Lost my mother to an overdose, struggling with my grief

Hi everyone.

I’m 33 years old. My mother, from whom I’d been estranged for a year and a half, passed away at age 61 from an overdose two weeks ago (she’d been smoking crack for the past few years but struggled with many different substances throughout her life).

I lost my first father at age 6 to a heart attack.
I lost my step-father at age 18 to a car accident.

Since I was so young, I don’t feel as though I ever properly processed the death of my fathers. So losing my mom honestly feels like my first loss of a parent.

I immediately went back to my home town when I heard the news and helped my sisters and brother cleaning out moms apartment, getting her accounts straightened out, and held a celebration of life for her.

When the busy-ness of life slows down for brief moments, I find myself very sleepy. When I sleep, I have vivid dreams where I’m processing so much. I wake up with realizations such as, understanding why she carried so much pain inside of her, how she didn’t mean to hurt and abandon each of her children several times throughout our lives. I feel guilt for cutting her out of my life for her drug issues and the way she treated me and my children. Logically I know I set healthy boundaries she wasn’t able to mind. But there’s still guilt.

I don’t even know where to go from here. Friends don’t understand. I hear things like “You’re lucky you had your mom until adulthood.” “It’s more painful when a parent dies slowly.” “You’re lucky your husband lets you rest.”

It’s all so bizarre and I don’t know how to get out of the brain fog so that I can have energy, be present for my kids, and complete my coursework for my own college courses.

 

Hi Natalie.

Even though I think that I had a very different connection to my parents, I can still understand your feelings - at least to a certain degree.
I understand how different each loss feels, I understand the guilt and I also understand feeling misunderstood.

I assume your friends are just overwhelmed themselves and try to cheer you up with their words, when in reality these statements are quite painful. Please be assured, that every amount of pain, however it may be shaped, is valid. No matter how much is going right in your life, it doesn't mean it makes your loss any easier.

And what I absolutly feel the most is what you describe as brain fog. Unfortunatly, I cannot provide any help with that, as it took me a few years until I understood, that the loss of my mother actually hurt me way deeper than I thought. The only advice I can give you, is to take it slow. If you can, don't stop your daily life. If you can't, take a break. Don't deny help if you feel like you need it.

All I can add is that it does get better. It doesn't go away, I won't lie about that. It will never be the same. But life is never the same after graduating or getting your first job or any experience. There's simply a new normal slowly growing. You'll get used to it. And you'll always keep her in your heart. The bad memories, but also the good ones. Her whole essence is what will forever be part of who life shaped you to be now.

And please never forget: Your grief is valid. No matter how much worse it could be, how much time might have passed or not passed. No matter what. It is okay to feel this grief.

 

Sorry about your losses I lost my Dad when I was 11 on a head on collision. And my Mother just condolences suddenly past recently to some odd type of super fast cancer that spread every where and instead of a year or 2 it was like a month. I almost blame myself and I also knw ther was some negligence with the care providers. But at least she didnt have to live in a long pro longed suffering. I lost my career job over this and i am having a hard time with figuring out funneral expenses, which im pretty much on my own on. But anyways I have some familly and friends that too have been effected by drugs and I just wanna say that without God, or me finding God, I wouldn't have made it this far. Anyways my deepest condolences for your Parents and your whole life situation. I just learned that grieving is a good thing & you can make it. If thers something I could be of assistance. I don't mind sharing or talking about it. Or what not. I believe in healing. But anyways I'm new to all this social media stuff so im going to have to get back to ya later. Take care God bless you, I will say a prayer for you.