Still grieving after 1.5 years....what is wrong with me?

Im still grieving the sudden loss of my mother after a year and a half. Ive got to say that the second year is harder in some ways due to the fact that no one wants to hear about it any more even though every day I am still so sad. My cousin just yelled at me on the phone and told me to get over it. I am trying but I really miss my mom. I just feel sad sometimes. Dont get me wrong- I do have happy times and am trying to piece together my life without her, but I still feel sad. I just miss her, point blank. I dont know if anyone on these threads has had a less recent loss, but if you have and you are reading this, is this normal? What makes a year a magic number?

 

I'm sorry to say that your cousin is insensitive. There is no magic number and waves of grief may hit you many years later. Losing your mom is a great loss. I know I lost mine a year ago also and then I lost my husband a little more than a month ago. How I wish my mom was still here to comfort me. Everything you are feeling is normal and if some people don't understand then that is sad for them. People in this group do understand so visit here and post your feelings. It does help.

 

I'm grieving my beloved Partner Paul and last week was a year since he died. I have loving, supportive friends who would never say what your cousin did and who try to understand (and to the woman who first lost her mom and her husband a month ago, I am very sorry and hope you can find a little peace somewhere). After a year, I'm not getting "better". I'm just different and I still miss Paul very much. I'm sorry about your losing your mom. I still miss my parents, too, and I lost them a long time ago. You do NOT need to "get over it". It's not something you "get over". Losing someone you love is simply NOT easy.

You are doing ok piecing your life together and trying to have happy times, YOU ARE NORMAL. The grief doesn't just go away neatly even after a year. Just read It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine, a good current book about grieving and it will definitely let you know you are ok (and normal) and will also let you know your cousin is wrong and not helpful at all. I think you're right about that second year since I don't really want to keep talking to my friends tho they regularly check on me and are willing to listen. Grief is simply hell and I hate missing my Paul.

 

The pain is unbearable, waves and waves of grief as I am clinging to my little raft hoping to find land. Sometime for a moment it seems calm and then out of the blue, a tidal wave hits. Anyone who has lost a spouse pr had natural compassion will understand. Others may not have the capacity.

 

Grief has no boundaries no limit no fear it suffocates you when you least expect it I lost my partner of 20 years suddenly to a car accident which he was sole occupant and drunk he left behind our 4 beautiful children and me the mother of the babies he left behind everyday is as bad as the last most days I’m drowning looking at the constant reminders of what our lives once were he’s everywhere I look i don’t know your cousin but if I were you I would cut them out of my life right now if someone cannot unconditionally be there just fucken be there for someone stuck under the cloud of grief in their darkest hours for however long it takes I’m told grief lasts a lifetime for those of us left behind well of people judge and what not let karma be their best teacher because no one knows your GRIEF but you xoxo sorry for the loss of your mum

 

I am so sorry about your losing you dear mom suddenly (and sad, too, for the partner who lost her partner to a horrible car accident.). Missing your mom (or your partner) is normal and your cuz is NOT helpful at all. You do NOT need to "try getting over" losing your mom. You grieve because you loved her. Why wouldn't you? We love the loved one we lost and tears are tributes to the person we loved. Please look for this book: It's Ok That You're Not OK by Megan Devine. She talks about grief, makes you realize you ARE normal, that time lines for "getting over it" do not work, and you do NOT need to stick to someone else's time line. No one should yell at you for grieving. YOU ARE NORMAL. This author talks about grieving the second year, and longer, and also about nonhelpful things people say. You are OK to grieve as you do (That's the point of the title, in fact.). This book lets you know that grieving is a long process and you are normal and it IS ok that you are NOT ok. Why would you be? You do what you have to do, you do have happy moments, you do piece your life together but grieving accompanies you. A year is NOT a magic number where grief ends nicely. Grief simply doesn't end nicely. We understand and here you have support. I'm sorry you don't have your mom but grieving her is normal and right. Again, it's Ok that you're not OK.

 

Wow! I havent checked this site in a while and Im so surprised to see all the responses. Thank you so much. I will definitely take a look at the above mentioned book. Thank you so much for hearing me and taking the time to reply. I wish I could say something magical to reduce peoples pain. If anyone wants to elaborate or continue to share your story, I hope you all do. This community feels very supportive and I am truly grateful for your replies. I dont feel so alone.

 

I’m so lost without him drowning in my own grief guilt and anger hardly present in my mind anymore Balley wish so bad you were here just one last Forever I miss you so much it’s intoxicating leaves me waiting even though I no my reality

 

my wife passed on jan 15 2023. i dont know why or how to go on.

 

How could you know how to go on? Everything is different. You arent the same nor is your life: It is all in a huge transition for which you didnt ask. Please share more if you want to. It can be good to talk about it sometimes.

 

i read that book no help at all

 

any one here

 

Bruce,

I think eleni gave you excellent advice. Although I'm much farther along in this grieving process than you are, I'm going to purchase the book. Another member of our GIC family "talked" about this book in some of her older posts. She had very good things to say about it too. Unfortunately, you're going to have to do all the hard work grieving forces you to do, if you want to move forward, in this never ending journey, that not one of us would have chosen to take. You're going to have to find a way to deal with being alone, all the loneliness. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm sincerely trying to help you.

Please find a grief counselor and in person grief support group. If you don't feel like the first grief counselor you see is a good fit, keep on trying until you find one who you are comfortable with, and do the same with the in person grief support group.

Got to go, busy day ahead!!!

Please take care of yourself the very best you can.

Keep on keeping... DEB

 

i have no more money to spend on this therapist. and grief meetings are not for me. i was rejected by 2 of them.

 

OWN MY OWN just like 42 years ago.

 

DEB, thank you for replying to
Eleni and mentioning the book
she had recommended. I didn't
see your post 'til tonight , Wed,
partly bc it was on a different
thread. I will reach out to her
now. Know you're busy, DEB,
"talk "soon....Lou

 

hey van gogh i knoe

 

hi deb 321. would like to a back to chat here. yes/ no /maybe?

 

i lost my wife jan 15 2023.

 

Eleni, I didn't read your moving
post about your loving partner
& soulmate, Paul, until tonight.
My good friend, DEB, "talked"
about you and about the book
you recommended. I am deeply
sorry,Eleni.Your grief after a
year & a half is raw, and, as you
said, normal. I find the Center
for Loss daily reflections on
grief, to be soothing. If you
send your email address to
Dr. Alan Wolfelt's group, they
will send you a different
quotation every day. My wife,
of 25 yrs, Linda, died suddenly
in front of me. She was 68. I'm
74 now, retired. I see by your
info that you are a very active
person with a lot of interests,
which is healthy, as is walking
outside in the fresh air. I see
that you live in Colorado,with
its' majestic mountains. I live on
the northern coast of Massachusetts, and am grateful
to God to be able to live by the
sea.Looking forward to "talking"
with you. It will be 5 years in
November, since Linda's death.
Some days, it feels like it was a
long time ago. Other days, like it
was yesterday. I agree that we
can never "get over"our grief
for our soulmates, but we
somehow "get through it". I did
a lot more sobbing the first 2 years. I miss Linda every day
and cry some days, but not with
the horrible intensity back then.Hope that brings you some
comfort . I love the kind people
on this site, and I really hope
you stay with us. Lou