My Mother Took Her Own Life July 2nd 2022

Hello,

I'm not sure who I'm writing to or what I'm even wanting to say. My name is Jen and my mother took her life two weeks ago.
At this point I haven't said much to anyone, I seen my doctor and was given something for anxiety and sleep but haven't taken it yet. I asked about help with someone I could talk to and was told that because I have coverage I'd have to find someone myself, problem is, I'm not even sure what kind of person I should be talking to.
I'm self medicating with marijuana, don't judge, I was already using it for pain and sleep, I'm just using a bit more, I'd rather it then the pills the doctor gave me.
I had a very rocky relationship with my mother and I hadn't seen her in 5 years, I hadn't spoken to her in over 3 years and my last words, although true, we're very mean and I'm sure hurtful.
I figured at some point I would mend that fence but now it's not at all possible and I have to live with that fact and I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to do that.
She was very organized in her last few weeks, knew what she was doing, had it all planned out, and followed through when the time came. She left notes for her lawyer and for my brother but nothing for me, which has made this whole thing a bit harder. I know I deserve it, I know I'm the one that stopped talking to her but it still hurts.
My brother is spreading her ashes on Sunday, I'm of course supposed to go and everyone is telling me I have to, so I can get closure but I really don't see how it's going to help.
She gave my brother closure with her letter, and I'm left feeling lost and confused.
Thanks for listening,

Jen (Lost Girl)

 

We all carry guilt and regret over our actions with our loved one we lost. There is no way you could have seen that this was going to happen. Even though they are our mother, they have their problems and can make life more difficult to for us. I am sorry she did not leave you a note or try to contact you before this happened. It would have helped to set things straight more clearly in your mind probably. Has your brother shared with you the note she left him? I don't know if that would be helpful or hurtful, but it might be something you might think about asking about. Be honest with your family about how terrible this situation is for you.
I was told I should do something I didn't want to do and I did it, but I regret it to this day. I went to a funeral and thought this was at least one place I could cry and no one would try to stop me from expressing my feelings, but it wasn't. I wanted to stay in the chapel where they were still playing some music and just grieve, but a friend of mine thought it wasn't good for me and insisted I leave and go over where the people and food was. I have regretted it to this day. No one wants you to grieve. They just want to make everything 'right' and for you to be the way you were before. You can't be the same person you were before you suffered this tragic loss. Of course, you wil be different than you were, but it is okay to just go on and be who you are now.
You will be walking down the road of grief and the beginning of the journey will be the hardest part, so just hold on and keep walking. It will get better.
I love you.
Chris