hello to whom is listening, 12 years ago my father murdered my mother in our house due to substance absurd issues. The issue I’m facing isn’t the feeling of loss of them because I have come to copes with it and assuming in ways this was suppose to happen. My issue is now that I fear my relationships with my siblings because I feel and have nightmares of how I could have stopped this from occurring and stopped the pain to my family. I don’t discuss the pain with my family due to an unspoken rule that we don’t discuss these things and act as if they don’t want exist. However, within the pass 3 and Half years I was blessed with 2 amazing nieces who I love dearly. Recently, my older niece has been asking where our mom and dad are and I just don’t know how to answer or react. I truly feel as part of it is my fault because I was there but other parts I feel like there’s nothing I can do because of the substance abuse my father was dealing with. I hate lying to my family about the pain but the pain has taken over lately. I just don’t know how to feel and I don’t know who to talk to anymore.
Rosie, I am so sorry for your losses. This is a terrible tragedy to live through, and a very heavy burden to carry if you continue to feel that there is more you could have done. It's not uncommon to feel that we could have or should have done more, but in my experience, substance abuse and mental health issues are far bigger than any of us. And I'm not sure any amount of love can change a person that is struggling with either, no matter how much we want it to or how hard we try. Letting yourself off the hook could be one of the most important first steps in healing, though of course it's no easy thing to do. It takes time, and patience and repetition. Don't carry the guilt because you feel you have to do. Look at the reality and think about the question...how much are we REALLY in control of another adult's actions? It may be w thought worth meditating on. As for your family, it challenging when they don't want to talk it. It sounds like you recognize how helpful communication could be, but it's just not an option, for now. When it comes to the questions from your nieces, it may be a matter of having to direct them back to their parents. It could be that these girls could very much benefit from hearing the truth from someone like you who loves them and wants to be able to talk, but it could create a greater divide if ultimately the parents have decided this is something they don't want to share with their children. The other option is to speak with your sibling about your nieces and let them know that the girls are asking, and perhaps even use that as a way to open the conversation between you and your sibling... Just some ideas, there's no easy fix when something like this happens in a family. And again, it's very important that you spend the energy you do have on finding ways to forgive yourself and let yourself heal. You do not need or deserve to carry this burden - but that's only going to matter when you believe it too. I'm glad you are reaching out for help and certainly hope you can find it here. I hope we can be a help to you~
