Struggling after finding my brother.

It always hard to know where to begin, I lost my dad to cancer 2 1/2 years ago. Did not know he had cancer until I got a call from a doctor telling me he was in the hospital. He passed away on Father's Day that same week I found out. Fast forward to 4 months ago when I grew concerned about my brother not answering any messages. My brother and I texted or talked daily. He had an important meeting and I excepected I would hear from him after. I didn't, I just thought maybe it didn't go well and he needed time. The next day my mom had not heard from him either. I waited until miday. I just wanted to believe that he was processing whatever had gone on at that meeting. I started calling around, I found out he never showed up for his meeting. I called the police and asked them to do a well person check, because my brother lived about 2 hours from me. They went out said there was a vehicle but no one answered, I asked if there was anything else they could do because I felt he had tried to harm himself. He had made a very serious attempt a year and half prior to this and had reached out and was found barely alive. The police had saw through the window he was slumped over so they busted the door in that first time so I thought they could do it again. They stated it would be better for me to come there, after a verbal altercation they had with him 1 month prior. They stated they had got a message from a counseling service that my brother stated his affairs were in order and the he was good with his descion and he would be gone in 2 weeks. They left that day and there was no followup. 2 weeks to that day I found him after he took his life. He struggled he was a victim of a Catholic Priest and it haunted him his whole life. I never knew anything about the Priest until about 6 years ago. He was my only sibling and I feel lost daily without him. I have handled all of his affairs for my mom. I think I joined this group because sadly the commonality of what has happened, I feel lost. I am in EMDR therapy because I understood right away due to my profession that I could never unsee what I saw and I don't want it haunting me the rest of my life. It doesn't give me others sadly who can relate. I knew on my way down to his house that it wasn't going to be good but there is not preparing for that. This was hard to write I am all over the place at times I feel like but, I can't always think straight and feel numb. 2 weeks ago I had to have my 13 year old dog put down. Some of the harder parts as well are when people ask you what you need, because I don't know. I feel like I have a good support system. I don't always go to them because I don't want it to feel like they think they have to fix it for me. The other part I don't want to feel like a burden. I know they would never say I was and it is my own issue. I know this group understands.

 

I’m going through the same thing.

 

I am sorry you are going through this I feel like I am always on Rollercoaster of emotions.

 

I am SO SORRY ALL for your losses! Including your "fur baby" your dog of 13 years. Today is the eight anniversary of my sister Annette's suicide. I found her died of a self inflicted gun shot wound to her head. I have been in EMDR therapy as well it has helped me a lot. I can say it does get a little better with time, and there is a "new" normal after this kind of loss : (. I don't remember much from the first year or year and a half from my sisters suicide. And I can say the seventh anniversary was the first one that I wasn't DEEPLY affected for the week or two leading up to the anniversary date. AGAIN I am VERY sorry for your losses. Please be kind to yourself. Michelle

 

Thank you for your words. The last 6 months seem like a blur. I am finding some ways to have a "new normal" at times not much. His birthday is coming up in July. Definitely overwhelming at times, I am glad to hear you benefited from the therapy, I feel it is helping at least with the initial trauma of finding him. I truly appreciate your insight, I am sorry for your loss as well to be able to give it to me.

 

I am sorry that you have to go through the same thing.

 

Another thing that did help me was attending SOS(survivors of suicide) meetings , hearing from others that have had similar loss and definitely similar PAIN helped me too. It helped MUCH more than attending a regular grief support group with a lot of widows and people who had different losses. Birthdays and 'anniversaries' are ESPECIALLY tough. I like to do something in memory on those dates.

 

Hi, Debbie. You have suffered some terrible losses. Unfortunately, no one can fix it for us. This is something that has happened in our lives that in some manner or other will always be with us. That does not mean it has to rob us of the rest of our lives. You can go on to lead a productive life of giving to those who are hurting. Your dear brother had a terrible start to his life. Sometines those kind of things make a person lose all hope and they just want to escape the terrible tormenting memories. Your brother could not find any peace and he thought this was his only means of escape.
I see you have a lot of positive interests in your life. Your family and friends will not know what to do to support you so you can tell them all they have to do is let you talk and be good listeners for you. Tell them you are going to make it, but no one can fix it for you, but it is going to be a slow process of moving forward.
God understands because he lost His son, Jesus, to a terrible death also. He understands your pain more than anyone else can. Reach out to Him and ask Him for help. He loves you very much.
Chris

 

I'm sorry for all you're going through, and very much understand the rollercoaster.