Stuck in Limbo ~ when will my agony end?

I lost my love, my best friend. My protector. I knew I loved him at first sight, it would be 10 years later until our time would come. I never felt loved and understood by anyone. I know he loved me the same.
He had a hard life, and struggled with extreme pain. I did everything and anything to help him. I wasn't expecting to lose him from suicide. I wished I died with him. I know it sounds morose. When I was first told, I didn't believe it, how could that be. He can't be gone. It felt like I would cry forever.
Losing my love has been an never ending guy wrenching, heart shattering, painful siege. The pain is surreal, unimaginable. It will be 5 years June 19th. I hoped that the pain would have eased for me, but the pain is still been my only certainty.
I've lost myself, my ability to function without him. I like myself better when I'm was with him.
My fear for myself is this relentless pain will consume whatever is left of me. It's a struggle to find the will to live. Not because I don't love my children, grand babies, family, life itself, and this beautiful world God has given us. How much I love God. It's believed that God catches all our tears. This a river flowing sonewhere with the tears I've shed and my continues tears are the spring that feeds it.
It all boils down to the pain that is left behind. It's like no other pain when it's the love of your life.
Or is it the love of my life and suicide.
The fact that I want to end my pain but I'm stopped by not wanting my loved ones to feel this. It saves me.

 

So sorry about your loss and all the pain you are suffering. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
We do care about you and others who are suffering also.
Please continue to share your feelings as you feel led. Sometimes this helps us think through and try to make some sense of the great tragedy that has invaded our lives.
I truly understand losing the ability to function. I grieved longer than most people do or longer than what you are expected to grieve. A big chunk of your heart has been torn our and sometimes it hurts so bad in your chest that you don't think you can bear it.
So glad to hear you love God. He is our greatest resource for help, support, love, and healing. Hang in there. You can do it even though it feels impossible to go on any more. Hold tightly to Jesus' hand and let Him guide you through this overwhelming darkness. One day the light will begin to shine through again.
I appreciate you.
Chris