Lost Without My Mom, But Turning A Corner

i lost my mom on 6/22/18. she had a massive stroke on 6/3/18. after giving her a chance to heal in the hospital, we realized she wouldn’t come back to us in a meaningful way. so, per her wishes, we brought her home on hospice to pass at home. her dr’s thought she’d pass quickly after being taken off of the machines, but she stayed with us 8 days until she took her last breath. i was her hospice caregiver those 8 days. it destroyed me to have to be the one to be “strong enough” to help her pass. i was lucky enough, though, to have people around me who love me enough to tell me that i wasn’t healing in the following months. it broke their heart to see me so broken. i eventually found this forum to connect with others who had suffered as i had. grief in common helped me to know i wasn’t the only one who hurt as much as i had. i was able to start to grieve and heal because i knew i wasn’t alone in the pain. i found a way to heal and not feel so disconnected that worked for me.

i’m vietnamese. growing up, i never entirely embraced my heritage. my mom had taught me to cook our food, but i never celebrated it. i’ve since embraced my mom’s culinary teachings and my heritage. i found that, through cooking, i feel connect to my mom and my childhood memories and it’s helped me turn a corner in my grief. i honor and celebrate her in every vietnamese dish i cook. it’s the second lunar new year without her, but i’m not lost in my hurt and guilt this time around. this year, my family complimented my cooking and efforts to celebrate the lunar new year as she would’ve wanted. while i’ll never be who i was before losing her, i feel as whole as i can hope to without her here. i’ve done what i could to honor her through my cooking because i realized that cooking is my connection to her. as long as i can cook her dishes, i’ll be connected to her. i miss my mom so much, but through me learning her cooking, i can keep her with me and i can also help my family heal—one dish at a time.

 

This is heartbreaking to read, but also so beautiful! I lost my mother recently and I'm having a terrible time coping, but I have her recipe cards in my recipe binder in her handwriting, and I think I will do as you do and try to cook her dishes to connect with her. I don't know if you are still visiting this forum, but I hope you are doing okay.

 

Hospice says my mom should pass away in 2 days, I have to say it's causing me great anxiety! I'm trying to figure out how to navigate my new phase of life!

 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I had a lot of anxiety while my father was "actively dying," as they called the last 3 days of his life. I gave him medication to help him relax. It was unsettling to watch his breathing etc., but he was not conscious of anything, if that is of any comfort. You might request a doula if you are having a hard time sitting with her. We didn't get one (I read about it later), but they did send out a girl who served as a sitter, and I was able to sleep in the other room and get some rest. Praying for you.