Shouting at the storm, and pissing in the wind

--->Warning-long profanity laden rambling post<----

I am an anti-social selfish autistic asshole, always have been. My wife and children made me try to be a decent human being. And I tried, and I think I was a little bit better with her around. I was scheduled for surgery the morning she died. I didn't want to interfere with her or my children's normal routines on account of my shitty health. I had made arrangements just incase something happened to me, so her and the kids wouldn't have to do much in the event my surgery went south. Having 2 Highway patrol officers sit me down to tell me my wife was dead right before my surgery was pretty shitty. My brain just stopped working, I couldn't process it.

I wasn't there when my children were told their mother was dead, I was 100 miles away. I am not sure I can forgive myself for not being there for them in that moment when they needed me the most.

She made me this hat, she knit it herself and it is shaped like a damned triangle. It was her first time making a hat and she didn't know how to make it round. It looks fucking retarded but it is my favorite hat to keep my head warm, and because she made it for me. Before surgery I had to take it off, and I tried to toss it onto my belongings and missed. I lost my shit, I could barely got out the words to ask the nurse to pick it up for me, just started sobbing.

I was in the Army for awhile, deployed to Afghanistan 2 times. I walked in between the rain drops, I should have been killed or died more times then I can count. Most of the other guys in my unit ended up dead either KIA, suicide after we got back or drinking and driving and crashing, accidental OD's etc. When I got out I had PTSD pretty bad, she saved me, she got me through it. She was always there ya know, and she cared.

The thought that keeps creeping into my head over and over is "It isn't fucking fair". Its a selfish thought, it isn't fair to her, she wont get to see our children graduate HS or college. She wont be there for their first boyfriend/girlfriend, or to help with their first heartbreak. She wont get to be there when they get married and have kids and family of their own. Its my responsibility now to be there for our children, they lost their mother. I cant even keep my own shit together but i have to for our kids. She would be pissed at me if I fuck that up. Probably only reason I am even a semblance of normal functioning human being and not eating the business end of a shotgun is for my kids.

Its not fair I am alive and she isn't. She was an amazing mother and a far better woman than I deserved. I made sure to tell her as much all the time. How lucky I was to have her and how I had gotten the better deal. Us men are are barbarians, I never owned a bed until after I got married. She was truly my "better half".

I am lost without her. It is a cliche thing to say but it seems to fit, and unfortunately I truly know exactly what it means now.

I always told her I was excited to grow old with her, and to see her with all white or silver hair. I would always point out whenever I found a new white hair, she would get so pissed off and run out and buy hair dye. I really was looking forward to growing old with her, just 2 old people running around teasing and nagging each other. She constantly nagged at me, stop making a mess, do this or that etc etc. I actually kinda miss it now. A good woman will keep you in check, and she was no slouch in getting me off my ass and doing constructive stuff.

I think I am full on Rambling now, just typing random stuff that floats to the surface. I hope no-one wastes their time and reads my drivel. I just wanted to put my thoughts out into the aether.

They cremated her body yesterday. Sometimes I do really good and don't lose my shit, but sometimes it just hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. The reality that she is gone forever and I am on my own to try and raise our wonderful children we brought into this world together. I have been hugging my kids alot, I am not good at talking. I almost never say the right thing or behave correctly in anything socially related at all. I have no idea how to help my kids, to make them feel better. I try talking to them but it is always awkward. I am hoping that just me being there helps some, but I am a poor replacement for her.

My son and her got along like oil and water. He feels like he treated her badly and took her for granted. I tried to tell him she loved him and his sister more than anything. I am not sure what else to do or say to fix that feeling he has of taking her for granted. I think he has been distracting himself alot. He is constantly playing games or doing something. I told him I am always there to just listen or talk, but he always says he is fine. But he cries at night laying in his bed waiting for sleep to come. I am not sure if there is anything I can do to help him.

She was my daughters best friend. The day after she died my kids had a dentist appointment, I took them there and while we were in the waiting room a woman walked in with her 3-4 year old son. They were playing together as mothers and children do and my daughter broke down crying, I held my daughter and just hugged her. I didn't know what else to do or say. It was heart breaking to see my daughter cry like that and to know why she was crying. That shitty realization she would never be able to do that with her mother ever again. Her showers have been getting longer and longer since her mom died. I sometimes hear her crying in the shower and I don't know what to do.

