Nobody to talk to

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Gerald, Jun 24, 2018.

  1. Gerald

    Gerald Member

    So I'll just lay it out here. Maybe I'll feel better. It's been very bleak around here, getting worse. I just miss her so much words can't describe. When I've talked with relatives about it, it gets awkward and they wanna change the subject. They have their happy little carefree lives to think about. I can't blame them. They have no conception of losing their soulmate: they stopped calling anyway. I've been told : now it's time to get on with my life, get out socialize meet people. Well, don't nobody wanna hear about my dead wife and that's all that's on my mind. I've made up my mind I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I mean: what would I do if I met someone, take my wife's photo out of my wallet and replace it with someone else's? Take her pictures off the wall and box them up? The thought makes me sick to my stomach. Even just meeting new friends or hanging with old friends: you have to bring something to the table and all I have is grief and despair. Alchohol is my only friend now and the happy memories of her. I'm not looking for any inspirational responses as they're not working anyway. I just needed to get this out.
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear of the loss of your spouse. I think some people don't want to discuss her because they think it will make you feel worse - or they simply feel awkward doing so. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. While people may mean well by telling you to move on, that disregards your feelings. If your friends or family don't want to talk about this, perhaps you can find some sort of grief counseling near you. As far as meeting someone new, you will do that when/if you are ready. The right person will understand your situation and not expect you to replace your wife.
  3. My husband and love of my life died in April after a very brief illness. I believe I know how you feel. I miss him so much. Everyone grieves differently. I hope you can find a way to avoid becoming an alcoholic. I feel sure your sweet wife wouldn’t want that for you. I’m just taking one day at a time and trying not to look ahead.

    If you would like to email back and forth, I would be happy to hear all about her.
    Boze, Naani and Gerald like this.
  4. Gerald

    Gerald Member

    Hi this is Gerald. Im very sorry for your lose. I'm quite sure you understand exactly how I feel. Thanks for replying especially on Sunday as for some reason that day is the worst. I'm busy with work weekdays and I've had to take care of "official stuff" like taking her name off things (house, car, credit cards etc...) and that's been keeping me busy although I feel like I'm erasing her which sucks but these places said I had to do it for legal reasons. On Saturdays I load the dog in the truck and go visit the lakes and campgrounds we used to go to. It gets a little easier every time I do it but Sunday's r bad, just sleep all day. Um emailing back an forth might be nice but I for sure don't have any answers right now as to what we r going thru. I'm sure I'm doing this all wrong: isolating from friends, family. Drinking at nite to dull the pain, listening to meloncholy music etc... It's like I want to be sad. But I'm here to talk to you or anyone else whose going thru this pain
    Van Gogh and Boze like this.
  5. I agree, Sundays are the worst. I’m still working and I’m so grateful for that. I don’t think about him as much when I’m working. When I’m home I rarely come out of our bedroom. I can’t sit in the TV room where he always sat. It’s just too hard.

    I don’t have any answers either, but I know that you can’t be doing things wrong because there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

    Take care, Gerald. One day at a time.
    Sunny454, Boze, LindaH and 2 others like this.
  6. katwhiskers30506

    katwhiskers30506 New Member

    gerald, grief does not go completely away. i lost my lover and best friend 25 yrs ago in a car accident. cant talk about it much. thought i found a new person to love and got burned again. he was not for me long term. God , my higher power, has helped but im stuck again in grief.
    Robert Gleissner likes this.
  7. katwhiskers30506

