Panic and dating

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by Allan, Jun 5, 2020.

  1. Allan

    Allan New Member

    Hi, I'm new here, I lost my wife two months ago and the pain is tremendous. I thought of dating and whilst it did ease the pain, it brought other horrible feelings such as betrayal and panic. I met someone online, who wanted to meet after 2 days (let alone the lockdown making that illegal) and I panicked and backed off.
    I do know I have to go out into the world again soon, and would love a partner who perhaps was at first a friend for theatre or coffee. I don't really know how to commence. Am I being too quick and trying to mask the pain, or should I try and rebuild a shattered life.
    Whilst I have great support from my side of the family, it was a second marriage and hers have just dropped me. Her friends were good support, but they were all girlfriends, and you just get forgotten when everyone moves on with their own lives.
    Kata likes this.
  2. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Allan. So sorry for your loss. Grief is a complicated road we are travelling. My husband died Oct 11/19 so it is 8 months for me. I find I have gone through many phases and what we are feeling one month can change completely the next.

    You are right to think of going slowly. I have not been ready to see anyone new yet. I feel I owe it to a new partner to be doing ok before forming a new relationship. Don't want to ever "use" someone to cure my loneliness. Also if it didn't work out it would be so difficult. Time will show me the way I am hoping.

    Try getting out (as best we can with Covid) to a new activity. I took an acting class at about 4 months in and it was so good for me. Gave me a time of socializing without any obligations and a time to forget for a couple of hours and laugh.

    Take care.
    Sweetcole and Kata like this.
  3. Hi Allen, Hang in there you are doing the right thing. I feel that moving slow will be the best way to heal your grief and learn about others at the same time. Moving too fast will feel forced and uncomfortable, so stay the course, go out for coffee, the theatre and give yourself time to grieve and heal. You need to be comfortable with being single again before you can bring another into your life as an equal partner. Good Luck to you Happy Spirit, Heavy Heart
    Sweetcole likes this.
  4. Flwrgrl

    Flwrgrl New Member

    Hi Allen ,i to am dealing with a loss of my mother and my 9 year relationship 6 months before my mom its been so so hard dealing with all this and then i moved to another state where i have no friends and a sister who is traveling 9 months out of the year it can be so so lonely , i cry on my way to work and tell myself one day at a time , can i ask where you are in this process now ? And also how long were you married ?
  5. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member

    Hi Allan - it’s been a year & 5 months since my husbands death- we were married for 33 years- met 35 years ago - I found this to b true - I hve a widower friend - we are companionship for each other but many x’s I feel lonely with this friend, obviously even if u are w somebody , it’s the love of my life that I really want - but obv that will never b again !!
  6. 1Longstem

    1Longstem Member

    Def take it slow - I feel this way - hve tried the online dating sites- too many creeps ! - scammers, fakes & just looking for sex - I am going to give it to God & if it’s meant to b , He Will place that person in my life I take care
  7. Dameksr0902

    Dameksr0902 New Member

    Hi Allen
    I lost my husband of 40 years on September 2, 2020. There is not a day that goes that I do not miss him. I keep his picture by my bed. He and I did almost everything together every night watch the news together then eat dinner. We went to the gym together 3 nigths a week until covid hit. I feel your pain. We even got a workout thing for our basement. He died suddenly of heart attack in front of me while we where working out.
    I have since retired and taken on a few activities but breakfast and dinner are lonely. I also thought about the dating site but forget that.
    I never had to mow a lawn or take care all our flowers he always did that. I learned really fast. I believe he is my angel. We never replace our spouse but I like you
    want find someone to have coffee with and maybe sometime dinner out. I am really trying hard hope that you are to. Sorry to hear that her family is not helping.
    Do you have grandchildren? That is what keeps me going.
    Hope my little description help you. Reply if you wish I usually check this site 3 times a week
  8. Roxi

    Roxi Member

    I don't know if it happens to you too, but when i'm looking for someone new in my life in reality i'm looking for my loved one...even physically, 'cos i love his body!!! So no one is at his height...and i am stuck in my lonely life! But i want nothing less...
  9. angelique5

    angelique5 Member

    I think you have to crawl before you walk...

    You need to grieve.
  10. lredditt

    lredditt Well-Known Member

    I want someone to love me again. I am dating at times and do not know how to not fall right away and I expect them to treat me with respect like my late husband. Lorry
    Van Gogh likes this.
  11. Jeffsjohnson

    Jeffsjohnson Active Member

    I want this too. I miss the emotional intimacy that comes in a relationship. (Married 43 years) So I became a serial dater for a while. It filled the time, and the women were really nice. It helped me get out of the house, and out of the funk I was in. But when I finally found one that was a fantastic fit, I faltered. She wanted me to be more "all in," and provide lots of words of affirmation. It is then I realized that I hadn't used that skill in a long time. I just didn't know the words of love necessary to make her feel special. So I lost her. My advice here: Let go. Not of your loved one, but of your fears. A good adage is: If not now, when? Live life in the now.

    Here are some things I learned in the dating scene:
    1. Others are just as lonely as you are. They are seeking the same thing, but each is in a different stage of self-awareness or hurt or longing.
    2. There are categories of potential dates: Some want validation that they are still desirable. Some want to be taken care of. Some still harbor a wound from a previous spouse (Most women on dating sites are divorced). Too many are just weird (hobbies, pictures kissing a fish, Glamor Shots from 1970, etc.), and a rare few are stable, happy, and confident & simply want companionship.
    3. When writing what you're looking for in a date - the filters you select - the tendency is to make the criteria as inclusive as possible, just to make the pool larger (and get affirmation that you are interesting!). But you should do the opposite: Be selective, narrow your criteria, and for gosh sakes, be genuine & truthful, not evasive, weird, or sound pathetic. Filtering out the mismatches up front saves you from having dates with obviously mismatched people.