I will do my best to continue to trudge along. To be a decent human being and the best father I can manage to be. To be there for my children. I miss her and I think about her everyday. I don't think I will ever fully be able to fill that hole for them of not having a mother. But I guess that's just life, life sure doesn't like me though. Every time I lift up my head its always kicking me right in the teeth.

Sometimes all you can do is get back up, brush yourself off and try to smile when life decides to kick you in the teeth again.

 

-->another rambling shout out into the aether that no-one should read<--

Got my wife back in the mail this week, sounds weird. To get a person in the mail, she came back to me in a box with 3 urns in it. 1 large urn and 2 small ones for our children. My wife was 125lbs, and when I picked up the box it was so light. I had to fight back that hot burning in my eyes, it came from nowhere when I picked the box up. I have no idea how to present/give the small urns to our children. I have something I want to say, but not sure if I will be able to get it out. I will try to give our children their urns this weekend. I will tell the kids that their mom will always be with them, and maybe (spread/sprinkle?) her out in the places they will travel to and places that are important to them that they would like to share with her.

Our children aren't doing well... They are barely eating, they are not sleeping well, and cry whenever they are alone. I try to talk to them, but they just say they are fine. My son will only ever talk to me about video games, but he admitted to me the other day that mornings are the worst for him. I hugged him, I just hugged him... I had no sage advice or soothing wisdom. I am ill suited to this. I am trying my best , but I am not sure it is enough. I am really good at fixing machines, I can fix almost anything that isn't human. Humans confuse me. I am really bad with people, my wife knew this and helped me with it, she accepted me even though I am anti-social and socially retarded.

Our daughter will only ever make small talk with me. In the accident our daughter was knocked unconscious. Our son pulled her out, but he couldn't get his mother out. He said she was stuck, and wouldn't wake up... Our daughter has a pretty nasty cut on her left eye, it starts at the outer corner of her lower eyelid and goes about 1 inch towards her ear. It will probably leave a scar. My mind is weird, I worry that she will see that scar in the mirror and will be a constant reminder of the day her mother died. I hope it isn't that way, I hope she doesn't think like I do.

I did the some math..because I am weird like that. I had known my wife for 6,125 days or 16 years 9 months and 6 days, from the 1st day we met, until the day she died. I don't know why this is important to me. It is hard for me to imagine loosing my mother at the ages our children are. My daughter is 12 and my son is 14, They have known and loved her for their entire lives. I can't imagine what they are going through, I wish they would talk to me.

My emotions and moods have been a mess, it feels like I am walking through a swamp. Sometimes I am fine then I will see something, read something, have a random thought and will start sinking into that swamp. With all the painful emotions just swallowing me up. I try to pull myself out, but its hard to get out of that hole once you fall in. Then I will be fine again for awhile. Then like someone flipped a switch I will fall right back in, it pisses me off so much. I am really not looking forward to having to deal with this bullshit for however long this fucking bullshit lasts for. I don't like this, my emotions being out of control. I can't afford for my emotions to be out of control, I am supposed to be helping our children.

I keep going over our lives together. What happened and when, how our lives advanced and our relationship evolved. Some of the challenges we overcame, fun times we had and some of the bad times. The birth of our children and how much our lives changed. Its like a loop that my brain keeps drifting into.

I am going to make a marker for my wife. A cross between a Celtic and knights templar cross to place on the location where she died. I will upload a pic of it when it is done, but it might be awhile. Going to take my time making it, pour my all into it. Keeping busy helps, keeping my mind occupied helps. I drive by where she was killed everyday. I take a backway to our children's school in the morning so they don't have to drive by it everyday. I don't know why I make myself drive by it everyday after work, when they aren't in the car with me. I sometimes talk to my wife when I am driving home, like this post i just talk about whatever floats to the surface.

I miss her, and this really fucking sucks...

 

Hello, Francis E Dec. My name is Chris. We lost our 28 year old son to suicide in December 2000.
I am sorry for the loss of your dear wife. I can tell she meant an awful lot to you. I am glad you can express your feelings so honestly on this site. It might help you think things through and try to make some sense of the awful tragedy which happened to you.
As you said, there are no words of wisdom, only the ability to express love. You are doing your best to try to comfort your children while you are in the midst of suffering your own pain. Grief is a very heavy, burdensome thing to try to walk through. I found the only way for me was to depend on God to help me. I kept waiting for Him to help and He did. He says He cares about us. Jesus suffered his own grief when he lost his friend Lazarus. He cried at the grave. Let your children cry as much as they need to. I believe expressing our grief through tears is sometimes the only thing we can do at the time. It is important to just be there for your children and show them you love them as you are doing. You may not realize how important it is to your children because right now they are having difficulty expressing their feelings.
There really are no words of comfort. I knew people would try to encourage me, but I also knew only the love of Jesus would carry me through the tragedy we experienced. Talk to God just like you talk on this site. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Since you are so good at expressing yourself with the written words, maybe you could try writing God a letter. He will listen and comfort you. Then you will be able to pass that comfort on to your children.
The Word of God, the Bible, has many comforting verses. If you would like I can send you some of them.
I am sorry for your loss and your pain.
Stay in touch here. We understand because we also have suffered that same loss and pain. We care about you.
Don't lose hope.
Chris

