Hello, I found this group just this evening. My husband of 45 years passed away suddenly on June 15th , 2022 to a heart attack. We had been apart for 2 years as he was overseas when borders were closed due to Covid. He was due to return home at the end of June but was not feeling well. He saw a doctor who sent him for an angiogram., he died shortly after. It was a huge shock. My daughter and I traveled to the country he was in to deal with all the formalities. I was in shock and the only emotion I felt was extreme anger. For months I thought about our whole life together but still I felt angry. My daughter, who is a therapist suggested that I see someone so I spent 4 months pretending to grieve, or so it seems but I believe I was not ready for therapy so I just went through the ‘self care’ motions until it all felt like a waste of time. I handled all the legalities, dealt with his businesses and just worked for that whole first year. It is only recently that I have begun to miss him so much. I was offered a huge promotion at work but felt so lost about whether to accept it or not. This is something I would have discussed with him. I spent a sleepless night being frustrated and sad, anxious to the point where I kept thinking ‘tell me what to do’ over and over. Over the next 2 days, I began to feel at peace and accepted the promotion because I knew he would have told me to ‘go get ‘em’. Now I keep dreaming about him. The drams are all pretty similar. I arrive at a venue and as I am descending stairs, I can see him sitting alone at a table. I feel excited to see him but when I get to the table, he is not there. It makes me so incredibly sad that I am crying for the first time since he died. I realize this is part of grieving and I know grief never goes away. I guess I just need to talk to people who get it.
Diw, There is just no playbook for grief. You cannot predict when it will hit or from where it will come, even from dreams. You kept yourself busy during that first year with legalities and business matters and going through the motions of life that had to be dealt with. I'll bet that he would be proud of you for being able to work through all that and carry on. I'll bet that he would have told you to "go get 'em" and you haven't let him down. He must have loved you dearly. You're right about grief. It never goes away. I still have dreams about my wife somewhat like your dreams. I will dream about the two of us going through a typical day together as if she was still here with me. The dreams are so real that I am heartbroken when I awake and find that it was only a dream. There is no timetable for grief. The fact that you are missing him so much now after one year doesn't mean that you didn't miss him just as much in the first year. You were simply able to hold it under control while you took care of business. You may be crying outwardly now for the first time since his death, but I don't believe for a second that you weren't crying just as hard inside during that first year. We are all vulnerable to manufacturing guilt in some form or another after losing our soulmate. I should have told him this. I should have done that. Why him and not me? Or in your case, why didn't I cry in the first year? Your words make it clear how much you loved him. Make him proud and "go get 'em". Jeff
