Memories...

I'm finding that this grief journey is getting more and more difficult. I spent most of last night crying. Today I went to the grocery store to pick up some vegetables and fruit. I made it through the door, and to my right, although Halloween is over two months away, there were several large Halloween displays, filled with candy. As soon as I saw this, tears began streaming down my face. I had to leave the store before I even made it to the produce department. It brought back too many happy memories of when our children were small, and we used to take them trick or treating in our neighborhood. The fall, it was such a beautiful season, the leaves changing color, the sounds of leaves crunching underfoot, taking our children apple picking..., taking them to find the perfect pumpkin... , getting that perfect picture of them sitting in the pumpkin patch..., huge smiles on their faces..., decorating our house..., sitting around the fireplace at night..., it was so peaceful... everything was right in the world. I felt so lucky to be married to the love of my life, and to have been blessed with three healthy children.

My husband and I met each other in the fall. I always loved the fall, although it is too cold to swim in the ocean, it's such a beautiful time of year, not too hot, not too cold, the vibrant colored leaves on the trees... the delicious fall foods, baked apples, apple fritters, hot apple cider, pumpkin pies, pumpkin bread, butternut squash, etc, etc., etc. ... We got married in the fall, spent our first date hiking in the mountains in the fall, our first weekend getaway in the fall, on a small island, near "home", not too far from where we met.

If I wasn't crying so much, I would write more. I have to stop for now... way too many, very special, treasured memories... popping in and out of my mind. I need that "off switch" for my brain. I need to rest. I'm tired of crying, feeling emotionally and physically spent, totally worn out.

I watched a Tom Zuber video last night. He had me in tears. In order to "grow around our grief," as Mary0128 said, in a recent response to a thread Cjpines started, Tom Zuber said we need to keep the good memories of our spouses alive, we need to tell them to everyone who will listen, and repeat them as often as we feel like repeating them. He said we need to talk about the bad memories too, the same way that we need to talk about the good memories, but for an entirely different reason. We need to talk about the bad memories so that in time, they will lose their power over us. I'm not going to try to explain this now. I'm not sure I'll get it right. I was way too frazzled to remember things clearly last night. I'm looking forward to getting the book that Lou recommended to all of us. I will try to remember to update this after I read the book.

If you've made it this far, thank you for "listening." I'm trying so hard to do everything I can to move forward in my grief journey. As painful as it is for me to do this, I need to "talk" about my husband with all of you, with people who understand what I mean when I say I feel like my heart has been torn in half.

Sending hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

GOSH, I SO ADMIRE YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO SHARE YOUR MEMORIES SO SOON AFTER YOUR HUSBANDS DEATH. ITS BEEN 9 MONTHS FOR ME AND I STILL CANT TALK ABOUT MEMORIES. I THINK ABOUT THEM, BUT CANT SHARE WITHOUT BREAKING DOWN.

I LOVED READING ABOUT YOUR FALL MEMORIES, YOU HAD A GOOD LIFE AND HOPEFULLY THE MEMORIES WILL BRING A SMILE WITHOUT PAIN AND SORROW IN TIME.

I BOUGHT THE BOOK LOU SUGGESTED, PERMISSION TO MOURN BY TOM ZUBER. I READ IT AT 2AM IN THE MORNING. I NEED TO RE-READ IT AGAIN DURING BETTER TIMES. I DONT HAVE A COMMENT TO SHARE YET, MUST RE-READ. I WOULD BE INTERESTED TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS.

I HAVE STARTED A GRATITUDE LIST AS ONE OF THE THINGS HE SUGGEST, BUT THE WORDS FEEL EMPTY, NO FEELING FOR MY THOUGHTS.

ARE YOUR CHILDREN NEAR BY? DO YOU SEE THEM OFTEN? MY DAUGHTER LIVES ACROSS THE STREET AND SAVES ME FROM MENTAL DESTRUCTION.

I WISH I COULD SAY 9 MONTHS IS BETTER, MAYBE FOR SOME PEOPLE. BUT BECAUSE I'VE BEEN A PERSON ALL MY LIFE THAT CANT LET GO I WILL HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS IN MY TIME.