 

Appreciate the offer Chris, but I have an amalgamation/hodgepodge of a weird beliefs when it comes to religion. I have read and researched the big 3 religions and a few other ones. Won't lie, my beliefs are what a lot of people would consider "out there". But they are my beliefs, a cross between theist and deist with some woo-woo and science stuff thrown in.. I am glad that belief and faith are able to help out so many people though. I am glad it was able to see you through what must have been unbearably devastating hole ripped into your life. In a way, my "beliefs and religion" do help in a way, at least for me and in my mind.

Sorry to hear about your boy. Its really rough when its by their own hand, had a hard time with a few of my army buddies that went out that way. It sucked. The survivors/friends/family seem to fall into a thought loop of guilt, did they do enough to help, why didn't they see the signs, I could have done something different, why didn't I x,y, or z. It is a hard loop to pull out of. I am glad that you were able to. I have seen a few families that it destroyed.

Think I will turn this thread into a crappy blog. It helps me to just randomly dump/post the crap that keeps my mind in a daze and my stomach in a knot. I have a hard time even typing it out, I am mostly fine when I am by myself. I still talk to my wife when I am on a long drive by myself. But trying to say any of this shit to another person who is standing in front of me is beyond me. I can't get a word out, i just break down. Right now my goal is to go 7 days in a row without breaking down into a sniveling emotional wreck. I am not even close, think my record is 48 hours so far. Will be a month tomorrow, since she died. I keep researching grief related crap and a lot of places say this phase can last for months. That is really depressing for me, I am not someone who deals well with having their emotions out of control. Not sure if anyone is good at dealing with that though.

I told my children to find an outlet when I gave them their mothers ashes. I told them to write to her a few times a week, to keep a journal about how they are doing and what they are feeling, to work on art. It is important to have an outlet I think. I just shoot out my random thoughts onto a random forum I stumbled upon. A place where everyone here is suffering in their own way from a loss of a loved one. What I write here, is just me shouting into the void. Trying to sort out what i am going through and put it into words. Maybe someone will read it and it will help them, maybe someone else will read it and think I am a mental case. What I write is mainly a pressure relief valve for me though.

I ramble, i rant, I have a hard time maintaining an organized thought. I am on the edge of sanity on my best days. I am not sure I should post this honestly..... I will tell you a quick experience I had the other day, along with some of my "out there" beliefs.

I believe in the multiverse and reincarnation. It is my hope, wish, dream, belief that my wife will reincarnate into a different world in a different universe and have a blessed and magical life. Filled With adventure, love, joy, family and happiness. This is my belief, this is my wish for my wife, this is the very minimum she deserves after the hardships and struggles she and I had in this life.

The other day I was searching for Latin phrases to put on the marker I am going to make her. Things like "Requiescat in Pace", "Semper Ama", "Mecum Semper", "Infixa es menti, haeres mihi in animo" (Rest in Peace, Love Forever, With me always, and Always on my mind forever in my heart) I was looking through these no problem. Level head clear minded, but then I ran across this one...

"Donec Conveniamus"
Until we meet...

I lost my shit, like totally lost it.. I was a wreck for over an hour, my emotions were like an out of control fire that i couldn't extinguish. Even now, just looking at this phrase and typing out what I felt, makes me struggle to not tear up. By my beliefs the chances of this happening is almost a mathematical impossibility. This next part is hard to explain. In my mind, with the beliefs I have this felt like too much to even wish for, I felt like i didn't have the right to have that wish... The thought of me being re-united with her took me by surprise and devastated me all over again, it was not something I even thought of, or considered. I took solace knowing there is another universe out there where she is not dead, and we are just living our lives together blissfully unaware of what happened in my universe.

Maybe we are 2 souls who are forever linked now, it is a nice thought that perhaps we could one day be re-united.

