My baby, my boy, my son... the person who made me a mother, passed away on 1/1/2021

Today has been the hardest day I've faced, and although I've been a member here, I've not posted until now.
I've tried to work at my job, tried to maintain my relationship with my surviving child, tried to carry on, but today I just can't.
My son was a heroin addict. He was clean almost 4 full years, contracted covid over the Christmas holiday and when quarantined gave into the never ceasing draw of heroin.
He and I talked about that often. That heroin changes the brain chemistry, that he always dealt with that.
For nearly 4 full years, just weeks short of his receiving his 4 year chip from AA, he was in a situation he was not able to fill his time with other things and gave in to that draw.
I'm conflicted in being hurt that he gave in, although I understand of why, and that he hurt me and he hurt his children, especially his son who found him dead; because I was worried that he wasn't responding to my texts and phone calls and he had covid. My grandson volunteered to check on him.
I have his cat now. Peter. Peter is invasive, pushing himself into my reality . I have to deal with Peter, and the fact that Mark is dead.
Mark had three children, beautiful offspring and their mother who tried but couldn't raise good kids with a father who was an addict, so she broke up with him. She lost her best friend when he died, the person she turned to when she needed help with those beautiful children they made.
She turns to me now when things get overwhelming.
I have another child who is living her life in a different state. She is not allowing herself to be emotionally available to me. I might be too heavy a burden right now.
I'm lost in a desert of endless nothing.

 

My son passed away almost four weeks ago from an overdose they think. I never knew he was doing drugs and it still feels like it was a dream. You are stronger than you think and you will get through this, maybe not whole but I think we can survive and live for our lost loved ones. I am here if you need to talk or vent.

 

You are so right.