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So lost

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Lost and in pain, Jul 20, 2022.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Great words of wisdom & compassion,
    as usual, Gary. You are a true pack
    leader of TGW. I may have suggested
    Zuba, but you rock! L
     
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  2. Thank you to all who are trying to help. I’m trying… I think I’m trying… but I feel so weak against this pain. All my life, I’ve been told I’m so strong. But I’m not. It’s just a case of having to work with the hand you’ve been dealt. My mom never cared much about me. My brother was the Golden Child. But decades later, she came to me, not him, begging that if she was ever ill, not to put her in a nursing home. Year or so later, she had a massive stroke, leaving her with the physical and mental abilities of a 10 month old. The team of doctors all told me,”You can’t take someone like that home with you.”
    “ Watch me!” is all I said. I took my mother home and took care of her for 8 YEARS until her death. That’s what I’ve always done. Always stood up to any challenge, did whatever I had to do even though it often seemed I was always having to be strong. But this…taking away my rock, my foundation. I’m furious with God. I can’t even pray anymore. What’s the point? Whatever is set to happen, will happen. I’m even annoyed with friends and family who tell me they’re praying for me. I want to roll my eyes. I’m sorry. I know this is SO negative, but if we’re to share our feelings, this is me. I am furious with God and I’m furious with Doug. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to get passed this.
     
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  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Susan, your honesty is welcomed by TGW,
    like me. My wife, Linda, was angry with
    God, too. Her innocent younger brother
    died at 10, from a rare illness, when Linda
    was 12. Her mother took out her rage on
    Linda. Linda turned to sweets, and
    later , smoking & drinking. All of this
    contributed to her Diabetes 2, and
    cancer. She had a soft spot for her
    father, so when her mother was in the
    hospital, Linda bought him a puppy.
    When Linda's mean mother was discharged, she refused to take the
    little dog, and we had to take care of her.
    The dog brought us much joy, but we had
    to give her up for adoption when we had
    to move. Linda was heartbroken. & never
    forgave her parents. My parents weren't
    any better. They didn't share our love for
    each other, & we didn't want these toxic
    people at our wedding. We also didn't
    attend their funerals. We never regretted
    it. I don't think about any of them now.
    But, when a friend was thinking of
    putting her dog down, I cried, bc the
    dog looked just like the one we had. Lou
     
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  4. Gary166

    Gary166 Well-Known Member

    Thank you brother Lou. I appreciate every piece of literature, knowledge, song, and experience you have you brought to GIC. And as B once said you are the glue that binds us all together. I hope you have a great day my dear friend as we trudge the road of happy destiny. Gary
     
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  5. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Gary. As I've mentioned, I
    never had a brother, and always wanted
    one. Now, I have you, George, and Chad.
    I wish there were a way to contact
    George. He's been through so much
    pain, with dialysis, in addition to
    grieving for his wife, Valerie. Hope he
    can still see us on GIC, even if not able
    to post. Lou
     
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  6. Gary166

    Gary166 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your honesty Susan. You are a very strong, courageous, and selfless person for taking care of your mother for those eight years. Plus you are all the virtues above for going through this miserable grief journey. In 6 needs of the mourner read need #5 where the title is searching for meaning. We have the right to question everything. The loss of a spouse shatters our world into a million pieces and more. I had the same experience. I’ve been attending 12 step recovery meetings a third of my life. I thought I would receive a lot of unconditional love and support but I didn’t. Rather I had people telling me my faith was weak and I wasn’t working my program. I tolerated it for about 3 months and said screw you people. I knew I still needed 12 step support so I started attending secular meetings online. It was a huge relief to get away from the self righteous holier than thou group. I have made peace with some of them since. Looking back I can see how my emotions were really whacked out then. Susan You are very new on your grief journey. Be extra gentle and kind to yourself. Practice self compassion regularly. On the centerforloss.com site you can sign up for a daily grief devotion. Most of the the grief warriors read it. It is not Christian based. I had trouble getting it at first because my computer was sending it to my junk email. When I checked my junk email it was loaded with all the grief devotions. I relabeled it not junk and it works good. I’m glad you are expressing yourself. I can’t say it enough how the book Permission to Mourn helped me heal. You were a warrior taking care of your mother and you are a warrior now. You are never alone here. Gary
     
