I'm finding that this grief journey is getting more and more difficult. I spent most of last night crying. Today I went to the grocery store to pick up some vegetables and fruit. I made it through the door, and to my right, although Halloween is over two months away, there were several large Halloween displays, filled with candy. As soon as I saw this, tears began streaming down my face. I had to leave the store before I even made it to the produce department. It brought back too many happy memories of when our children were small, and we used to take them trick or treating in our neighborhood. The fall, it was such a beautiful season, the leaves changing color, the sounds of leaves crunching underfoot, taking our children apple picking..., taking them to find the perfect pumpkin... , getting that perfect picture of them sitting in the pumpkin patch..., huge smiles on their faces..., decorating our house..., sitting around the fireplace at night..., it was so peaceful... everything was right in the world. I felt so lucky to be married to the love of my life, and to have been blessed with three healthy children. My husband and I met each other in the fall. I always loved the fall, although it is too cold to swim in the ocean, it's such a beautiful time of year, not too hot, not too cold, the vibrant colored leaves on the trees... the delicious fall foods, baked apples, apple fritters, hot apple cider, pumpkin pies, pumpkin bread, butternut squash, etc, etc., etc. ... We got married in the fall, spent our first date hiking in the mountains in the fall, our first weekend getaway in the fall, on a small island, near "home", not too far from where we met. If I wasn't crying so much, I would write more. I have to stop for now... way too many, very special, treasured memories... popping in and out of my mind. I need that "off switch" for my brain. I need to rest. I'm tired of crying, feeling emotionally and physically spent, totally worn out. I watched a Tom Zuber video last night. He had me in tears. In order to "grow around our grief," as Mary0128 said, in a recent response to a thread Cjpines started, Tom Zuber said we need to keep the good memories of our spouses alive, we need to tell them to everyone who will listen, and repeat them as often as we feel like repeating them. He said we need to talk about the bad memories too, the same way that we need to talk about the good memories, but for an entirely different reason. We need to talk about the bad memories so that in time, they will lose their power over us. I'm not going to try to explain this now. I'm not sure I'll get it right. I was way too frazzled to remember things clearly last night. I'm looking forward to getting the book that Lou recommended to all of us. I will try to remember to update this after I read the book. If you've made it this far, thank you for "listening." I'm trying so hard to do everything I can to move forward in my grief journey. As painful as it is for me to do this, I need to "talk" about my husband with all of you, with people who understand what I mean when I say I feel like my heart has been torn in half. Sending hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.