Saturday Nights are killing me.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by CancerSign64, Jul 2, 2023.

  1. CancerSign64

    CancerSign64 Member

    Saturday was always are day to be close, make love and we did this for our entire marriage. We had a routine down and now I am all by myself and it feels just awful. I miss her so darn much tonight. Thanks for listening if you read this. What do you do to get over this?
  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    "Cancer Sign", your post is
    heartbreaking. Words aren't
    enough to explain what the
    death of a soulmate means.
    But, you have come to the right
    place where people like me "get
    it". My wife, Linda, collapsed
    right in front of me. In spite of
    attempts to save her by a medical team , she died, at 68.
    We were married 25 years , no
    children. I was in a state of shock, couldn't sleep, had PTSD,
    drank too much , until I had to
    see a grief counselor. She helped
    turn my life around----slowly---.
    All I did was cry in the beginning. That was over 4 and a
    half yrs ago. She suggested
    Grief in Common ( GIC), but I
    didn't join 'til 2 years ago.I wish I
    had done it sooner, like you
    bravely did. I see by your info
    that you're in your 50s, and live
    in Colorado. I'm turning 74, and
    live on the northern coast of
    Massachusetts. May I ask your
    first name and that of your
    wife's? I find that it honors the
    memories of our soulmates, and
    brings us closer together on GIC.
    Our members live in different
    time zones in the U.S. I never had a brother, but have 3 here:
    Gary, from Indiana, George, from Illinois, and our newest
    member, Jeff, from Texas. I'm
    close with several widow friends. Karen, from California,
    was the first to greet and give
    me comfort. Soon after, I heard
    from Robin, on Long Island, NY,
    who is closest geographically,
    DEB, from South Carolina,
    Bernadine, from Oregon, and
    others whose names will come to me after more coffee. It's
    Sunday morning, after 10:30 am,
    my time, and I need more coffee.
    I'm sure other members will
    respond to you from their
    different time zones. We even
    have 3 widows from other
    countries: Rose, from Italy,
    and 2 new members, Sue , from
    South Africa, and Donna
    ( "Deejay"), from Australia. Please stay with our kind group.
    Just remembered one of our
    newest widow friends, Georgine,
    from South Carolina, like DEB.
    Both of them tend to write long
    "books" , like I just did! Others,
    like Karen , write powerful,

    sometimes witty one liners. You
    can write in any style you want.
    Welcome. Lou
  3. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Hello Cancer. My name is Karen. I've been on this site for 2 1/2 years. I lost my husband to sarcoma cancer. Answer to your question, "What do you do to get over this?" I have no answer, we all go through this awful journey differently. The grief will soften in time. I'm very sorry for your loss, it's extremely painful. I've found this site to be my venting area. Everyone understands. I hope you will stay with us and find some help and support. Take care, K
    Deborah A., DEB321, Suretha and 5 others like this.
  4. CancerSign64

    CancerSign64 Member

    Hi Karen
    My wife always massaged the aches of the day out before bed and now I cannot sleep. Grief counseling isn’t going to solve that and people keep saying journal and go to grief group but it won’t solve intimacy or just plain old my wife’s company. I am having a hard weekend. Her birthday is coming up. Today is 2 months. Take care Tim
    Deborah A., DEB321, Suretha and 4 others like this.
  5. CancerSign64

    CancerSign64 Member

    By the way, my wife and I were exactly 3 days apart.
  6. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Tim, I'm right with you on special nights that are no longer. I miss them so much, I'm going on 3 years now since he's been gone and I still think back and remember those very special nights, days and in between times. Some of your pain will soften some will not. I don't believe we ever get over grieving. Mr. Grief as I call him will always live with me, but I know the pain will soften or should I say, grief changes. As the days, weeks and months go on grieve will change. I never believed this at first as many here have said, but it's true -- as time passes. So, hang in there and hang with us here. K
    Deborah A., Jeffry, DEB321 and 4 others like this.
  7. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Maybe celebrate your birthday as well as hers.
    Deborah A., DEB321, Rose69 and 2 others like this.
  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Tim, for saying your
    name. May I ask your wife's?
    My wifewas Linda, she was a
    year younger than I am. My
    name is Lou. We were together
    24/7 , especially after retiring.
    We were so close as soulmates,
    that other people called us L & L.
    No woman can ever replace her,
    bc she was my one true
    soulmate, but I have female
    friends in my life. Linda didn't
    want me to be alone. Lou

