Lost my twin 2013, still grieving

I lost my twin brother in 2013, and I still can’t move on from it, I still have such survivors gilt, that I don’t think I should succeed in life because it isn’t fair to him that he didn’t get the chance too. He was on the edge of starting a company that he asked me to be a part of and he had a heart attack in his sleep. I never even got to say goodbye to him.
I just keep doing things to my life that are destructive to my life to keep me from succeeding and it’s not fair to my family.
I just can’t get out of this rut. And could use some advice from someone in a similar situation.

 

Losing a loved one brings unbearable pain to those left behind. There isn't an easy answer on dealing with such grief but I do know that you must force yourself to move on -- although it is very difficult. Your twin would not want you to do things that are destructive to your life. If you feel stuck in this rut perhaps it would help you to speak with a counselor or supportive family member on dealing with your grief and how to get past it .. not that you will every forget. Wishing you the best.

 

First I want to say that I don't think there's anything wrong with still grieving 6 years later. As controversial as it may seem to some, I don't think that grieving ends after 6 months or 1 year or after you've gone through all of the "stages", etc. I fully expect to grieve for my entire life. Because your life has changed. Your world has changed. Can we adapt and continue living our own lives? Yes. But should we "move on"? I don't think so. I get where that advice is coming from, but it's something that you'll always carry with you. Your grief will probably look different in the first year vs. 20 years on, but it's still grief. You get past first Christmases and first birthdays without them, but then it's each passing year that you get older and they don't; that they're not here for something; that they have been gone longer than they were alive.

It's not just his future that was lost, but the part of you who was a part of that future. I can imagine how hard that is, to not only lose your brother, your twin, but to have to reimagine what your future will be. It can be overwhelming. It really depends on what you believe and what your comfort level is, but can you talk to him? Or write a letter to him? That can really help when you didn't have a chance to say goodbye. He's not here anymore, but that doesn't mean that your relationship to him died too. You still have that connection. Talking to a counselor or supportive family member is a great idea too - I had never been to any kind of counseling before but I found it really helpful after my brother died. I went for a few months the year afterwards and then I went back around the anniversary the year after that. (I went to a free service, but it was still valuable to have those few months.) It's really helpful to be able to talk through it and could really help with working through your survivor's guilt. I'm sure that's really hard as a twin, but you couldn't have done anything to change what happened or take his place. You're just the one having to live without him.

Knowing that your brother wouldn't want you to hold yourself back and do things that are destructive can help, but sometimes hearing that "your brother wouldn't want you to be sad" made me think, "well my brother would be dealing with grief in his own way if it was me who died and not him, wouldn't he?" It really hurts to watch people you love in pain, and some of that can't be helped. You're allowed to be sad and to have bad days. But hopefully you're able to find ways of expressing that in a way that doesn't hurt yourself.

You have to find what works for you, but some things that have helped me: allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling and as much as it hurts, don't try to shove it down. If you're feeling anxious, find a productive way to get it out - go for a walk, do whatever kind of exercise feels good for you. Find something you can add to your day that reminds you of him and keeps that connection - listen to music he liked, TV shows or movies, find ways to say his name and share stories. Do something that you liked to do together if you feel ready for that - it can be hard, but can make you feel connected to him. Do something with your hands - build something, knitting was meditative for me, make something. Find something that can hopefully help replace some of that destructive behaviour.

It's easier said than done, but moving forward in your life doesn't mean moving on from your brother or leaving him behind. Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself space. It's been three years for me, and I have two other siblings apart from our brother. I think his death has impacted all of us in that we probably would have been doing different things right now if he hadn't died. Sometimes it's more about survival than striving for improvement and success. But it's really important that you still take care of yourself. Take what might work for you and leave the rest. The fact that you recognize you're hurting yourself and want to improve that is a great sign, because not everyone is so self-aware. I believe in you, that you can make better choices - not for your family or even for your brother, but for yourself. You matter.