Ceee.
Sending you comfort and strength.