Hi, I'm looking for advice, my brother died of a massive heart attack whilst on a night out. It happened on the 23 December. I miss him so much I want to know how to deal with these feeling of grief and the feeling of not wanting to carry on x
It is so hard. My brother passed two days after Christmas, in his sleep. The gut-wrenching hollowness is debilitating.
Sorry for your losses. Yes the heaviness of the 'gut wrenching hollowness' seems almost unbearable. You wanted to know the best way of dealing with your feelings when you feel like not wanting to carry on. The best way to get through this is to just do each day what you are able to do. It may be very little and insignificant but do what you can. Just keep on when you don't think you can. You are in the worst part of the grief walk-the beginning. This will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you are not alone. We care and Jesus cares. He knows what pain and loss feel like. When he heard that Lazarus was dead He wept. He tells us to cast our cares upon Him and He will carry us when we can't walk by ourselves. Don't give up hope. There is light on the other side of this darkness. Stay connected here. We understand when no one else can. Chris
Kathy and Lady Shine, Thinking of you. The holiday season is such a hard time to lose someone, especially when it is so unexpected. A shock which comes out of nowhere. We lost our son as a result of suicide. I was completely devastated and was useless as far as any normal functioning was concerned. The only thing that kept me was the assurance that God would bring me through that terrible nightmare. I used to think that the night was the time of peace, but that in the morning when I awoke the nightmare began again. When things got bad, I would tell myself that tomorrow in the morning things would look better. It was a very difficult trial, but I knew God loved me and would help me. I never let go of that thought. I want you to know I care about both of you girls and God does too. Let me know how you are managing. Chris
You are exactly right, the worst part is the grief walk in the beginning, I lost my brother suddenly on 1-3-24 and we have no answers other than natural causes. I have many thoughts about what happened to him, though we know he did not commit suicide, most likely illness was the result. However, I have never been in a situation like this where I can't say my goodbye or have closure because we could not see the body and he was cremated. I have a sister and she does not grieve like me, seems to stuff and be stoic about it all, but I know each of us grieve in our own way. I have discovered that there are many things that ambush me right now and although I have a lot of supports in my life, I still seem to struggle with functioning on a daily basis. I have many interests and work full time, but also stress. I am not sleeping well and sometimes take my emotions out of those that love me. How did you make it through this? I have joined a support group for grief and meet weekly, and know that I can't master grief but it seems so hard to navigate too.
So sorry for your loss. It is so very recent. When we lost Shawn, I went to work but I was completely dysfunctional. It is only by the grace of God that I was allowed to stay in my position. After a period, I went back to my home state to finish what I needed to get some retirement allowance, and then returned to NC, and again worked here. I hate to say it, but this grief walk does not happen overnight. It is a process, and sometimes when you think you are doing better, then something 'ambushes' you, and it is again a struggle. It takes determination to continue, strength, and courage. If you can just achieve some small things everyday, you should feel good about it. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. If you can take some time, even if it is not long, each day to go outside and take a walk it will relieve some of your tension. I saw it as a quiet time to keep reminding myself that no one could help me but God, and I had no doubts that He would-and He did. But as I said, it was a slow process for me. I am so glad to read that you have joined a support group. Sometimes it helps to talk something out. When I was seeing a counselor, I learned that he didn't even need to have the answer to my question or troubled thoughts because as I talked about it, the answer would come to me. It helps if you try to listen for God's leading and His speaking to you in a still small voice in your heart. He loves you and wants to heal you, guide you, strengthen you, and help you through this awful nightmare. Please let meknow how your day has gone. Chris I think I have talked too much, but it is coming from my heart, and I hope something will help you even if it is a small help.
Hi Kathv I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. Did your brother have any heart problems while he was alive? Your brother would want you to remember him for how he was not how he died. I dealt with my feelings of grief by going online and signing up with every grief support group that I could find pertaining to the death of my husband. The people in the grief support groups are all real live people who all experienced the death of a loved one. One of the grief support groups I was a member of had Zoom meetings every Friday night as a way of having members talk on a live video feed and all of them told their story and some of the members formed long term friendships. I was a member of an online bereavement group which held Zoom meetings every Wednesday night. I did this for about 1 year and eventually stopped going online to the zoom meeting. When it was my turn to tell my story I felt awkward and didn’t know how the others would react or say to me because my husband died from receiving a fentanyl laced bag of heroin. Most of the online members have been with this bereverment group for years and know each other very well. I admired one woman who lost her son to a senseless New Years Day murder a few years ago. She has a very large support system of friends and family who have stuck by her side from the beginning. She even read her victim impact statement to us which she read out loud in the courtroom. She also celebrates her son’s birthday every year and has a large gathering of people who remember her son each and every year. She also was taking care of her elderly mother while grieving her son. The mother died a few months before I stopped the Zoom meetings. She also had a stone memorial made in memory of her son and his girlfriend who was killed along with her son at her New Years Club. When my husband’s birthday comes along, I don’t do any kind of celebrations - I talk out loud to him and wish him a heavenly birthday and that I love him and miss him and that’s it. When his death anniversary day comes along, I’m still traumatized of seeing the black body bag containing my husband’s body being loaded into an awaiting white van gheading to the morgue. I have pictures of him and I all around my bedroom walls and on my nightstand and entertainment center. It took me 2 years before I was able to create a photo album with pics of him and I from when we celebrated his birthday in Atlantic City New Jersey and other life events up until the last picture I had of him standing at a lake on Aug 9 2019. I put his memorial card at the end of the photo because it was symbolic to me - that he is deceased. My brother died 6 years ago from kidney failure and was only 49 years old. I took his death hard because we weren’t on speaking terms before he died and I felt guilty for not trying harder for a resolution and never visiting him at his home in the mountains. 17 months later his wife died from a massive heart attack so I know that they are together in heaven. She died of a broken heart - my brother was her life and her true love. I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t return my calls or understand what she was going thru until I lost my husband. My brother was a good husband to her and spoiled her rotten and did all the housework and cooking despite having debilitating health conditions. He wasn’t the kind of brother who would stick up for me because he didn’t like conflict or drama. He had diabetes at age 12 and didn’t take care of his health until it manifested into serious health issues many years later. I don’t think of him too often but he’s in my heart and in my mind always.