I have made the offer to my children. I have told them if they ever want to go to any church I will go with them to anyone they choose if they wish to do so. I believe a persons religion is a personal choice. I had our children vote on which phrase they wanted to put on the marker we are going to make, and they both selected this.

Semper in Corde Meo
Forever in my heart

 

-->More Rambling<--

My mind is at odds with itself. In my conscience and rational mind I know that my wife is dead. I know she is never coming back, and I will never see her, hold her, or talk to her again in this life. But there is some part of my mind that seems to refuse to acknowledge my new reality and it rages against it. It is causing me some issues. Why is there a part of my mind that is doing this? I don't understand or like it, also how do i overcome this hurdle, how do i convince this part of my mind to accept this reality?

My daughter helped me to make my wife and I's bed the other day. My daughter insisted we make the bed exactly how my wife liked it. She had extra blankets on her side, both to lay on and cover herself with. We even put my wife's sweater beside her pillows just like how it was there the day she died. My children want to keep everything exactly the same as it was. I am not sure what to do about this. I have been going along with it for now though. I don't know how to tell them that nothing will ever be the same, despite us wanting it to be so.

I packed up all of my wife's clothing, belongings, etc. I put it all in boxes and labeled all of the boxes. The children refuse to let me donate it to charity/get rid of it. I know my wife would want my daughter to have most of it, but it felt crass to try and push it off on my daughter so soon. So I have 2 rooms in my home that basically have one entire wall filled with labeled boxes that are just sitting there.

My children are still being awkward about talking to me. It is always small talk or video game talk. They seem to refuse to even acknowledge what has happened, or at least that is how it seems to me at the moment. They have not really said anything to me about their mom dying. I am not sure if I should broach the issue or just be patient and wait for them to address it on their own. I think I will lean towards the patient approach. I occasionally bring up little things, like I miss her, its hard without her, etc. My children seem to barely acknowledge my subtle comments. When I finally finish the marker I will make, I will have our children write a letter to her. I will also write one. And then we will read our messages aloud to her when we put up the marker. I am honestly not looking forward to that, because I know how hard that is going to be.

When I first went to the site of the accident, and the the wrecker yard where what was left of the truck was at. I had figured out what happened, how she crashed. I don't know why I keep obsessing over little details of the accident though. I am autistic when it comes to information and analysis, and no amount of obsessing over what exactly happened will change anything. But my mind keeps wandering to it, i keep going over it in my head, over and over and fucking over. I finally got the accident report yesterday and it confirmed my initial hypothesis. But one part of it was missing, and I am obsessing over what happened in that small space of time not covered in the accident report. I know it doesn't matter, i know it isn't important, and I have much more important things to think about and do. But my mind doesn't seem to be following orders lately.

Driving by myself seems to be getting harder. The time alone makes my mind wander. I used to love driving alone, it gave my mind time to decompress and relax. Now I just talk to my wife. Yes, I know I am talking to myself in reality, but it feels a little better to talk to her sometimes when I am alone. But it hurts, I am not sure it is ok or healthy to do. My mind will just jump from one emotion to another in quick succession. One second I am reminiscing of a fun time we had, the next I am immersed in self loathing and guilt, the next I am laughing about a funny memory and the next second I am full of anger and frustration. I am ready for this weirdness and insanity to be over, and my mind to be calm again. I need to re-start meditating before bed again, but lately I have been staying awake until I am exhausted before I go to bed. The quite time with no sound seems to be difficult to handle, and the empty half of the bed is a barren reminder. And disturbs me.

I was never one to lay with someone when I slept, I toss and turn a lot. But my wife and I would often hold hands when we went to sleep. It sounds silly and corny, but it meant a lot to me. I really miss that. I miss a lot of little thing she did for me, or that we did together. Every day after I got home from work I would get cleaned up/shower/change etc. Every day I would hug/hold her after I was cleaned up and ask how her day was. Its weird how all those little things were so important to me but I never realized it until now.

