My big brother

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by Feral212, Jun 2, 2022.

  1. Feral212

    Feral212 New Member

    Hello everyone. I hate that I have found myself here however I know its something I have to accept but I am struggling. I will try and shorten everything as best as I can.

    I lost my big brother in late September '21 just a couple of weeks after his 31st birthday.

    Me and my brother had so many ups and downs over the years, as siblings do. Laterally our relationship was severely strained at many times. He moved in with me and was difficult to live with, we had a small (distanced) garden get together for the 1 year anniversary of losing my papa in '20. I was assaulted that night by a "friend" not sexually but punched multiple times. I then left as my brother shouted "you leave now, I will smash everything you own" I grabbed my 2 dogs and high tailed it out of there.

    On his 30th birthday he got out of his face on drugs and was on a bad come down, so I decided at that point to tell him my address (I kept it hidden even from our mother because of his threats) he chilled on my sofa and broke his heart over everything over the years.

    His then gf broke up with him and it damaged him so bad. He became very strange and out of character. He was being way too unpredictable and was threatening his ex gf. I got the police involved. I think this was where things took a turn.

    I called the police so that he could get proper psychological help or at least have a bit of time to think about what he done and regret it.

    He was pending a court case but due to covid things weren't moving fast. I also worked with him in our family business, he was so disinterested and didn't give a shit for almost a year before he passed.

    Anyway, things were up and down for around a year and a half, I couldn't find it in myself to get on with him after his threats to my belongings, kicking one of my dogs that night and making me feel so shit I dropped everything and left.

    He was supposed to go to Leeds (Eng) for a stag-do on Saturday 25th of Sept '21. He was not active on Facebook, Instagram, tiktok, discord or anything all weekend. On the 27th of Sept I was put buying new wipers for my car and my mum phoned to say she was worried about him, I said he's probably hung over or been picked up by the police in Leeds but she wasn't so sure.

    My mum lives 40 miles away from the home we lived in and I stayed around a mile away so I said I would go and check on him and see if he was at home. My mum was going to go and check and I'm so thankful she didn't.

    I went to the home and looked in all the windows and couldn't see much, I was ready to leave and I had a massive pull telling ne to look through the letterbox.


    And looking through the letter box, I seen his face against the bannister (it wasn't particularly high) initially I thought he just had a serious mental lapse or breakdown and was trying to focus himself (this wasn't unusual as he was very spiritual due to his martial arts lifestyle). I hadn't noticed anything else. I then tried the door which was open and straight away his feet got caught under the door so I barged the door open hoping he would snap out of his meditation with the door jamming his feet. That's when I seen it. That house coat belt around his neck and the banister.

    I immediately touched his neck and felt he was ice cold, I closed the door over and immediately phoned the emergency services. The call handler asked me if he was beyond help which I said yes (I am a funeral director so I have a pretty good idea what the script is when it comes to death). She then asked if I could untie him and check fir signs of life. I knew he was way beyond any help but I still untied him die to the emergency services request. I lowered him to the floor (it was suspension not drop hanging) as I lowered him I heard that last breath leave his body (I know it was just gas from the intestines and stomach but it still strikes me as his last breath).

    Part of me thinks it was fitting it was me that found him because we were so close abd he wouldn't have wanted anyone ti see him that vulnerable a d I'm in a strange way I am the only one with these images but by the same token I am struggling. My mum seems to have forgotten she has 2 other kids (me and my sister) and she relates everything back to what she has lost, not what she has.

    I whole heartedly get it but she sends me fb memories or photos and things but all I see is how I found him. I was on antidepressants but I took myself off of them due to the groggy feeling they left me with. I fully understand everyone grieves different and people go through different stages at different times but I wish everyone would just take a step back and let me breath for a second without reminding me at every chance.

    I get that my mum lost her son but I wish she'd take a moment to think that I lost a brother, a friend and at times a burden and I am literally the only person that seen him there. Like that. So alone. For three nights. I try to cope and I think I'm good at putting on a face at thos point but internally I have this burning sadness and absolute rage and I don't know how to live with it.

    My friends and partner keep saying I'm doing okay and getting there slowly but surely but I feel like I've forgotten my old self and this is all just a show I put on for people. I have found myself drinking and using recreational drugs a lot recently and I worry for myself. I don't physically harm myself but I have very dark and overwhelming thoughts of just ending it and not living with the memories anymore.

    Thank you to anyone who has read all of this so far but I don't know where else to turn. I paid for a private psychologist and therapist but got told I was just "going through the motions" after 2 sessions, this was 2 weeks before Xmas and I think the bitch couldn't be arsed with me or my grief.

    I honestly don't know what I hope to achieve by venting to others and I apologise for spilling my guts to you all, but thank you if you have stayed for this long and if you have anything that you think would help, please let me know, I am getting desperate. I have since left the city (due to other reasons as well) which I feel has helped a little as I have new friends and things but I don't get any of this out of my head.

    My heart breaks for all of us that found ourselves here and I do hope things get better for you all abmnd one day you will find your new way of life and try to start enjoying even the smallest of moments. Best of luck to you all, love and peace