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  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Gary, Center for Loss quotes on grieving are a great way to start the day. Karen,
    Deb, and other GW take great comfort
    from Dr. Alan Wolfelt's words, as do I.
    The big difference between you & me,
    Gary, is that my belief in God has gotten
    stronger since Linda's death. We did not
    belong to any congregation, but found
    solace in God's timeless nature, especially
    the sea. Every morning, when I walk past
    the ocean, I gaze at the morning sunshine
    on the water, and say a short prayer of
    gratitude to God for being alive, and for
    living in my now forever home. Lou
     
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Susan,
    I’ve been exactly where you are right now. I hated God with all my being. I said it to anyone and everyone who would listen. I questioned what I had done so wrong for half me to be taken so young and cruelly. Ron and I were as one person. I felt weak and helpless. I’ve come a long way since then. Everything you mention is how you’re feeling and letting those feelings out is what you need to do snd share. Everyone here shares what is on their mind. Negative or positive. We’re here for everyone. I told God I hated him. I asked how he can ruin my life. The one person who would help me through anything was taken when I need him most. After much time passed. I felt I was thinking of me not Ron. And I was getting messages from Ron all along, since that awful night I lost him. He was telling me he’s ok and watching over me. I realized I was being selfish and not thinking of Ron. And how he lost out on so much being taken so soon. I’ve received messages that he’s ok and with family and that I should live life and he will be there when it’s my turn. Living life is hard but I try. All this took a very long time. I’m now praying again regularly and have asked forgiveness for all the hate that I had for so long. Every person I know who lost their soul mate goes through hating God. I’ve learned, it’s ok. You are trying. Just keep on trying. And get fresh air
    Better days are out there, it takes time. I personally don’t believe we heal from this but we do grow stronger. Robin
     
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  9. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Susan, this is Karen and everything Robin said here is what I've gone through too. It's been 20 months for me since I lost Jack and I know he's okay and will wait for me. I lost all faith in God for a long time, but in time my faith returned. You WILL come through this Susan
     
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  10. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone, haven't been writing here much, but I read all your posts and your comments are inspiring and comforting to me. Following your suggestions, yesterday I signed up to receive the Center for Loss emails. Im just going through a rough time at the moment, especially because I have both our birthdays and wedding anniversary coming up soon. I sometimes feel I'm running away from grief, not wanting to confront it, afraid of the strong emotions this is causing me, a little like 'pushing the dust under the carpet", instead of facing the problem and dealing with it. But it isn't a problem that can be solved, not just a headache that a simple painkiller can take away, It's a new, forced, unwanted existence that I suddenly find myself in, and will not accept. I'm breaking all the rules for healing, not following advice, but then again, aren't we supposed to react the way our mind is telling us to? My mind tells me I am afraid to acknowledge this, so I just put on a brave face and struggle on, breaking all the rules for healing, repressing my feelings, like a pressure cooker with a blocked valve, so the steam can't come out, and at any moment it's going to explode. I know it's useless running away, the monster runs faster than me, always a step ahead, lurking around the corner, waiting for me.
    Ok, let's face it then, can't turn to God (I'm a Catholic, but have never been a church-goer, or one for prayers), and I'm still very very very angry at him. I admit that I have a habit of usually blaming God for negative events and forget to thank him for the good times we have in our lives. That is a bit selfish, on my behalf, I suppose.
    I was watching the film "Phenomenon" with John Travolta last night, we had already seen it and was one of my C's favorites. I had to hold back the tears of course, I managed to do this because my son was present, otherwise I would have just broken down. There was a lovely scene where he takes a bite from an apple, and says that in this way, you will take a part of the apple with you and will always be part of you, even after having to throw out the core, which will eventually wither and die. Funny how I'd never paid much attention to this scene the other times I'd seen this film.

    Thank you for listening, wishing you all a peaceful day.
    Rose
     
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  11. I’m so sorry. Sounds like Linda had a rough time. Another perfect example of a good person having the crap beaten out of them repeatedly while ‘bad’ people live a relatively carefree life. I’ve been told God gives us more obstacles in order to strengthen us, make ‘good’ people even better. I find that hard to swallow, just a way of trying to explain something that makes no sense. Instead, I see it as random circumstance, whatever happens, happens.
     
