I am an addict. My life was out of control. I am now 4 months clean. It was so much easier to deal with the Los of my parents. I lost my mom when she was 53 of a massive stroke. One stroke of many. I was incarcerated for something as stupid as breaking a statue in someone's property when I was drunk and high. I got called up to the gate and was told my mom had a stroke and things were not looking good. The jail too me too see her. I walked in the room with my Dad at her side and my mom looking at me in Orange and chains. I will never forget the look on my mom's face from what the stroke did to her. One of her eyes were open much more than the other. I will forever remember that face. It haunts me daily even after all the time has passed. Long story short my Mom had minor stroke after that and I remember walking in the room one day and she was holding her head crying because she was in so much pain, they're was nothing I could do. She was my best friend in the world. I shared so much with her and her the same. I was so lost. I had to tell my father to pull the plug on my Mom who's brain no longer had activity. It was there hardest thing I have ever had to do. I lost my dad when he was 58. He was a very sickly man. Growing up he was a very hard father and husband to my Mom. He even was cruel at times. I would beg my mom to leave him and several times she wanted to but he was a good supporter and we would have nothing without him. I'm making this very short as to my fingers are already cramping lol. Like I said a hard man. He supposedly when I was a child was his favorite thing. I was with him all the time. I'm not sure what happened but eventually he no longer wanted me around. He always yelled and screamed at me making me feel worthless. When my children were born my father started turning into a good man. He turned into someone I could live dearly. We bonded as adults, not to say we didn't have our fights. He acted like my father and a good husband. We figured with his health scares he would be the first to die. That wasn't how it turned out. Mom got sick and Dad couldn't take off her because of him being sick. He had cancer and lost both kidneys. Had histoplasmosis I'm both lungs and his eyes. Neuropathy. Dialysis 3 times a week. He would come home from dialysis and screen in pain because they took to much fluid off of him out he would be very sick in a day because they didn't take enough fluid off. He was constantly passing out and breaking bones, while taking care of both of my children while I was in rehab. I called him one day and my aunt answered the phone and said his memory hadn't been good that day. I talked to him and he was fine. Something changed during the night and he went into a coma that he never got out of. To this day doctors don't know why he was like that. I walked in the room to another horror scene with tubes everywhere and his body just withering in bed, constantly moving in a very unnatural way. And then I had to make the decision to pull the plug again. Both loses were hard on me, but for some reason my Dad bothers me the most and I don't know why. I miss both of my parents so so much. I love day by day trying to act like nothing wrong and that I'm ok but inside I'm still dying. I have tried to move on, but the pain won't subside. I keep seeing them in the hospital beds in their final states and am haunted by it. What do I do? I don't know anymore...
Driley, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and father. I know how strongly it affected me when I lost both of my parents, and was with my wife when she did as well. That is great you have turned your life around. We all are capable of bad times, be we also are able with time to make that effort to fix our lives for the better. Having to be with your mother and be with her in the final moments is of course tragic. I was with my wife when she took her last breath, it is a moment that will be with us forever. I realized my wife would no longer suffer and so I was happy about that. It has been five years this month for me. For you, some days will be harder than others. It is normal as we each shed tears for the one(s) we loved and lost. Our parents lives affect each of us so much. One day we are happy, the next we are punished, the next we are lonely and on and on it can go. My day a World War 2 vet was always working. He would leave my mother, my brother, my two sisters and I on a Sunday on his way out to his next maintenance job. He would not return until Friday night each week. Because he travelled so much he had accidents in bad weather we might not hear about until he came home on the weekend all bandaged up. The roads in Maine can be treacherous, from animals, weather and so many other things. He was like your dad, a hulking strong man, a great provider and one you would never challenge physically. I miss him like you must as well. My dad did get to see my children some for ten years of his life, but it was for small blocks of time, for he had motivated me to also go into the service, which I did for 12 plus years, spending two tours in Vietnam, as did my brother. Bad habits, smoking, dad passed from lung cancer, mom smoked but died from stomach flu, I smoked for years until I quit in 1983. Thankfully neither of my sons smoke now. Yes, you seeing both of your parents pass is hard to accept and even