Lost my mom to a crack overdose, she was 59

It has been almost 2 months and the pain gets worse by the day. After days of her car not leaving the house the neighbors used their emergency key and found her lifeless and decomposing. Days before her passing she had agreed to go to rehab and in exchange I’d pay her bills and mortgage. She seemed onboard. Then she went on a several day binge. She called me the day before her passing under the influence, I was upset. During the call I asked if she wanted to be here for her grandsons and if she wanted to live or die.

My mother battled addiction my entire life, she was a self proclaimed functioning addict. 4 years ago her brother died and 2 years ago her husband. I should have known she needed me emotionally, but she had gotten a boyfriend who isolated her from her loved ones.Our relationship was filled with ups and downs, but I loved her. The addiction forced me to create firm boundaries that she never enjoyed, but the addiction caused me so much pain that I had to. I didn’t want me two young kids suffering the way I did. Coming from a family of enablers, I held my mom accountable thinking maybe one day she’d stop living the double life. I was wrong, I now know that it was truly her choice and there’s no amount of love or forced accountability that could change that.

I am an only child and I feel so alone. It’s only after her passing that I realize how bad I treated her and how strong and brave she actually was. First 3 weeks, I did what I do best: make things happen. Now that that’s done all I have is unavoidable emotion of missing her. I know she’s in a better place, but I’m so hurt. Moving forward feels to much like moving on.