My mom passed just 5 months after her shocking diagnosis.

Hi.. I'm new here and I'm trying to deal with the loss of my mom, she passed away on the 6th of August 2020 just 5 months after being Diagnosed with acute myleoid leukemia.
I am the youngest of 3 girls, I am turning 24 on the 18th of March, I do not really know how to describe my emotions and I do my best to avoid thinking of my mom, my mom was very special to me and we had an inseparable bond. At the moment my family is broken after the loss and my sisters and I barely talk. I feel alone and I miss my mother, I feel unloved, directionless and purposeless.
I feel that when I do try to speak about my loss, I irritate others so I keep it to myself, however I can't anymore I feel like I am slipping deeper into a dark space faster than I have realised.. I need to start dealing with my loss but I just don't know how to.

 

I’m new to this site myself. A few sent messages to me and were kind. Everyone on here lost someone and I’m hoping you and others can get some comfort from others on this site.

 

Thank you

 

Hi Jessica,

Good job for posting. Also, I am so very sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to you - I know you must be in immense pain in order to reach out into the void of the internet, when in person you feel unable to express yourself.

I've had the same experience - feeling like I'm bringing others down when I bring up my feelings of loss, or making them uncomfortable.

The only person that wants to hear about how I'm processing would be my sister, but for various reasons known and unknown, we have many barriers between us which keep us from communicating well, or really at all. The most we do is text once in a while.

Whereas when my mom was around, I spent most of my time with her, because I was her caregiver. I had no idea that I needed her, while she needed me.

Now that she's gone, I feel so untethered, and the most impactful change is how small I feel to the world. That has come as a huge shock. My mom was the only person in the world who had an ever present vested interest in my life, feelings, experiences and my success. It comes with being a mother, it's the umbilical cord connection I guess. But now that she's gone, it really feels like no one cares, and no one is obligated to care, and that yes although this hurts like hell and I have no idea what to do or how to survive this life or even this day in life, I should really probably keep my mouth shut bc nobody wants to hear about my sniveling except for my mommy. So suck it up and carry on.

I feel absolutely defeated by this realization, it has broadsided me like a truck, I am 100% squished. and I lack any intrinsic self worth to take place of my mother's innate faith in me... I lost my one and only cheerleader in the world. Now I just want to cry and give up, throw my hands in the air and quit. Who cares what happens to me anyway.

Sorry I don't have anything encouraging to counter what you've expressed. Just wanted to let you know by actually showing you, you are not alone in the way you feel, and the way your family has drifted, and the way your sense of self has shrunk. We can be quiet and avoidant and uncertain together. Because I'm so sick of being alone. Time passes slower when you're enduring it all alone.

Sincerely,
Joy

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm in the same boat. I feel like I am surrounded by unsympathetic people. Anytime I am especially down my husband sometimes thinks it's an excuse for being lazy. I kinda feel like people are awkward when I speak about her..like they don't know what to say or do in fear of offending me. But I'm right there with ya. It does get easier but it'll never truly go away.



QUOTE="Jessica Abigail, post: 16741, member: 22268"]Hi.. I'm new here and I'm trying to deal with the loss of my mom, she passed away on the 6th of August 2020 just 5 months after being Diagnosed with acute myleoid leukemia.
I am the youngest of 3 girls, I am turning 24 on the 18th of March, I do not really know how to describe my emotions and I do my best to avoid thinking of my mom, my mom was very special to me and we had an inseparable bond. At the moment my family is broken after the loss and my sisters and I barely talk. I feel alone and I miss my mother, I feel unloved, directionless and purposeless.
I feel that when I do try to speak about my loss, I irritate others so I keep it to myself, however I can't anymore I feel like I am slipping deeper into a dark space faster than I have realised.. I need to start dealing with my loss but I just don't know how to.[/QUOTE]

 

Hey Jessica ! I suddenly lost my grandmother 2 months ago . I am also suffering just like you.. I was so close to her and now without her I feel so disappointed from my life.

 

Hi Jessica,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother almost two months ago. I know the emptiness that it leaves you with. I also know the pain and the devastation that it causes to lose your mother. My brother has also abandoned me and left me alone in my grief. You are not alone. I am here for you and the people here are also here for you. One thing I have come to accept is that nothing will be the same again. I have to get used to my new "normal".
I adored my mother, but she was a very hard woman. I will spare you the ugly details of our relationship, but suffice it to say that even though I will always miss her and it will always hurt, I also found freedom the day she died. She was in so much pain and agony both physical and emotional. It was her time and she was ready to go. I am glad that her suffering is over.

You can always reach out to me and others here to speak about your loss. I will not get irritated. Don't keep it to yourself. It will only fester and hurt you far worse than you are already hurting. Think of your mother and the good times you had. Keep her close to you if it helps.

I truly am sorry for your loss. Don't be afraid of the tears. Let them come and soothe your soul and let them cleanse it as well. I wish you all the peace in the world.

Take care and know that you are not alone.

 

I lost my Mom August 1, 2020. I can tell you all that it doesn’t Just all of a sudden feel better like people expect it to. What DOES happen for us is we begin to learn a “New Life”. A life without Mom in it. It’s NOT EASY. Our Mom was our 1st Home, our 1st Friend, 1st nurse, teacher, chef, taxi driver.. even our 1st enemy. So to think that life will get “easier” without them is just silly. It doesn’t. Life just changes without them. We slowly learn how to “do life” without them. And it still hurts. All of our pain and tears are just a sign of our great love. Don’t allow anyone to rush you into learning your new life. Bless you all.