Missing my husband

Discussion in 'LGBTQ Loss' started by Capable, Mar 15, 2020.

  1. Capable

    Capable New Member

    Greetings, all. I am new here. Lost my husband of 23+ years to metastatic melanoma just before Thanksgiving 2019. Had been attending grief support group meetings before groups were suspended because of the new coronavirus precautions. Continuing to go to monthly counseling. Had been looking forward to beginning a pottery class, but that too has been postponed.

    I have been open about my grief on social media. Sometimes families and friends get it. Other times I get advice I don’t want: suggestions to find a new partner, roommate, adopt rescue cats, and read a metaphysical book. People mean well. I just get tired of saying, "Not looking for advice. Just need you to listen." Meanwhile I am trying to be open to new things.

    Sending peace and strength to all who are grieving here.
    David Hughes likes this.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Capable, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing the one we love is awful. Having to drop our support mechanism is another hard one to face.

    I know what you mean, with the current environment we are in, the virus is such an unknown, and we really don’t know who is safe and who is not. Fear of this unknown is hard. My sons try to protect me by staying away, which of course makes life even that harder.

    I agree with you, sometimes all we need is for others to listen. Let us talk, which is what we need to do.

    Capable, do all the talking you wish. I will listen, and not judge. Just be as open as you like. I do know we don’t know what tomorrow holds in store for us all, but at least if we can be open and honest and state what is on our mind, healing can and will begin, slowly over time.

    One of the worst things in my life was not being able to open up about my wife of 42 years. Once the initial sorrys were said, people would scatter, go back to their lives and that was that for me.

    Capable, I had held this hurt inside me for four years. Nadine, my wife had been with me for over half of my life, almost covering half a century. It wasn’t until I found this website that I was finally able to be open. I talked like there was no tomorrow, and who knows perhaps there is not.

    By being able to open up, I slowly realized my inner turmoil was slowly lessening. I could focus more, be more receptive to others, and face my days better. So please take all the time you need, be as frank as you wish, and if some things are too private to share, carry on a conversation with me in private.

    Peace be with you. I hope tomorrow and the days that follow are better for you. I am so into music I hope you don’t mind me adding a song just for you.


    Don't let the name of the music fool you, it is the music that is important. Sometimes words are not necessary.

    glego likes this.
  3. Samcanava

    Samcanava Member

    I understand what your going through. I lost my partner of 20 years on Dec 24 2019. He was my best friend and we did everything together. I lived in a bubble for it was basically him and I most of the time. He had cancer in 2018 and we had the all clear that he was cancer free. Little did we know that he also had Lou Gehrig's (ALS) Wasn't diagnosed till oct 31, 2019. All are hopes and dreams have vanished. Once he beat cancer I envisioned us getting older in our new house but that was not the case. I still can't seem to get out and do things we used to do. Carona virus isn't helping. I just want to talk to people who are going through a loss. My grief counselor from hospice recommended this website. Take care. Sorry for your loss. Hope to hear from you.
    David Hughes likes this.
  4. Capable

    Capable New Member

    Belated thanks to you, David, for your comforting and supportive words. My compassion to you in the passing of your beloved Nadine.

    Thank you for the beautiful violin music.

    I haven't visited this site much but am wishing you peace and strength. Hope you have a good day.
    glego and David Hughes like this.
  5. Capable

    Capable New Member

    Samcanava, belated thanks for your message. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved partner. It sounds like you went through so much together. Sending peace and compassion to you.

    Like you, my partner and I spent most of our time together -- just the two of us. I have been taking a paid online course on healing grief with David Kessler. He also has a free online grief community -- a private Facebook group during this pandemic.

    Take care and hope you have a good day, all things considered.
    glego and David Hughes like this.
  6. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I lost my husband just before Christmas, and also get "advice" I try to keep in mind that people mean well and are trying to help. And of course their is a friend of my husband that has told him that he'd take care of me, if he wasn't around. (my husband was ill since '15) The made him laugh, he'd say that I'd likely be taking care of him and that I've done my time. Also that I wouldn't have him anyway. (true) Yes, he's already asked if I was ready for a boyfriend during a phone call. Yep, I busted out in laughter, probably not the most tactful thing to do, but oh well, dumb thing to ask. He's never been married, so I write this off to that.

    Sometimes, people need to vent, humans like to avoid pain, and like to fix things. This can't be fixed, and the pain is a road that we have to travel to get to the other side. There is no speed limit here, it takes each one of us what it takes. Some days we crawl, other days we move forward, stick in neutral, or even reverse. I have faith that in the right time we'll get there.
    David Hughes likes this.
  7. Samcanava

    Samcanava Member

    I hope yo
  8. Samcanava

    Samcanava Member

    I hope your are taking care of yourself. I am seeing a grief counselor sponsored by hospice who were there when Mike past away it's free for the year it was the first time last week when I had to do over phone. It's helped. I have my good days and bad but lately I felt stuck so she mentioned this website to maybe connect with others going through similar circumstances. I work a lot so that has helped me take my mine off of things for a short period. I never realized how hard it will be. If you ever want to talk, I will surely listen. Take care.
  9. MobieDC

    MobieDC Member

    I just experience my loss a week now. I'm here to talk.
  10. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Lost my soul mate of 28 years after a 3 year struggle with multiple comorbidities, Dec 12, 2019. My dad keeps giving me advice, and when I tell him his advice isn’t helping, he gets irate and accuses me of “taking it out on him.” Doesn’t surprise me. I could never rely on him for much, but it intensifies the loneliness knowing that I can’t really lean on anyone when I need to. It deters me from reaching out for fear of getting my hand slapped.
  11. Jasper

    Jasper Member

    I just heard the music David posted. Thanks so much. The violin resonates my soul in that it's so sad at times, then feels stronger, then deeply yearns, sobs, throbs with pain and on and on and on it goes. No two moments are alike. The days drag on. I try keeping busy and do, but the pain is always below the surface if it's not bubbling over. Thanks for all your sharing and support you write. So much sadness and pain. We all feel it. Sometimes differently and sometimes very similarly. Peace to you in your journeys.