My dad died suddenly in June, and soon after my mom, his wife of 62 years had a resurgence of cardiac problems. Still haven't been able to grieve his liss, and now im anticipating her's, as she's also been diagnosed with dementia. It landed her in the hospital and then rehabilitation center, where she still is. Trying to transition her to assisted living, which she doesn't want to do. (Long very sad story, which breaks me). When dad passed, i packed a bag and grabbed my cat, drove a couple of hours to be there, and haven't been home since. Im physically, emotionally, and so psychologically displaced. My sister is here, too, but she's got too many of her own huge problems that she's not available to help with anything. Oh, and btw, im also power of attorney and health care proxy -- involuntary, but can't get out of it. It's beyond imagination. Im so overwhelmed and sad. Can't figure out how im going to get to the other side of this. Have therapy 1x week -- just a drop in the ocean. I'm an orphan now, and don't know what to do, how to do it, or where to go.
It takes a long time ali65 to stabilize ourselves from loss. I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad and your Mom’s health issues. Does the facility you are trying to get your Mom in have a social worker? If so contact them and they can guide you. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly to a cardiac arrest 18.5 months ago. I found in person grief meetings that only met twice a month but it was a good start. I got a therapist there also. It was Visiting Nurses then but it is Stillwater Hospice now. I’m still seeing my therapist. Bottom line is you have to take care of yourself. Being a caregiver is very stressful especially while grieving. Make sure to do the basics like eating healthy meals take your vitamins and meds try to sleep and get outside when you can and exercise. Google 6 Needs of the Mourner and it offers a basic guide to our grief journey. Watch the YouTube program “Speaking Grief” also. This the hardest work we are ever going to do. I’m active on the loss of spouse thread. The holidays are very stressful. After Cheryl transitioned I was having daily balling jags. But that is good to get out the grief. I thought it was bad but the grief has to bubble up and out from us. I maxed out my antidepressants and tried every sleep med there was. I thought I was having a breakdown and went to my doctor. The doctor assured me what I was experiencing was normal but if it continued for a year he would address it. Because of the stress I had a biochemical reoccurrence. Grief is toxic. My life has improved and yours will too. We have to develop a warrior mindset. We are constantly taking physical and emotional pain but we keep trying. Be very gentle and compassionate with yourself ali65. Gary
Gary -- your response was so very thoughtful. Thank you for taking & making the time to reach back out to me. Im grateful. The grief resources you suggested are good & ive started to look onto them. Trying to eat better. In therapy. On anti-depressants. Ive just located a weekly virtual Dementia Categivers support group( ), but haven't started yet. Doesn't feel like enough to contain me. Also, im not near my home & cant leave, at least until mom is settled. Displaced in so many ways - emotionally, psychologically. No family around. I also gave a sister who, while smart, is very mentally ill and creating all sorts of unpredictable and intense challenges. In from our if town, she is staying with me in mor :mom's apt and woll not leave. She, honestly, is the biggest obstacle in the way of canring for mom, which is so impacting things from moving forward, slow as it may be. Unfortunately, she's not aware of, nor can she accept the difficulty she is causing, so she gets & wants no mental health help, as she wreaks havoc on an already terrible situation. She will not leave. Please keep the support & encouragement coming. I need it desperately as i trudge heavily thru this. Once mom is settled , i may find some space. Again, thank you.
Ali65 I read your message several hours ago and I have been sending you positive thoughts and energy. I’m glad you are taking care of yourself. Does your sister comprehend you are your Mom’s power of attorney and you are the boss? I understand how stressful and powerless you feel. Don’t worry about expressing yourself to the sister. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Just try not to say it mean. Are you open to a guided meditation? I listen to Kalpavriksha meditation by Sadhguru. It is 32 minutes. It’s very intense but empowering. Google Kristin Neff Self Compassion audios. They’re free. Do the 5 minute at the bottom first. Offer yourself some self compassion. If you feel up to it there is a 20 minute one you could listen to that might help you deal with the sister. You are in a very stressful situation now but soon you will see light on the other side. Be very gentle and compassionate with yourself Ali65. You are a warrior. Gary
I read your reply and yes, the stressful situation I'm in with my sister is beyond overwhelming. She doesn't care about POA --the emotional abuse never ceases and is too intense to describe. Walking thru a minefield. Will try Neff meditations. Youre right that the other is too intense. Literally im at one breath at a time. Feel like there's no out
You are not alone in feeling bad Ali65. A lot of people on the loss of spouse thread are suffering now. I wouldn’t say I’m on a winning streak either. I have learned to function with mild depression while trying to stay positive with so much uncertainty. People on this site hang with each other by just being with each other. I hear you and so do others here. Most times that’s all we can offer each other. These are the darkest days of the year but daylight is increasing. I have a labyrinth in my yard and I will walk right now and send you a prayer of hope. Gary
Labyrinthlocator.com has 82 labyrinths in NJ. Wishing you peace also Ali65. We must do our best to keep on trucking. We are worth it. Gary
Ali65, your story sounds so much like my story. I lost my brother in July 2019, my dad in Oct 2020 and my mom in Nov 2020, my sister in May 2021, my cousin and her husband in Oct 2021 and several coworkers in 2021 as well. I just recently lost my best companion, my loyal and beautiful dog in July of this year and then I lost my job. I am really struggling with how to keep my eyes open and still try and stay engaged in life. I know a year has passed since you wrote this note, I hope time has helped to dull the very sharp edges, though I don't know how long it will take you to get there. My parents deaths were not surprising, but definitely didn't expect them within 4 weeks of each other. I have voice mails from both of them and when I get really sad, I listen to them tell me they love me. Just the other day after doing an update on my phone, all of my voice mails were gone. I was completely at a a loss, I was frantic not knowing if I could recover them. I was out of control, crying and swirling like a tornado and SO ANGRY. I eventually did get them all back, but I had hit a major wall on that one. Those are my ONLY connection to them before they were gone (still have younger brother's voice mail from 2017... and sister from 2021). I don't know what to do to overcome the huge losses I have. Please tell me that you are healing, I will find solace in that as well. Be well, be loved. ~Dianna