    eyepilot13, DEB321, Sweetcole and 2 others like this.
  9. Gary166

    Gary166 Member

    Hi Tim. I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your wife. My name is Gary and my girlfriend Cheryl transitioned 26 months ago suddenly and unexpectedly from a cardiac arrest. We understand the full blown shock of losing our person here. Your loss is very recent. Try to do the basics by eating healthy food, exercising, taking your vitamins, rest, and get fresh air. I made a collage on my phone of special places Cheryl and I went together. Looking at it reminded me of all the beautiful times we had together instead of the trauma. I also made a shrine for my beloved Cheryl. In the evening I sit there and talk to Cheryl. If you want to jumpstart your grief journey google 6 needs of the mourner. It will give you an overview on what to expect from yourself, others, and the process of healing. You have done the right thing by coming here Tim. Stay and express yourself. You are never alone. Gary
  10. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Hello CancerSign64, I am so sorry for your loss and I wish I could answer that question. My husband was only 57 when a sudden heart attack took him away from me and my kids, two and a half years ago. This time period is actually irrelevant, for me it's as if NO time has passed, my mind is stuck there, on that day when our lives were shattered. I "take' my C with me as I carry on existing in this life, his special love for me (my one and only real love), his knowledge, wisdom, reassurance, comfort and encouragement guide me along this painful path and give me hope for the future. I think we just learn to live with our grief, which gradually becomes more tolerable, feeling our soulmates beside us, even if not physically, as they will always be part of us, and we are still here, to honour them.
    By the way, my C and I are both Leo signs, birthdays ten days apart in August, but he was four years older than me.
    Sharing our thoughts here with others who can relate to what we're going through, is definitely the best help we can get right now.
    Sending you strength.
  11. CancerSign64

    CancerSign64 Member

    SO sorry Rose. My wife was 58. Way too young in my opinion. I still am unsure what exactly caused her death. It takes 14-16 weeks for autopsy. I came home and found her face first in a chair, dead. I frantically called 911 but she was gone. She had put my laundry in the dryer and it was still wet so it didn't happen too long
    before I got home. She had been battling things and I never ever thought she was dead but on that day, I knew. I don't know how I knew but I did. Maybe our soul connection? She had broken down on the Saturday before she died (on a Tuesday) and I asked what is wrong and she said "I just love you so much". That was her way of saying goodbye. I think she knew she was dying. It hurts. I miss her something awful.
  12. CancerSign64

    CancerSign64 Member

    Thank you Gary. I will try. I feel like I could die of a broken heart.
  13. CancerSign64

    CancerSign64 Member

    It is almost like it is taboo to say you miss the intimacy. It is a huge loss. Lying in bed on Saturday night all alone…..god it hurts.
    Deejay212, Gary166, Rose69 and 3 others like this.
  14. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Good morning,
    I can completely relate to your feelings about Saturday. I feel the same way about Friday. It’s so hard to create new patterns when the old ones were so full of love and comfort. My Friday nights used to be dinner out at one of our favorite restaurants in town, then a movie cuddled up on the couch. I frequently fell asleep, and Steve knew that, but he let me. I loved it. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are wading through the thickest part of grief in these moments, and I am so terribly sorry that you have lost your beloved. It’s painful and it’s so extremely difficult. Gary gave you some good advice. It’s also a good idea to have something that you can look forward to doing. It can be small, but these little things can help you get through the darkest days.
    I’m so sorry you’re here, but welcome to the forum. Sending you love, hugs and comfort. ❤️
    Sweetcole, Deejay212, Jeffry and 6 others like this.
  15. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Good morning again,

    I hope you can find something to help you out in the middle of the night. Those moments are awful, and I know it hurts terribly.
    Deejay212, Gary166, Rose69 and 3 others like this.
  16. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I always HATE!!! saying this because words sound so shallow at times, now being one of them, but I hope you know how very sorry I am to hear that your wife recently passed away. It SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!) My husband, Bob, was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018, that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he transitioned, in April, 2021, he had a specialist for just about every body part. It was the very hardest, most challenging job, I've ever had, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I would do it all over again, if only I could.

