On July 24, 2023 I took my wife to the emergency room because as she put it "my gall bladder is acting up again but this time the pain inn my right side feels like I am being stabbed and the pain goes up to my shoulder blade." At this point I was ready to take her because it was not like her to admit she was suffering pain, this was a woman who prided herself on never missing a day of work. At the emergency room they gave meds for pain and did an ultrasound and said she had several gallstones and they were sending her for a CT scan and admitting her. When the results came back three doctors came in to tell us what they found. The internal medicine doctor stated the she did indeed have problems with the gallbladder "BUT" they had found a 5cm mass in the left lower of her lung, and multiple lesions on the liver. I was floored because I thought it was just something simple. This is where my story has a twist. Because I am retired Navy my insurance had my wife transferred for further evaluation to the Naval Hospital here in San Diego. There she was treated for dehydration and given pain meds and discharged with an appointment for a PET scan on August 4,2023. On Aug. 28, 2023 my wife and I were told the she did have metastatic cancer with a mass in the lung,lesions on the liver, adrenal gland, and the bone of right hip and she was admitted for further tests. The next evening she was discharged and given an appointment with an oncologist to consult on further treatment options. The two weeks between discharge and the appointment I watched my wife go from an energetic mobile person, to having trouble breathing, complete loss of energy, and unable to walk without assistance. The day we met with the oncologist you could see it in her face she was suffering, the doctor told us that the cancer was of unknown origin or CUP and that it of an "ugly and aggressive nature" and that they had a treatment plan just as aggressive starting the next Wednesday, but for now to take my wife to the emergency room because of her breathing difficulties, this would be the first of five times that fluid had to be removed from both of her lungs, 1500cc from the left and 1200cc from the right the numbers fluctuated very little each time they did the procedure she was admitted for a third time in a month and discharged on the weekend but now she had to have a wheelchair. on Oct.4th I wheeled my wife into her first chemo appointment and she was laughing and joking with the staff and everything went smooth until Friday when she her lab results showed her platlettes had gone to below 7 and her potassium was at dangerous levels. They gave her IV medication of potassium and something to help with raising the clotting factor and eight hours later we finally got to go home. The next five days my son and I helped her get to the bathroom but each day she was asleep more than she was awake. On the evening of October 12 she sat up on the couch looked at me and said I just don't feel right and could I call an ambulance. In the emergency room they found that her vitals were bad and her labs were even worse. She could only lay on her left side to be comfortable enough to breath. After being admitted she was having pain in her left leg and they found a blood clot so they put her on a heparin drip. I watched my wife not eat anything for the rest of October except ice chips. Halloween day was the worst for me because the night before she had been restless the nursing staff continued to bring food in on schedule and by 10 Halloween morning she opened her eyes and said out loud she was ready. I told her I am not ready but she told me I am just too tired and she faded off to sleep. The internal medicine doctor had the "talk" with me in a private room and and asked and explained about DNR and that not only was my wife in her final weeks but because she was medically stable for the moment that my wife was going to be sent to a long term care facility for further supportive treatment with hopes of getting her better so she could go home for hospice care. We were sent to Reo Vista on a Thursday evening and by Saturday her breathing was labored but she was talking but she would talk about packing and going home constantly until I left at 8pm. Sunday Nov. 5th I came in at 9am planning to spend the day high her breath was very shallow and her eyes were half closed and her hand was very cold. I went to get the nurse and they did her vitals which according to them the blood pressure was 90/40 pulse was weak and thready. I told my wife of 38 years goodbye at 10:06 am when she stopped breathing. It has been almost six months since she and I lost to cancer and it is like I am going through the motions of life get up, eat, do errands, go to bed. I keep rehashing the 74 days from the day she was diagnosed to the day she passed and wondering did I miss something, did I do something wrong. Everything and everyone that was in my life was because of her. All of my friends and social life was through her. In other words friends are gone now. When does the expectation of her being home or wanting to tell her something interesting stop being a catch in my throat or a tear in my eye? I feel bad because my wife never got on the battlefield to courageously fight the cancer. Why her she did not smoke or drink and watched what she ate only to be struck down by a cancer of unknown origin. I tell people my wife died of cancer and they always ask what kind, and all I have is CUP, could have been lung, liver, or bladder, the oncologist and pathologist said probably lung but could not be sure.. If you read this far, thank you for your attention. Just needed to vent before I go batsh#t crazy. Cannot get my brains little voice to shut up about what ifs.
