my first try at reaching out to others after the loss of my husband almost 2 years ago

At 43, (2 years ago) I lost my husband rather suddenly to a rare liver disease, leaving me alone with our 4 year old daughter. We are almost 2 years from the day of his passing, but I still feel the hole in my heart like it happened yesterday. I've yet in all this time really had an opportunity or the desire to reach out to those with similar experiences, but now after 2 years, I truly feel like I'm beginning to process his loss and wanted to try to begin connecting with others with a similar history, if only to feel that someone truly understands my perspective.

The first 6 months were chaos; we were in the midst of covid, in isolation..I was working full time in a health care setting, trying to home school my 4 year old because of lockdowns and help her through the processing of the devastating loss of her dad while at the same time trying to put one foot in front of the other to get through every day and just keep my head above water. In the 6 months following, I had to sell our family home, move, find a new job, start a new life in a new city to be closer to family.. On reflecting on it all, I truly don't know how I got through it...

And now that my life has settled a little, I find that the delayed grief is settling in. I no longer feel the numbness or shock of the loss, but the dull ache and roller coaster of emotions that I don't think I ever processed because I didn't have the time to reflect on my grief. It was always about my daughter..is she ok, helping her through the triggers that made her cry, missing her dad, which in turn, made me feel so sad and triggered the grief all over again for me. This is the cycle that we are in now. I'm surrounded by wonderfully supportive family and friends, but as so many of you know, no one can really have insight into what this type of loss feels like unless you've been through it. Not a day goes by that he is not a part of my thoughts and his loss is still so raw..The grief comes in waves and out of nowhere...I remember reading that if often 'ambushes' you..I can absolutely relate to this..

I believe I am a pretty resilient person, but my biggest fears moving forward are twofold; first, that I can't be everything my daughter needs without him and second, that I lose more of him with each passing day that he is gone. I know I am doing the best I can, but it would be comforting to hear how others are doing, especially those with kids who have lost a parent.

I welcome your thoughts and am wishing you all well as we work through this journey; it was never the path I would have chosen but I welcome the encouragement of looking forward to the future but also looking back at the blessings of our life together in the time we had.

Thanks for listening..