My First Love Committed Suicide on my Birthday

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by bub, Sep 12, 2019.

  1. bub

    bub New Member

    Sean had a hard time growing up. His father, a famous Cardio-Thoracic surgeon with plenty of assets, died in a coke-fuelled motorcycle crash 5 days before Sean was born. While finishing up a pregnancy, his mother was forced to plan a funeral. And that was the scene when Sean came into this world- dramatic, drug-fuelled, death. Needless to say, Sean absolutely hated his birthday. Sean was taken care of by his entire extended family- the best Irish Catholic family for him to have had. Yet his mother developed a drinking problem in his early life, but has managed to maintain sobriety from when Sean was 13 years old. Sean went to multiple catholic schools and boarding schools that he never really liked, and then in his senior year of high school, he decided to enroll in the public school in my town.

    This began when I was Junior in High School and he was a Senior. On our first date, we realized that he had lived a block away from me for my entire life. This man, who lit up my world and taught me that I could be loved and that I could give love to others, was right there the whole time. He and I had dated on and off for about 3 years, always managing to find our way back to each other despite stupid arguments or little spats. I have never felt a love greater or even equal to the love I felt for Sean. He was my world. We understood each other on such a deep level that we knew what the other person was thinking. He practically lived with me and we spent every waking second together as well as many sleepy nights. He had always struggled with his mental health, but when we were together, both of our mental health mindsets just seemed to get better.

    And then he started selling drugs. It was a constant tension between us and I told him the drugs would ensure the end of our relationship at some point. Eventually, while we were on a break or something he actually got arrested for having marijuana on him with intent to sell. He spent a few days in a correctional facility and then carried on business as usual- except for mandatory psych evaluations, court dates, drug tests, and the fact that one wrong move could have him back in jail, or worse. Instead of attending a school in Florida that he had been accepted to, he was forced to take community college classes and also juggle work and probation as he was not allowed to leave the tri-county-area for a year. The positives of this situation were that Sean was 100% sober and not selling drugs. He was a phenomenal person to be around as his sober self and I loved being around him.

    Beginning of March 2019: I told Sean about some of my own dark thoughts. I had begun to self harm again and I wanted him to know how much I was hurting. He always kissed my scars. This time, in addition, he asked me to promise him. He held my pinky in his and asked me to swear that I would never take my own life. I told him he had to say the same, and he did.

    Middle of March 2019: I felt like Sean and I were drifting apart. He didn't really seem to care about me or anything at all at that point. And yet he had so much to look forward to because once it became summer he was allowed to go to the school he wanted to go to in Florida. It would be a great fresh start for him and I was so happy he was doing this. Even though I felt a shift in our dynamic, I wanted to see if he even wanted to be just friends with me. I told him that I thought our relationship would work best as close friends for now and to see where that can go for the future. This is when he effectively cut me out of his life. The last words exchanged between us are me saying "peace out" and him saying "peace."

    Weeks go by and suddenly its almost my birthday. April 23 could not come fast enough- I was going to be 20! I hadn't spoken to Sean at all since our last spat, but of course I assumed that wouldn't be the last time I'd ever get to talk to him. And then on April 22, Sean went missing. I didn't think anything of it at first- maybe he was sick of waiting for his court stuff to let him leave New York and just went off to Florida. And then on my birthday he still wasn't found but that night the police combed the woods of his favorite place to go with his friends. By the morning of the 24th, Sean's body was found, hung from a tall tree overlooking the ocean. He always loved the ocean and I just hope thats the last thing he saw and that his last thoughts were calm and peaceful. I am still wondering if the fact that he saw his birthday as his fathers death made him decide to connect his death to my birthday and hang himself on April 23.