 

High Francis my name is Cheryl. I lost my husband to cancer on July 11, 2024. You didn’t say how old you are or how old your children are. It seems to me that you were doing an amazing job of helping children through this difficult time. like you past the love of my life and I can relate to some of the things that you felt and thought. and I also do a lot of talking to Chuck. usually go I had a friend who lost her husband of almost 70 years and I thought it was really touching that she said the things she missed the most was his hugs and kisses. now I know what she was talking about because every night I go to bed language that he was there to give me a hug and a kiss good night. I was fortunate, I had almost a year with him before he passed. from your post I get that your wife died in an accident. I don’t know that I could’ve dealt with it off I give you country Mendes amount of credit for dealing with things and being as honest and introspective as you’ve been in your post. I was a psychologist for 30 years before I retired and what I heard from you is that you are dealing with things in a thoughtful caring manner. you were in so much of a difficult situation because of your children. you were dealing with that in amazing manner and the only thing then I can comment on iS that you were dealing with your children in a very healthy way. Thank you for the post and God bless

 

Sorry my talk and text on my iPad do not pick up he words correctly most of the time.

 

Dear Francis,
Please keep sharing your feelings and those of your son and daughter.
Recent loss of your Mrs and Your dear children’s precious Mother is so recent.
As I read your post, I lifted each of you in prayer and will continue to do so.
I lost my husband nine years this coming November, Our 69th anniversary will
be in May. My Jack had Parkinson’s 24 years, a TBI nine years prior to his transitioning.
It’s important to say our feelings to others whom understand ,this is a wonderful grief support
group here at GIC. Francis I haven’t been able to get on internet mech anymore due to health issues,
but please know I will be keeping you and your children in prayer. Sending hug to your daughter son and you. Kind Refards, Patti

 

Thank you for the comments, prayers, and kind words Cheryl and Patti.

I have seen a few comments now about how open, forthright etc I am in my writing. I have to do this through writing due to my inability to talk to another person about this. I am not sure what is wrong with me honestly. I have tried to talk to a few people (in person) about what I am going through but I break down so easy. I can't get a word out, I have always been bad around people but this is much more intense. Its embarrassing, frustrating and I am not sure I understand why this happens. I am going to try a professional therapist next week. I have never seen a professional therapist before, so I have no idea what to expect.

 

I can understand that you break down when you try to talk with someone. Sometimes even ordinary conversation can be difficult, but after such a tragedy it is even more understandable that you would be having such difficulty. You are in the early stages of grief and it is such a difficult time. Having someone you love 'yanked' away from you so unexpectedly is a serious blow. If you have feelings for the person it is going to be really hard for awhile, but I know you are doing your best from what you have written. Don't be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself and take good care of yourself. Your mind, body, and spirit have been hit with such a heavy, unexpected loss that you don't need to expect to feel or act 'normal'. It is an expression of your grief of how much you care.
May God strengthen you and give you a peace that only He can give.
Chris

 

4 years and One month I lost Valerie from the evil god of CANCER! I used to be a regular on here but I have NO motivation or energy. I am shutting down... I still do art, painting is all I care about. My son HATED my wife, his mother, she was a crazed narcissist... but I still miss her so much. I am in pain inside!

 

DEAR GEORGE,
I SELDOM GET IN MYSELF, I AM SO SORRY ALL YOU ARE
GOING THROUGH,OUR BELOVED WILL BE IN OUR HEARTS
FOREVER.
I AM SO GLAD TO HEAR YOU ARE DOING YOUR ART, YOUR
PAINTINGS ARE AWESOME, I ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO
SEEING THEM AS ALL OTHER GW FOLKS DID TOO.
GEORGE YOU ARE AMAZING PERSON GOING THROUGH DIALYSIS
WEEKLY , I KEEP YOU AND ALL OTHERS IN MY PRAYERS.
SORRT FOR THE CAPS,THEY HELP BETTER THESE DAYS.
WISH YOU COULD FEEL UP TO SHARING ONE OF YOUR
ART PAINTINGS. ITS ALWAYS GOOD TO HEAR FROM KAREN
ONCE IN AWHILE.SENDING HUG.GOD BLESS YOU. PATTI

 

I would love to post my art but the computer doesn't let me I have been into acrylic abstracts. I am in a messed up funk and I miss the grief warriors

 

GEORGE I WAS SO HAPPY YO JUST READ YOUR
POST, I HAVE SEARCHED FOR HELENA THREAD ON
THE GROUP,COULD YOU PLEASE BRING IT UP
SO MAMY OF YOUR ART AND HELENAS DRAWINGS,
SO UPLIFTING PLUS BRING SMILES THANKS.
BLESS YOU, PATTI
WAS IT WESDAY ART THREAD

 

I'm still around but my computer got freaky and GIC won't upload my art! Check out to see my acrylics.
https://www.deviantart.com/eyepilot13/gallery/23776314/abstracts-traditional-art