Terrified of what comes next

I lost my father when I was very little.

My mother remarried 30+ yrs ago to a wonderful man, who over time became as close if not closer than my biological father.

He's now been diagnosed with ALS, and my mother is planning to join him when he goes, letting her health go and making preparations for self determined end of life (if legally possible), and approaching 80, I'm morally okay with that. I believe everyone should be able to decide if their time has come, and for any reason really.

I spend as much time with them as I can, of course. But on the inside, I've never felt more vacant and alone. I thought I'd be able to handle this, having lost a parent already, and experiencing grief for almost all of my life.

After they are gone, my brother and I will be the last of our family. The end of the branch of our family tree. Neither of us have children.

Some days I wonder why we're even here, and that bothers me. Its hard to focus at work.

I mean even without this level of grieving / preparing for grieving work can make a person feel like a meaningless cog in a machine. But with this.... ugh. I just want to stop serving other people that don't have the valued connection that my little family does. I'd rather be serving them.

My folks don't want me to interrupt my career to be a paid caregiver, in case you were wondering. they want me to keep being independent and make myself as successful as possible, and I get their point. But it hurts and its confusing.

PS my beautiful cat is also nearing the end of her life too. So, yay. The timing of all this is simply fantastic.

thanks for reading - take care

 

You are very lonely, and I am sure you question yourself grieving while they are still around. I grieved for my mother because I lost her slowly before she was gone, no longer could have a conversation etc.
May I suggest a little family trip, somewhere by the sea or mountains whatever gives you comfort, make memories. There are plenty of places you can bring your furbaby too. Changing your scenery, enjoying nature is a big healer in my opinion
Wish you the best on your journey.