    A few days later I went to his funeral. There was an open casket. First of all, Sean was 6'8" so he barely fit inside. they propped his lifeless head up with a pillow as if nobody would notice. I am convinced that if I had not seen him in front of me dead, I never would have believed he had died. He wore a black tight turtleneck under his favorite button-down so as to cover the injuries from where he tied that rope around his neck. Sean hated being constricted in any way so this bothered me that he had to be all wrapped in that. The most sickening sight was his face. Once beautiful, so full of light, pale, and freckly and of course shimmery blue eyes, now an unrecognizable stranger whose nose was too pointy, face had too much makeup on it, and his freckles were washed away along with those bright blue eyes. His lips were purple and his chest was covered in stitches. Every time I close my eyes or whenever my mind wanders, I always land on the image of Sean in his casket.

    I don't really know what I can get out of this forum, but I would like to at least start some conversation based on what I have here so far as well as any questions anyone might have. And I would love to hear similar and different stories of loss in order to try to grieve.

    Sean was 21 when he hung himself and left no note. I have no answers as to why. I loved that boy with my entire being and I know he loved me the same. I just feel so alone now and the only person who would understand this feeling is Sean. Hopefully you guys have things to share with me and I hope to be able to be a shoulder to cry on for someone else as well.
  2. jay.cheek

    jay.cheek Member

    I have been there done that but caught on before it was to late. If you need someone to talk to I am here for you.
  3. thatonegirl

    thatonegirl Member

    I don't know if you'll see this and I hope with everything in me that you're alright because I'm currently going through something similar and its very lonely. This is the first story I've seen where I felt moved to write something of my own.

    My first love took his life about four months ago and I struggle everyday trying to remind myself that he loved me and would want me to keep going on. We'd bonded on our hopelessness and the trauma our families caused us. We were very different (in beliefs and how we coped) but we loved each other and helped each other when our lives got rough. He was a loner and was very firm on solving his issues alone, which would always start with a text on needing space to think but he'd always tell me what was on his mind after a few days. So I got used to showing him love when he seemed down and waiting for him to come to me when he was ready. I, on the other hand, am diagnosed with general anxiety and clinical depression and had countless panic attacks about my family in front of him. He was always great at calming me and the longer we dated I had less and less panic attacks just from being in his comforting presence.

    We had just celebrated our one year which was a fancy celebration but the days following he was quiet and withdrawn. Nothing I said, did, or offered seemed to catch his interest and every time I asked what was wrong I was met with a short 'nothing'. There had been moments where he'd shake me off if I tried to cuddle or hug him. But on other days he seemed generally fine with bouts of quietness. My anxiety told me during the week following our anniversary that I had done something wrong nothing I was doing was making it better. The last day I spent with him was abnormally normal. We just played videogames before I had to meet up with a childhood friend. I remember whining to him that I wanted to cancel with her and spend the rest of the day with him but I didn't cancel with that friend. He walked me to my car, gave me a kiss and did our awfully long goodbye sequence.

    The next day he canceled plans, said he needed the day to himself (which wasn't unusual). I went the whole day bored, reading books and texting him. I fell asleep wondering if he was okay, worried that something was wrong. I was at work when they called me. He'd hung himself not too far from his apartment and since he didn't talk to his family they wanted to meet up with me. Currently I live less than a mile from where he passed. I had already signed the lease and paid four months rent before he passed (thinking we'd live close to each other) and the pain is unbearable.

    If you are still on this forum I want to know how you handle/handled the pain? Does it get easier trying to remember every reason he loved you and trying to love yourself in those ways? I know you might not have all the answers but I write from the same lost place. How is any of this fair? He was only 23 and he was moving up quickly in his job. I know he probably needed more than I could have ever offered but how do you come to peace with that? As their partners we love them and spend countless hours together. How can we miss something as big as them needing us? And the worst part is everyone is moving on with their lives but I feel like I'm stuck in July. I'm stuck on the day I found out and I don't know how to move past that. I don't know how to get pass these questions, I talk to my therapist weekly but I still feel so isolated and alone. What are things you've done to feel seen or feel better?