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR MEMORIES, KAREN

 

Deb,
I’m right there with you. Totally get and understand what happened in the store. I’ve been there and gone through that too. It’s so hard, having those special memories and the person they were made with is gone. Ron and I went every Friday night to get a bite to eat and go shopping. Most Friday's we went in Walmart. The first time I went in after he passed I thought I was going to pass out. So many memories, so much time spent there together. We had been in there the day before he passed. Christmas decorations in Walmart are what gets me going. They were all on display when we went in that last time and we roamed around looking at them. Christmas is a huge deal at our home and for many people I know. Now I shut down at seeing the decorations. Especially in Walmart. It will be 3 years since Ron passed in November. I’ll share that memories do start to make you smile eventually. With tears too, it’s a strange feeling. Happy memories with sad mixed in. I’m thankful that first time going in Walmart I had both my kids with me and my son in law to help me through. I’ve learned that talking of and about who you’ve lost is the best therapy. I know family and friends think they shouldn’t talk about them. But that’s so far from the truth. Holding it all in is not the way to go.
Just know that one day you’ll be able to smile at memories and share with less tears. I miss my wonderful husband and life every minute of every day. But I do feel stronger. We’re all different in how we grieve and what affects us the most and what helps us the most. We’re all here for each other. Keep sharing.
Karen, you’ll be able share one day. Don’t lose hope. Our spouses are who helped make the person we are today. They’re in our hearts to stay.
Sending out hugs! Robin

 

Karen,

As soon as I started this thread, I began crying. Even after I logged off of this site, I couldn't stop the tears. More and more memories invaded my brain... Unable to stop them, I just kept crying... Although I've known for a long time my husband is never coming back, at that moment, when I couldn't stop the tears, it truly dawned on me, that as long as I'm on this earth, we will never be together again. Reality hit me hard, harder than it's ever hit. The path through my grief journey is becoming more rocky, more difficult to travel. I'm becoming more sad, the more time that passes...

I'm so glad that your daughter lives across the street from you. It's wonderful that you have her to lean on, to help you through this miserable, dark, seemingly endless journey. Unfortunately, my children live very far away from me. My oldest, lives outside of the United States. My children lead very fulfilling and interesting lives. Although they miss their father very much, they've moved on. I can't. I wish I lived closer to at least one of them, but right now this isn't possible. I know I need to wait until I'm able to think clearly before making any major decisions.

Thank you for sharing that you enjoyed reading about some of my favorite memories. No matter how painful it is for me to write about them, I know I need to do this. I need to keep my husband's memory alive. I hope you're right, that with time, I'll be able to smile... maybe even laugh... when I remember the life I used to share with my husband.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

Christmas was always very special for us too. Every year I bought an ornament for each of my children, and one for my husband too. For the short time when Hallmark had ornaments that you could purchase and have personalized, I bought a personalized ornament for everyone. I plan on giving these to my children one day. I have ornaments with pictures of them taken when they were born, school bus ornaments with pictures of them in the bus, taken on the first day of school, etc., etc., etc., One of my very favorite ornaments is has a picture of the first Christmas when my youngest, my daughter was born. My oldest was three, my middle one was two and my daughter was five months old when this was taken. My mother in law made my sons matching sweaters, and I picked out a beautiful dress with a matching hair ribbon for my daughter to wear. My oldest had to have his favorite stuffed bear, "Teddy" in the picture, my middle child had to have his favorite stuffed monkey, "George" in the picture. I need to stop here. Those tears are flowing again...

Thank you for sharing that eventually I'll be able to smile again, even though there will be tears too. I bet it is a strange feeling, to smile and cry at the same time, one I can't imagine yet. Thank you for encouraging me to keep sharing with all of you. It does help, as you said, "knowing that we're all here for each other." I love what you said, that our spouses helped make us the people we are today. They'll always be with us. I can't imagine it any other way.

Sending you hugs too, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb,
Thank you for sharing some of your special Christmas memories. That ornament sounds so special and has so many wonderful memories. I totally understand your thoughts on maybe not having a tree this year. It is very hard. My first Christmas without Ron was only 4 weeks after he passed. I can’t even put into words how awful it felt. But my daughter was coming over like usual and my son came from Florida. I felt I needed to put a tree up for them. I only put on Ron’s favorite family ornaments. Like you, we have a lot that are pictures. And he was a big fan of Star Trek, and he collected Star Trek Hallmark ornaments. So it was decorated in Star Trek and family ornaments. It was to show our love and to honor him in the best way we could. It was difficult to do and to get through. So many tears. But I’m glad I pushed through.
Today my daughter took my to a beach concert, the band played so many of our favorite songs. I could picture Ron singing them and it brought a smile, I could see him feeling so happy. But it was also sad. Smile and tears.
Ron is my inspiration for everything I do. I still want him to be proud I’m his wife. That’s how I keep going.
There will be better days ahead, keep working towards them.
Robin

 

Robin,

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you to get through that first Christmas without Ron, especially since it had only been a month since he had passed away. You are a very strong person to have been able to put up and decorate a tree. I love the way you chose to show your love for Ron, to honor him, by decorating the tree, with only is favorite family ornaments, and his Hallmark Star Trek collection. It is so beautiful..., so touching... It's (almost) like he was there, with you, and your children...