  12. Rose, right there with you. Trying to be brave, but then bursting into tears. Trying to make my way through the pain, but almost immediately running into a wall of grief. And being angry with God… so angry. I always thanked God for even the tiniest positive, accepted what was given to me and took care of others, but taking away the ONE thing in my life that gave me stability, the one person who was my everything. Cruelty at a whole new level.
     
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Susan. Since I can't do anything
    to bring our little dog back, I will do
    everything in my power to save my
    friend's dog. She's worried that she can't
    pay the expensive vet bill to save the
    dog's toes, which would save his life. The
    dog is perfectly healthy, eats well, and is
    happily devoted to his owner. I told my


    friend that I would take up a collection
    to save her cute dog.Everybody loves him.
    My friend smiled & was relieved. Lou


     
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  14. Gary166

    Gary166 Well-Known Member

    Rose I would like to share one story with you that happened in an in person grief support meeting. A woman there repeatedly said she could not mourn because of the fear of not being able to stop after starting. Someone suggested that she was in a safe and sacred place to mourn and she would begin healing afterwards. About 5 minutes later the woman who looking completely exhausted left the meeting. We could hear someone crying very loud from the restroom area. In about 10 minutes later she came back into the room with a huge smile on her face. She became a regular attendee at the meetings. A profound change had taken place from within her. I will never forget that experience. Gary
     
  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    That's beautiful, Gary. In the beginning,
    all I did was sob, in disbelief that Linda
    was no longer physically with me. What a
    difference 3 & a half yrs. makes. I joined
    GIC only a year ago, and feel that I've
    known you & other GW for a very long
    time. Lou
     
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  16. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing that sweet story, Gary. My biggest desire is to find a place, where I can go and have a good scream and cry, where nobody could hear me, until I have no voice left, but although we live in the country and there are plenty of isolated places I could go to, we are surrounded by hills and mountains, so my screaming sounds would be heard anyway. Imagine the echos, I can just imagine people rushing around:OMG, what's happened?.

    Your wise words are always so helpful and comforting.
    Thank you.
    Rose
     
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  17. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Lou, I was so touched by your story of that poor little dog, and what a beautiful, generous thought on your part, to gather funds to pay for his cures. Im sorry you and Linda lost your dog, I remember how me and my C cried, hugging each other tightly, when seeing our wonderful dog Milo leaving this world, after having him in our family for so

    many years. We have two lovely cats now and it's true what they say about pet therapy, I strongly recommend having a pet, they do provide us with so much love and joy.

    Hoping you manage to get a good night's sleep.
    Take care.
    Rose.
     
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  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, just woke up around 6:30am on Sat
    morning, and was pleased to see your reply. I teared up at your first sentence:
    " Lou, I was so touched by your story of
    that poor little dog". First, I like it when
    other GW call me by name, and I like to
    call them by name. It's as if we're writing
    letters to each other. I am very sorry about
    the death of Milo, but I'm glad you have 2
    cats . I'm so happy for Karen, that after her
    cat, Rambo, died, that she now has a cat
    named Hobby. I don't have a pet, bc I like
    to be outside all day. I don't feel deprived,
    bc there are many dogs in my town. I have
    found most of their owners to be friendly.
    and we always have a laugh at the antics
    of their pets. I love the summer, even on
    very hot days, bc I can see my friends, and
    meet tourists. The winter is desolate, so I take a bus, or train, to larger cities, for a
    change of scenery, different places to
    walk. and more ( seafood) restaurants.
    Hope you are enjoying the summer in
    spite of the heat. Lou
     
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  19. Gary166

    Gary166 Well-Known Member

    going back to bed after 5-6 trips to the bathroom I tried to sleep by concentrating on my inhales and exhales. Trying to get a natural rhythm is difficult for me as many times as I have tried. I was in that in between place half asleep and half awake. I started seeing memory fragments of my beloved Cheerful Cheryl passing through my mind. There was no order to them. I relaxed and let my mind jump around to 35-50 pleasant and bland memories I have of Cheryl. No sadness came. When I remembered holding Cheryl’s face and stroking her thick eye brows telling Cheryl I would catch up to her in the afterlife it seemed beautiful. Gary
     
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  20. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Oh, man, Gary, you did it again. To
    paraphrase Michael Corleone ( Al
    Pacino): Just as I thought I was out, you
    pull me back in. I got choked up about
    your going back & forth between being
    awake & being asleep. It reminds me of
    Rod Serling's haunting introduction to
    every episode of The Twilight Zone. Lou
     
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