Lost my wife 4/16/21 We were only 26!!

I have been sober since August 25,2020. My wife and I used together and eventually I couldn't take that life anymore so I left to go get better. 5 months later after several failed detoxes my wife decided to go to the same rehab I had just graduated from. We got to spend some time together. I got to make amends to her. We loved, hugged, kissed, held each other. She was so excited to get better. She wanted to so bad! She entered the program March 4th and left after Easter. I got the most devastating phone call a week later. She was gone. April 16th, 2021 my entire world flipped upside down. Imagine being here excelling in your recovery while your best friend, love of your life just lost their battle to it. The constant feeling unworthy of this life, survivors guilt, ptsd that I live with everyday. I tried therapy, medication for 8 months. Eventually the medication doctor gave up. We couldn't find anything to help my sleep, anxiety, panic attacks. The pain continues to get worse and it's really starting to interfere with my day to day life. My work life, home life, raising our daughter, my recovery is on the line although I am in contact with my sponsor daily sometimes even all day long, and my mental health. I live in a recovery house and my house mates are worried. I'm probably about to lose my job. Idk how much longer I can keep going on like this. I can't sleep I can't eat much. I'm so tired. Idk what to do.

 

Courtney,
Let me start with congratulations on your sobriety, it sounds like you are really working your program. I know that in no way means you aren’t really struggling. Grief is challenging for all of us and the circumstances of your loss sound so tough. I’m glad you shared that you were able to have some time together, to make amends and be close. It doesn’t change loss or regrets though, does it. Most of us have expressed regrets here, sometimes big ones others small as it is a typical part of grief.
There’s a good group of people here, we’ve all lost our partners under various circumstances. We’ve come at different times in our grief journeys but here are some other things we’ve found in common.
-Grief is exhausting. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally exhausting. No wonder you are tired.
-Therapy and medications can assist some people at different times. If that’s something you feel drawn to perhaps seeking out another therapist who specializes in grief. It’s a unique situation that all mental health folks aren’t trained in. (It’s something you are your daughter might both be able to access. If you haven’t already you might try reaching out to Karen, you’re in a complicated situation and she might be the best one to help you get started.)
-We don’t think we can do this, but we are doing it.
-There’s no way to know what is helpful, maybe reading our stories and thoughts will give you enough to get through the next moment, just knowing you aren’t alone and you don’t have to hide what you’re feeling.
~Bernadine

 

Courtneyshuler, my name is Karen although my nickname here is CJPines. That's where I used to live. I've read your post and it's very sad indeed. My husband died 1 yr and 4 months ago and I'm still devastated.
First, I'm not a full alcoholic, but I've had problems. I lost a son in 2019 then my husband who I was the sole caregiver for 8 months lead me to drink more because it got me out of my world for a brief moment and put me out to sleep. After my husband, Jack, died I was a mess. It was one very hot day and I was drinking with my daughter at 4pm. Came home and started drinking more and that's when I stood up and fell on my shoulder, broke it. I was in a sling for 3 months, couldn't dress myself, couldn't drive, I was nothing. I paid the price of drinking because I just wanted out of this life to be with Jack and didn't care.
That was the wake up call for me. Also, because I didn't care I didn't take care of my self -- health wise and now I'm paying the price, anemia for starters and heart murmur. Courtneyshuler, I hear you. You have to hang on somehow, anyway you can, and think of your daughter. She needs to know her Dad is okay. I'm living for my daughter because she loves me so much. Please keep on this site and vent, you can say anything here and no one judges. Karen

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are stronger than you think because you havnt gotten off the wagon through all you've gone through. Take a deep breath because you been through alot. You're going to have to take this road one day at a time. Allow your daughter to be your motivation to get through this. Express your feelings here as much as possible. Praying for your strength with each passing day.

 

Courtney I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your wife. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl 10 months ago. I am also a recovering alcoholic. Recovering from grief is worse than recovering from any other form of addiction. You and I have two support groups. We have an advantage. We can not do this alone. you are never alone here. Immediately after losing Cheryl my life was a complete blur. My side effects of grief were anxiety depression confusion and intense physical pain. I lost contact with three forths of my friends and family. I barely made it through each day. We all wonder how long we can keep going. but we do. Stumble forward is one of our battle cries. In a recovery home You’re in a position to help other people who are worse off than you. Notice when you do that how your thinking improves. We have to distract ourselves from grief and our addictions often to survive. Consider all the recovery tools you have. Use every one you can. Just do the best you can is all that matters. The feeling of belonging is paramount. We are warriors at GIC. You are a warrior too. You are one with us. We are united. We are The Grief Warriors. Gary