I appreciate you sharing that although it was way beyond difficult, you're glad that you celebrated that first Christmas without Ron. I know this would have made him very proud of you. I'm not sure I'm as strong as you are, but I hope I can find a way to make my husband proud of me this holiday season too.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

P.S. My husband was a Star Trek fan too.
.

 

DEB, ON ONE OF YOUR POSTS YOU MENTIONED VOLUNTEERING AT AN ANIMAL SHELTER. IS IT HELPING TO GET YOU OUT OF WHERE YOU ARE-- IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT? AFTER MY SHOULDER HEALS I MAY LOOK INTO THAT. A COUPLE OF YEARS BACK I ALMOST VOLUNTEERED, BUT THEY WANTED SOMEONE TO CLEAN 75 LITTER BOXES. THAT IS THE ONE THING I HATE DOING MY FOR CATS. DID I VOLUNTEER? NOPE.

 

Wow Deb,
It’s a small world. Wives of Star Trek fans! I’m not sure why but Ron would have many conversations with me about if he went first. He told me if he’s gone he’s ok, and not to stop living. Not to waste time worrying. And to enjoy life. We’ll be together again one day. It’s so very hard to think that way. I told him I doubt I’m strong enough to do as he asks but I’d certainly try. We told each other to move on and enjoy life. As you know that’s seriously hard. I’ve made a memorial garden for him and feed the birds like he did. Many things that makes me feel close to him and to honor him. I did the tree because he would want us to, bought it maybe 4 days before Christmas. Because I was not sure. My kids did most of the decorating. I chose the ornaments. In the end I think I made the right choice. I find that keeping things as close to what we always did together helps me a lot. My birthday is coming up I’m struggling with that. My daughter is taking a few days off work and we’ll stay busy.
My son surprised me he flew in from Florida to help his mother in law move and I didn’t know he was coming. That was a special surprise. We had a few meals together before he flew back home. And he gave me the best bear hug before he left. Those are the moments I live for now. And he handed me my birthday gift for the first time in years.
All the best to you and remember baby steps.
❤️ Robin

 

Robin.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and what is helping you live life as best as you can without the love of your life with you. I know Ron would be so very, very proud of you!

I think about the things that help you, you trying to keep things as similar to the way they were when Ron and you were together. I think your way of dealing with this total heartbreak is so beautiful... You give me hope that in time, my life will get better too, never the same, always those tears mixed in with smiles as you would say, different, but better. I hope I'm strong enough to put up a tree because I know that it would make my husband happy, just like it would make Ron happy. I want my husband to be proud of me too, but at this moment, I don't think I'm strong enough to put one up.

I love that your son surprised you with an unexpected visit. It must have felt so good to be able to enjoy a few meals together, and have him be able to give you your birthday gift in person. I'm so glad that your daughter is taking a few days off to spend your birthday with you. (I know how difficult it is having a birthday without my husband. He died the month before mine.) I hope your birthday will be filled with many more happy moments than sad ones...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

I was told that I would be feeding the kittens and cats, helping to socialize them, and maybe doing a few loads of wash. Nothing could be further from the truth except for the feeding part. I ended up helping people who were getting paid to mop floors, do laundry, wash dishes, clean litter boxes, sterilize the cages in the isolation room, sweep the porches, etc, etc., etc., I was totally fried when I got home, total understatement. If the kennel manager explained what I was really going to be doing, I wouldn't have offered to help. She didn't even thank me. I tried calling her three times last week. She didn't return my calls. I ended up telling the person who answered the phone to tell her I wasn't returning. She asked me if I wanted to help out in another way. I was polite when I said no, but I felt like hanging up on her.