harder to get out of your head, but with the passage of time, peace will come to your mind eventually. Loss is something we never wish to encounter. What you do now, is start to face those sorrows you have inside you. To hold them in will just eat you up inside over time. So talk with family, be with them if possible in this time of isolation from the covid-19 virus. Talk with friends, and talk with complete strangers. Just remember, your inner turmoil is real. Those feelings inside churn like a fire building within you, so talk, talk, talk, and when you are done talk some more. As a man, after loss, tears are a natural thing and never be afraid to shed them, as it is natural. I know the first time I started to walk into a room where my dad was and heard him crying, it was the first time in my life I had seen that, and so I realized dad was capable of emotion. I am also sure all that he saw in World War 2 as a naval sailor was very hard to get beyond. My brother's first father was killed in the DDay invasion. So take care of yourself, your children and please never allow life to get the better of you again. Peace be with you. -david Words from a mother to a son A song for those who have passed
It's been 10 years for my mom and 7 years for my dad since they died. It still has not gotten any better. I cry for them daily. I don't know why I can't get through this. I'm so good at adapting to situations but I just can't get past this. Thank you for responding to my post. Your kind words mean the world to me. I can't imagine being in you shoes with losing your wife too. How do you deal with that? If I lost my wife that would be it for me. I have nothing left to live for. On top of everything I just found out I have some health problems going on. I have tachycardia, diabetes, and 2 nodules in my right lung. I'm only 36. I'm scared, but a part of me wishes that this was fatal so I could just be with my mom and dad again. How do you move on?
Driley, Time is not relative to loss, meaning, we feel when we feel. For some it lasts a long-long time. One reason why you are still having such strong feelings is never ever really facing the emotions you have inside yourself. Keeping their hurt inside and having no one to talk to just makes it virtually impossible to ever alleviate those feelings. Being among others who have lost allows you to talk openly. Being able to adapt is not the same as facing yourself. When you lose someone, it is you and any other relatives who are affected. It is only you that has to open up yourself to your emotions. It sounds like you have held down all those emotions for years and moved on to other events in your life that occurred and never faced the actual losses in life you faced. By opening up about your feelings for them, it allows you to slowly work on those wounds you never allowed to heal inside yourself. It isn’t easy to face fear, yes fear. It is like a nightmare that you have kept to yourself, and it might recur over time. The only way to move beyond it is to talk about it. Not just once, but until you have talked yourself out. It is not a straightforward path and it isn’t as though by talking about it those feelings will rush out and disappear. It takes time, after time to work on your emotions. It took me almost 5 years. Why? I had no one to talk with. Once I found this site I started talking and would not shut up. I also talked to others about their emotions, and by doing that day after day it was as one day a weight was lifted off my shoulder and I felt so much better inside. I could crawl into bed at night and not spend another restless night for I had finally found an inner peace for me. I will also tell you I watched so many videos, listened to so much music, and looked at all our photo albums of the one(s) I lost in life, day after day after day. It was a long process, but I am here today to tell you and all others who will listen, it worked for me. Driley, when I lost my wife I had years to prepare for her loss (10 years), and even after she passed it still took an enormous faith in myself and a commitment that I needed to feel better again. I stuck with it, never gave up, and would not shut up and post until I could finally face my wife Nadine’s death, without crumbling anymore. Today I can talk about all my losses, they are many, wartime and not, and I can do it with memories and finish it, meaning not stop in the middle of talking and say I have to quit. The day people reach that point is the day they have beaten their sorrow and won the battle for their soul. Just remember, never forget about your health, your family and keep them first and foremost, and then work on your inner feelings. With time relief will eventually come. Take care for now. Peace be with you and the days forward. -david This is a song for you in your time of need
Thank you David. I have no words too express how your words have helped me. Just talking a tiny bit about this has taken so if the load off my shoulders. That song was touching. It really hit the spot. After all is said and done I will rise up! My mom and dad wouldn't want me living like this but it's hard. So much left unsaid. I'll keep talking and hope for the best. Thank you from the depths of my heart.
Driley, You are welcome. Happy Easter and please have a restful sleep tonight and remember life is worth it. -david
