Struggling with Major Loss, Divorce, and Breakup

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by B11911, Jun 4, 2020.

  1. B11911

    B11911 New Member

    This sounds ridiculous, I hate the fact that this is even something I feel the need to share. I am a 28 year old female now.

    In 2018 I lost my grandmother, and my grandparents were always like a second set of parents. She was a strong but caring woman who kept the peace in my family, even at the cost of her own hurt feelings. She was amazing. I found myself getting married a year or so before this major loss occurred. My husband was never really caring, but we were surviving with our lives and careers in LA. Turns out he only saw what he could gain from our relationship, never really loving me as a person. I was content with coexistence for far too long, I ignored his lies and games because I wanted to be loyal and maintain my first marriage. He used me. The holidays rolled around and I wanted to go home to visit my family for Christmas, it is a major deal for us. I asked if he would come with me, he declined. When I asked why, his reply was just simply he "didn't want to" and he told me he didn't need any other reason. I accepted this and went home alone. I was happy to see my family, ironically it would be my last Christmas with Mama.

    We discovered she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer, and in February we flew her out to LA to try to seek alternative treatment...they lived back in Pennsylvania, her options were limited. My husband was selfish and rude during the time of the visit. Mama was exhausted from testing and being driven from hotel to hospital through LA traffic. We would try to enjoy some nice meals at dinner time, warm conversation, or just the peace of having everyone together. My husband would be loud, self-absorbed, and fail to read the room. I was embarrassed and hurt at his inability to be sensitive. There was even a time when Mama visited our house for an evening, and my husband played sick on the couch dramatically wrapped up in a blanket. I was furious.

    My grandmother passed in March of 2018 and I was contemplating divorce shortly after their February visit. I couldn't handle a partner who could not respect the needs of myself or being sensitive to such a heavy time. My husband tried for a short time to convince me that he cared, he started wearing his wedding ring (which he refused to do prior,) he would make me dinner, he held my hand during a show...things I couldn't get him to do during the height of our marriage. We only lasted 2 1/2 years. I was done. I hated the games. He replaced me with a PS4, it didn't take him long to self sooth and get over me quickly.

    During all of this, I struggled with the double loss. I found a new friend at work after some months passed. He admitted to liking me, and I was amazed. We had so much in common, and he was so sweet. He said he watched how my husband talked about me at work, and how he treated me...and it angered him. Yes, we all worked in the same building, a bad mixture, I know. This guy was lovely though, he helped me cope with the loss of my Mama and the death of my marriage. He was more than some rebound, he was special to me as we talked more and more. Fast forward to dating, he had an addiction to marijuana and it brought out a mean streak in him. I tried accepting a compromise of lessened use, this didn't prove to be helpful. We blamed it on him moving in with me and my family. My family bought a house in LA to be together since the loss, to change the scenery, to give my Grandpa something to enjoy again. At first this was what I wanted, but my relationship was tense most often. I thought it was because it was hard to have secluded private time, the commute was terrible, and I made excuses. One evening things got out of hand, my boyfriend and I fought about mental issues that may or may not even exist, he stormed out, he drove away. I was asking if he could consider options, not that I was accusing him. I was scared at his outbursts and anger, his moodiness and depression. He grabbed my arms one night when he was angry and I told him this wasn't ok. I needed to know things if we were to continue being together. A week passed, I never heard word from him, I didn't know where he went, didn't know if he was ok, I had to continue to reach out to get response. I wasn't ok with how things ended, I should have known it ended when he chose to walk out, but I was stubborn. I loved this man. I deserved better than a walk out. We talked, we took therapy separately for ourselves, we did small dates, all while living apart. My family was still hurt at being blamed for his leaving. My family bought his dinners, treated us to movies, invited him into the family. We always had the freedom to do our own thing, but never was he motivated to do so. He was ungrateful for what my family gave him, he only saw chaos and restriction.