Today I stopped by a different shelter. I'm going to meet with the kennel manager hopefully sometime this week. I can choose the type of volunteer work I want to do. When I mentioned that I wanted to be one of the dog walkers, the person I spoke to was so grateful, she said they can always use another dog walker. All volunteers who work directly with the dogs are required to take a class taught by a dog trainer who not only works at this shelter, but also trains service dogs. I hope there is a class beginning soon. I love dogs and I'm hoping this is going to be a perfect volunteer opportunity for me. I forgot to mention that the dog walkers also help teach basic commands. Backing up a bit, at least I enjoyed feeding the kittens and cats. I wish I had been able to play with them, give them some TLC, but there wasn't enough time.

To answer your question, while it wasn't an enjoyable experience, I didn't have any time to think about anything but what I was doing. It was like having that "off switch" for my brain. That is, until I got home and reality hit. I couldn't share my experience with my husband. As usual, I couldn't stop the tears...

Once I start volunteering again, I'll let you know if it helps.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace. DEB

 

You’re welcome. That’s what I feel works best for me. Keeping things as close to what we did as possible. That’s what I’m most comfortable with. It feels like Rons closer when I keep things as close as possible. Using his tools or searching for them is very emotional but I can feel him guiding me.
My days with my daughter have been good for me. But I’m forever saying, if Dad was here... I’m sure he’s happy I have our daughter helping me through. And that our son surprised me. Today we walked around an aquarium and it was so nice but also reminiscent of visiting with Ron. Tomorrow will be difficult for sure but my daughter plans to help keep me busy but also remember my birthdays with Ron spoiling me.
This new life is hard, but things get a little easier with time. You won’t even notice it, it happens so slowly. Then one day you’ll realize you’re crying less or you’re able to smile about a special memory. You can talk about him and not cry the while time. It’ll happen. It’s a slow long process, and I’m still navigating this new life that I don’t want. But things do become easier. Your husband is proud of you I’m sure of it and he wants you to live life.
Take care, Robin

 

Robin,

Although I know tomorrow will be a difficult day for you, I hope you have lots more happy moments than sad ones... more smiles, than smiles mixed with tears... But even if all them are happy mixed with sad, I know Ron would be so proud of you..., so happy..., knowing that you're celebrating your special day, enjoying life the best that you possibly can... Wishing you a Happy Birthday!

The last sentence you wrote made me cry, but only in a good way. Thank you for saying this. I try so hard, but I miss my husband more and more with each passing day. I think about how far you've come, and it gives me some comfort. Life will get better. I have to believe this. Thanks again for sharing.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you so much Deb, thank you for your birthday wishes. It’s already been difficult. Missing him extra today. But you saying that some things I’ve shared have helped you, that means the world to me. We all need to keep hope in our hearts and minds.
Ron is my inspiration for everything I do. Keeps me going and pushing forward. Without that I don’t know where I’d be.
My daughter and I will be out enjoying nature and and trying to have a calm day that I’ll look back on and have nice memories.
I believe life will get better for each of us in our own time. ❤️Robin

 

Robin,

I've been thinking about you... How was your birthday? I'm thinking there were smiles mixed in with tears, but overall, hope you enjoyed your special day, and now have some nice memories.

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Deb,
My birthday started out with lots of tears. Questions, how can this be true, was the main one. Missing him wishing me a happy birthday the moment i woke up. Knowing how he’d spoil me from morning til night.
And then, I got myself moving, and got ready for my day with my daughter. We spent the day walking on the shore and going in the little shops. Had a wonderful lunch over looking the water. A very peaceful day, and yes some new memories. And reminiscing past birthdays. I even bought myself something, which I rarely do.
Thank you for thinking of me, special dates are hard to get through. My birthday and Labor Day are 2 difficult days for me.
❤️ Robin

 

Robin,

I'm so happy to hear, although you had a difficult start to the day, for the most part, you enjoyed your birthday. I love that you bought yourself something. Hearing you say this, made me smile.

I hope Labor Day turned out to be better than expected. Surprisingly, I had a good day yesterday, with the help of some sunshine, a walk, and a few "furry friends," I met along the way. However, today is starting out to be a difficult one. I hate this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions...

I hope your day is off to a good start...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Yes, this fall is going to be tough for me. It's our favorite season by far. The cooler weather, the leaves, corn maze, farmers markets, Halloween, our anniversary in 2 days *sigh*. We planted pumpkins this year too and got 6 (small but nice) ones. I harvested them right after she passed and they are sitting on the half flight of steps up to our small deck. I have since cleaned up the rest of the garden, which is kinda sad. We planted it together just a few months ago. And now it's mostly bare ground again.

 

3 days (oct 1)*...is there a way to edit posts that I am missing?