First, I am so very sorry that you are now on the boat that we all find ourselves on here. How incredibly lucky that your wife had you as her husband. It is clear that you were highly involved in her treatment and care, that you love her deeply and did everything a person could do for her. My husband of 38 years passed 51 days ago, also retired military (Marine). I was his caregiver for the last 6 years, watching the Love of my Life disintegrate before my eyes, inch by inch, day by day. I died the day he was diagnosed 6 years ago, and went into a state of complete denial about what lay before us. I searched the world for drugs, supplements or treatments to stave off the disease, all with the approval of his neurologist. I was in a constant frenzy, a constant state of (false) hope. I lived for the moments when I told him that I had a new product on the way that had passed clinical trials in other countries and the look of hope on his face. I was even going to take him to Ukraine to the only clinic in the world that treated Alzheimer's, but at that point the war broke out and he had decided he didn't want to travel under fire. I fantasized about us being blown up together, ending this nightmare. The pain of his passing is only getting worse. I joined a bunch of Grief groups on Facebook that are wonderful and very active, and I learned that the majority of people keep getting worse for a long time. It's natural! Look at history- most cultures since the beginning of time had rituals for grief, and those left behind here on earth suffered in various degrees for the rest of their lives. That's nature! Your brain bombarding you with "what if's" is also what most of us experience. That's just proof of our love for our spouses. Are you a person of Faith? If so, reach for it. I am a Christian but had lost faith over the last 6 years. But the day my husband passed, God was in the room with the both of us. I saw Him, but not with my eyes, if that makes any sense. I could not have endured that day without His presence there surrounding us with Love. I watch podcasts all night about Christianity, God, seeing our loved ones again, etc. It keeps me going. I hope you will be kind to yourself. You know your wife would want that. Blessings to you.
Royce1636SD, Words are all I have, so I hope you know how sorry I am to hear your wife passed away November 5, 2023. Short and to the point, it SUCKS!!! Very briefly, my husband, Bob transitioned on April 11, 2021 at 3:45 a.m. He was very sick for many years prior to his death, but it wasn't until the last three years of his life, that I had to become his full time caregiver. It was the hardest, most challenging job I've had, but one I would do all over again, if only I could. By the time Bob transitioned, he had a specialist for just about every body part. Watching his health rapidly spiral downhill, watching him become a shell of the person he once was, was way beyond heartbreaking... Stopping here before I begin rambling, on and on and on, unfortunately something I'm way too good at. Although I know this is much easier said than done, please be very gentle with yourself. There is absolutely NOTHING!!! you could have done to change the outcome. Guilt is a useless emotion, all it does is cause more pain and suffering on top of already feeling as though your heart has been ripped in half. From personal experience, and from what others suffering through similar circumstances have told me, all those "what ifs," could haves," "should haves," would haves," "if onlys," seem to be "normal," given the circumstances. In the beginning of this way beyond miserable "journey," for lack of a better word, I couldn't get the horrific images from the last 24 hours of Bob's time on earth, out of my head. The "should haves," "would haves," "could haves," if onlys," flooded my mind at the same time, making it impossible for me to sleep. Like you I went through the motions of living, forcing myself to get up, etc, etc, etc. ... To answer your question, the timeline for moving forward (I no longer believe in healing) is different for everyone. Tom Zuba, in his first book "Permission To Mourn," tells us that if we do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, let ourselves feel all the pain, misery, darkness, let the tears flow, repeat our stories over and over again, until we can't tell them one more time, grief will lose some of it's power over us. Backing up a bit, Robin, a GIC "family" member and friend, was the first one who explained how life became a strange mix of happy and sad, about two (?) years after her husband, Ron transitioned. I don't remember how far into this "miserable journey" I was before I laughed that first real laugh. I do remember realizing afterwards that I was going to be okay. Life gradually became very bittersweet. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but I want to be honest. I think bittersweet is as good as it gets. However, I'll take bittersweet over the alternative any day!!! This is a judgement free zone. Although at times we might give each other advice, you can take it or leave it, do whatever works best for you. The GIC "family" will support you no matter what you say or do. This site became my safe place. The place I came to when I wanted to "listen to others tell their stories," when I wanted/needed to "talk," wanted advice, or just needed a giant "virtual" hug. I hope this will become your safe place too. Finding GIC, reading "Permission To Mourn," advice given to all of us by Lou, another GIC "family" member and friend, and adopting my dog, Skye, last year, were some of the very best decisions I've made. I'm so sorry you had to find this site, but so glad you did. I hope you'll stick around, give the GIC "family," the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to know the GIC "family." Having said this, for many reasons, after three years, I'm mostly MIA, but there are many wonderful, kind, and caring people on this site, who will be here to support you, as you continue to find your way along this unexpected new path. Sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace... DEB & Skye
Hello Royce. I'm sorry for the loss of your beloved wife. Be very patient with the 'what-if's' when they arise, they will come fast and furious at times, making us feel like surely we could have/should have done more to save our beloved. The truth is that we did the best any human in a desperate, fragile state could do. It was all so much bigger than us. It's been almost 15 months since my Edward passed and I just came up with a new 'what if' last week, and it's driving me crazy. After reliving his last few hours over and over, I identified a moment when he fell out of his wheelchair (he was taking blood thinners) and likely caused the bleed that killed him about 2 hours later. I tell myself that I should have been more aware (since I've been in healthcare for 30 years); the clinical truth is that even if I'd called an ambulance they most likely would not have noticed a change in his vital signs that quickly. Nobody could have saved Edward, it was simply his time to go, he was so tired after 11 years of dialysis. I have been clawing my way back to the light. I have been depleted physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've also been blessed to have some good recovery outlets between grief support groups and individual therapy with a trained grief counselor; but it's still not enough. I'm settling in to accepting what is now a bittersweet existence. Great love, great loss. Please be kind and patient with yourself. Lean into the tools, beliefs, rituals that have saved you during your life prior to your wife's passing. Try not to count on friends and family too much, they will try their best to help you but will fail. Only those of us that have lived this nightmare can understand the depth and breadth of the impact. I wish you peace during your journey. Keep coming back here to GIC with your story. We care about you. ~ Michael
