My Valentines Day loss

On Valentines Day my guy was getting our dinner ready, heading for the BBQ. He didn't make it.
I was in the same room, didn't see him fall, but I thought he had tripped and hit his head on the frame of the slider door and knocked himself out. He was breathing, I tried to wake him as I called 911. I told him "If you don't wake up, 911 will come and you won't like that" He didn't like hospitals at all.

I got 911 and they told me to get him flat on his back, he had stopped breathing at that point. I screamed for my neighbor to help me as he was on his side and I couldn't pull him out of the doorway to get him on his back. A couple of neighbors came and started compressions very quickly. The Fire dept arrived and told me to sit down so I didn't faint. I wouldn't faint, this was too important.

They worked on him for some time, the compressions didn't stop and they used paddles on him. They didn't get him back. By the time the ambulance arrived, I knew I had lost him. I was going to follow so I didn't get stuck at the hospital with no way home. We are snowbirds and I only have one friend here in AZ, I called her to watch the dog... we have a 6 month old pup. She came and drove me to the hospital, on the way I got the call. He didn't make it.

Both my sons are in WA State, cleaning up their dad's home. 1,600 miles away. He passed 3 weeks before. I had called the sheriff for a welfare check as I hadn't heard from him in 3 days, he always checked in as he lived alone. He had been one of my best friends for 40 years. I had to call his mom and our sons and tell them he was gone, 58 years old, died in his sleep. I still wasn't over that when I lost my David, we had been together 23 years. He was only 62. I have no other family and few friends, they have been dropping like flies.

I just needed someplace to write this, to help me accept this story. That he is really gone and it's not a story, it's a nightmare. I don't think it's sunk in all the way yet. I have been on the phone so much making arrangements, calling everyone, I haven't had much time for me. When the pup is looking for him and crying, it breaks my heart. I haven't lived alone in so long, and financially my world is upside down now. I'm not sure how to put it back together.

Loss started early for me, I never knew my mom and my dad died when I was nine years old. I was raised by my great-grandparents whom of course I lost when I was pretty young also. There has been too much loss in my life. I'm tired.

Thanks for reading my note.

 

Hi RockBlues. I'm so sorry to hear how this all happened and what you're going through. You have my deepest sympathy. All loss is bad, something sudden like you've experienced can seem completely dreamlike. Almost everyone here has experienced a traumatic loss, so we understand much of what you're feeling and thinking. It's a cliche', and I hate it...but try to take care of yourself during this time. Frequently we get so wrapped up in, well, calls and arrangements, and travel, finances, etc. that we forget to rest, to eat well, to cry and process your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to get through this...I'll look for you when you're online. Sending energy your way.

 

As you have said, you have had a tremendous amount of losses and this last one has to be an awful shock. I am sorry to hear this.
Remember, you are not alone. You have many friends on here-people who care and really understand your pain.
We love you,
Chris