    I moved in with him, we got a place close to work, my family was moving again. Costs made it impossible to keep up with the California rates, and my boyfriend seemed like the best option. We lived content for a while. Things were good, I was mostly happy. There were disgruntled moments and moody times, but I ignored it all. I had a man I loved, we were building a life in a home together, we were chasing our careers, the little angers and comments didn't matter to me then. Covid-19 decided to hit, and we were furloughed from work. This wasn't bad at first, we had time to spend together, and it was great! As time went on though, my concerns grew more pressing. I was worried about the rent being too high for what we were pulling in through unemployment. I was seeking alternatives and backup plans. He was in denial that this was necessary. I felt alone and like if I didn't figure things out, we would drown. Eventually it was an overload of stress and I decided to take a trip to visit my family in their new home. I needed the mental break and my mom would appreciate the Mother's Day visit. It started as a great trip, I made a plan with my boyfriend that I would be gone for 11 days. I asked him to come with me, I even cried because I was worried about him being alone for so long. He asked if he could stay for fear of the virus during travel. I respected this. 2 days before I was due to return to LA, my grandfather Papa, died. He was my best friend, my inspiration for all that I do, my protector and strength. He provided for my family in ways I could have never imagined. He would give the shirt off his back for anyone he cared for. He was blunt and honest, he'd tell it like it is, he'd keep any ill-intent losers on their toes. If he was quiet, he didn't like you....because he was always joking and teasing. Losing him broke me. He was like my father, even my dad admitted Papa was more of a father figure. My boyfriend shared in my pain during the first phone call, but then things got bad. Days passed, my sister (who never leaves her home) came to visit to mourn, and flights were never booked for my bf to join us. He asked if I could book the flights, he could only stay for 3 days, he had things he wanted to do back home so he couldn't stay long. This created a fight. I couldn't believe it, I told him I needed him. I was willing to accept 3 days at first, but then it bothered me. I made it clear that I couldn't put a timeline on it. I needed to stay to get the ashes, I needed to get through his birthday June 1st, then I could begin to return to my life away. I had things I needed to do, and I hoped he was there at my side. We fought in a way over the phone that I haven't seen in months. It reminded me of his anger streak when he used Marijuana. He called my feelings "emotional spewing" and he asked "what would I even do there?" He told me he had to "protect himself." In regards to my family and being stuck in the house for too long. I was broken again. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, that this was even an argument. I needed him. I lose my father figure. I needed a goddamn hug. I wasn't asking for more than to be held, to have the presence of the man I loved, a sense of comfort. I broke up with him. He blamed me for throwing away 2 years based on a 30min decision. I wouldn't be hurt like this again. I couldn't handle it. I stood by through addiction, therapy, family tension, long distance waiting, minimal dating, and I hoped we grew stronger. I was wrong.

    So now I lose my home in LA, we were supposed to sign a lease at the end of June. I leave my career behind for now that I worked so hard for because I have no living situation that can feel safe at this time. I might lose my vehicle that Papa picked out for me, since it was in his name. I went from losing Mama, to divorce, to losing Papa, to losing this man I loved. My life has been turned upside down, I am moving in with my family, and doing what looks to me like starting over. Maybe good will come of it, but its scary and it hurts. It is an intimidating pile of loss to sort through, and I understand I can only do one piece at a time. I've been angrier than I've been all my life. I can't even cry like I want to, my mourning has been paused, survival mode kicked in.

    I'm exhausted.

    If you read through this, thank you. I am sorry for your pain and losses as well. The world can throw a lot at us, and we can only hope to be strong enough to carry on.
    Nathan08 likes this.
  2. naomi__

    naomi__ Member

    Hi, I don't know who you are, but I'm so sorry for the amount of loss in your life. I can't even begin to describe how strong you for pushing through all of this grief and fighting to make a better life for yourself. I know you posted this a while ago, but I would love to hear an update about how you're doing. I hope living with your family creates a fresh start for you and helps you move on with life. You are so incredible for being optimistic and clear headed about your goals and future, I'm so proud of you for building your best life, no matter how hard it gets. I hope you find peace soon, I really do. I just lost my mom recently, so I know a little bit about how you're feeling. We have to stay strong and remember we are never alone. I hope you're doing better now, stay positive.
    Nathan08 likes this.
  3. Shreddie

    Shreddie Member

    I was really struck by your post. That’s a lot to bear. You seem so genuine and nice and so aware of who you are and what is healthy and what you need - such great qualities for life and for navigating grief and loss. I’m pretty sure that you don’t see it that way at the moment in the midst of the horrible pain, but you clearly have gifts that will help in the movement forward. Good for you for knowing what you need in a partner and for having the courage to stand your ground. I truly hope that you find peace in living with your family for now, and that you can rejuvenate and rebuild while there.
    Nathan08 likes this.
  4. Shreddie

    Shreddie Member

    One more thing...you mentioned at the outset that you saw it as ridiculous to share this. Frankly, I think it would be a bad idea to keep it all in as if it’s something that is no big deal. It’s huge deal and you have done the right thing in reaching out. Hopefully this forum and other connections in your life will help you as you move through this acute pain
    Nathan08 likes this.