    Like Karen, Rose, Deb, and other members of our GIC "family," I no longer believe that we heal. We get used to living alone, being over the top lonely, without the one true love of our lives being (physically) with us. It's a slow process, the timeline being different for each one of us, but if you do all the hard work grieving forces you to do, eventually your grief, as Karen said, "will soften." Life will become a mix of happy and sad, as Robin, (another friend, and member of our GIC "family," who I don't think you've met yet), describes how she feels now. Her husband, Ron, transitioned over 3 years ago (if my always foggy widow brain isn't too foggy). After a little over 26 months, I can finally say my life has become a mix of happy and sad, so very bittersweet.

    I'm finally able to smile, real smiles, not those forced fake smiles, I used to use in public, and even have lol moments. I don't think I would be doing as well as I am, if it wasn't for TGW, The Grief Warriors, the name Lou so appropriately gave to our GIC "family." We're always here for each other. This has become my safe place, the place I come to when I need a virtual hug, want to "talk," or "listen," as other GW share their stories. Sometimes we offer advice, but you can take it or leave it, we'll be here for you, no matter what. This is a judgement free zone.

    Gary has already given you some excellent advice. I can't think of anything to add right now. Please be very gentle with yourself. It's going to take time, and lots of hard work, before you're able to smile again, but, and this is the last really BIG!!! BUT!!! for now, you've already taken a big step forward by finding us, being brave enough to share your story.

    Welcome to TGW. I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you'll stick around, give us the chance to get to know you, and you the chance to get to know us.

    Sending lots of love and hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
    Deborah A., Deejay212, Jeffry and 5 others like this.
  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    DEB, in spite of all your troubles
    these past 2 years, on top of your
    continued mourning for Bob,
    you managed to write another
    compassionate "book" , to
    welcome & give comfort to our
    newest member , Tim. I know
    you may feel uncomfortable
    with compliments, but I believe
    you are a true leader on GIC,
    bc you bring the family together.
    Gary & other Grief Warriors
    call me The Godfather for doing
    that. It follows , DEB, that you
    are The Godmother. Lou
    Deejay212, Gary166, Rose69 and 3 others like this.
  18. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I know it's a cliche' but time does help. One needs to be patient. Even at 2 and a half years I still have really bad hours or days. Focus on yourself and be kind to yourself...
  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Godfather Lou T,

    Thank you for that extremely nice compliment. You made me blush, but it's okay, lol.. You know I love you, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!, not in any sort of creepy, twisted way!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    I think every one of us contributes so much to our growing "family." I honestly don't know where I would be now, if it wasn't for you, and the rest of TGW. I feel like I've received so much more support, hugs and love, than I've been able to return. I would be lost without TGW, TUTTAM!!!

    As I know you know, the next couple weeks are over the top challenging for me, so I'll probably be mostly MIA, but whenever I drop by, and see we have a new member, my heart breaks for him/her. I want to respond. All of us can relate to the over the top heartbreak someone new is going through... There really aren't any words to describe how much it SUCKS!!!, TUTTAM!!! I need another tissue...

    Keep on dancing, Godfather Lou...

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. Debster and Skye Queen
  20. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    It's so good to "see" you, TUTTAM!!! You've come such a long way since we first met, TUTTAM!!! As if you don't already know this, lol!!!, I seem to be stuck on TUTTAM!!! this afternoon. I guess some things NEVER!!! change, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, although you're still a work in progress, like all of us are, will probably be, right up until we're reunited with the one true love of our lives, you've morphed into a happier version of yourself since you moved into your new apartment, in spite of the bitter half of bittersweet, always lurking in the background. (Another one of my classic run ons, but I know it's okay. You forgave me a long time ago, lol!!!) It makes me smile BIG!!! TIME!!! whenever I think of you enjoying your new apartment, getting back into your art, taking daily walks, and hanging out with the duck family. WTG!!! You ARE!!! the UGW!!!, TUTTAM!!!

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. Debanator and Skye Beast