    katwhiskers30506 New Member

    im new here
  8. Mar

    Mar New Member

    Hi Gerald I know what you are going through and and I feel exactly the same. I can relate to everything you've said. I lost my soulmate and best friend of 30 years in Feb and it hurts so bad. I've started a journal and talk to him many times a day. I still can't believe he's gone and I still have a hard time accepting this.. I have my family but it's not the same. I miss him every minute of every day. I hope you find peace. That's what I am hoping for and also to be able to accept his death and move on eventually . I miss him so very much and still can't believe he's not coming back. We were together 24/7 and really enjoyed being together. The grief I feel is overwhelming and I cry every day for him.
  9. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    I understand what you're saying Gerald. I lost my husband a little over a month ago, August 7, because of an auto wreck. He was 53 with a perfect driving record and someone decided to run a stop sign. He was my everything. He told me not too long ago that he wanted to make sure when he died that I knew that I was truly loved, like I deserved to be. I agree Sundays are the worst. I work all week and sleep most of the day Saturday from pure exhaustion. When Sunday roles around, I can't rest because I slept too much on Saturday and I know I'm going to have to go back to work on Monday to start over again. At first I had everyone telling me to call them anytime day or night. Now when I text people they're always busy and promise to call back later. Of course, I always tell them I'm fine and not to worry about it, so they don't. I have no words of wisdom or motivation to offer but I'm here if you want to talk, vent or share her memories.
  10. My husband died 16 months ago of cancer. My friends want to be supportive, but they don't get how hard this is because they haven't been through if. I feel isolated in my grief. I go out with friends, but it isn't the same. I hear what you're saying about not having much to offer because we are so sad. I guess I am reaching out because I want to have a conversation with someone who gets it.
  11. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Hi Paula. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. My dad passed away when I was a child, from cancer. It's a horrible disease that I've feared most of my life. My husband passed away two months ago from a wreck. Most of my friends have given up on trying to get me to go out with them. I've started declining all social events, especially ones with crowds. I'm just tired of trying to pretend that I'm okay, smiling and especially maintaining focus on what's going on around me. My family's already started the guilt trip about attending the annual Christmas party. I got the invitation two weeks after my husband passed away, in the first of August. I feel like things are getting harder instead of easier.
  12. Carol, I'm so sorry you have lost your husband as well. Two months is so fresh. I remember being bombarded with friends wanting to take me out to eat. They meant well, but it is not what is needed in these early weeks. I would have been happy if they would have brought food and dropped it off at my door! Please allow yourself the space and time you need right now to be alone. Don't stay in your house all by yourself for too long, but get out on your own terms. Maybe it's just going to get a few groceries, or a Wal-Mart run. I know when my Dan died, going to Wal-Mart or the grocery store was so hard because we always did that together. But you have to eat, and my dogs needed their food, so you make yourself do what you have to do. It will get easier each time you do it.

    As for the holidays, tell people/family what YOU need. This year is about you, and getting you through this difficult time. If they love you, they will listen and try to do what is best for you. And although they have lost a loved one too, it's not the same as losing your spouse. Please take care of you.
    LindaH likes this.
  13. CarolC

    CarolC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Paula. I think you're the first person that's told me it's okay to worry about me. So far it's been "Your son needs you" "Your granddaughters need you to be strong". I haven't really taken a break since his death and I'm getting very tired.
  14. Grieving takes a lot of energy, probably more than you realize. And if you don't allow yourself the time you need to be alone and do it, you may find yourself in meltdown mode, not able to help anyone. So be stingy with your time and energy! Then when you are with your family, you will be in a better position to give them what they need. It's not being selfish to take care of yourself, it is wise. God bless you Carol.
    Susan Giberson likes this.
  15. It has been 16 months since my husband, Dan passed away from sarcoma cancer. I found this site as I was looking for others I could talk to who were going through great loss. I fear my friends/family have grown weary of hearing the same thing from me, so I share less honesty and learn to hide my pain, which isnt healthy. I need people who understand and can take my depth of loss with understanding rather than judgement. I hear your pain, Gerald, and want you to see there are so many others who feel this same way. There is validation in knowing others feel the same, and hope in knowing others have made it to a better place by learning to walk through this painful process and not give up! That gives me hope.
  16. Hi Carol, I lost my hubby of 49+ years a little over 2 years ago and can so relate to the issues with family and friends. The thing is they love you, want you to be better, but don't realize how totally different it is for you than it is for them. I have 5 kids who all went back to their lives after their Dad passed and I was left without a life. Of course, my children all suffered a devastating loss but they don't understand how completely different it is. They want to help because they see you suffering but they just don't know that they can't. Your relationship with your spouse cannot be replaced with your relationship with other family members or friends. Give them grace but be assertive in doing what it is YOU need to get through this time.
  17. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    To me it’s ridiculous to believe that anyone can do loss perfectly. So many people want to do the Hallmark Card version. Cards are really nice so I don’t mean that. I mean they just want us to forget and focus on the ways things were. Well for us it’s not that way now. If we don’t do it in the amount of time they believe is appropriate then we become uncomfortable to be around. It’s just too darned personal for anyone not going through it to comprehend.
    LindaH likes this.
  18. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    When my husband died my husbands best friend seemed to pull away from me. This I did not understand. It hurt me deeply. His wife (my best friend) was always around for me during that period. Sadly she passed away a few months ago. He has since told me how sorry he is for not understanding what I was going through.
    He just did not comprehend how hard it was until it happened to him.
  19. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    I think I get what you mean. That happened in my divorce too. I woke up in the morning, and said to myself; That was my illusion. How did I just imagine a bond? I’ve always known what bonding means. To me it’s not just a trend word psychologists made up. I’ve known it since I could speak.

    I’m a angry for you. Maybe you wouldn’t loose anything by telling your husbands best friend that he was egocentric. That you believed all along that you mattered, and your feelings mattered. I would definitely make a point of saying that your love for your was much more important than their friendship. I would do at least that.
  20. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    Linda- I think they call that re-affirming your relationship boundaries. He wasn’t “Mr. Best Friend.” He was YOUR husband.