Lost my mom in May and I am struggling with my relationships

I lost my mom suddenly in May from complications of a heart attack. She was only 61 and I am only 26. I was numb for a long time and suddenly I am feeling a lot of emotions all of the time. I do not have friends around me that have gone through this before. I think my boyfriend is struggling with how to help me, and I am just not the same happy, joking person I was before. I can feel the strain this is putting on our relationship but I cant see how to improve things. I am in counseling. I am also back in my 4th year of veterinary school which is also very stressful. I don't want to overwhelm him, but I also do not want to lie about how I am feeling. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

I'm sorry for your loss. My mom passed in July, she was only 62. I did go through something very like this but I'm afraid I may have handled it very badly. I don't have friends who have grieved as hard as I am now, I was very close to my mother. My boyfriend didn't know how to support me emotionally and I began to notice all the problems in our relationship. We broke up this week, 6 weeks after her death and the double loss is much worse than my mother's death alone.

I'm suffering such intense insomnia now I only get one real night's sleep a week. I don't know whether intense grief accelerated what would happen naturally already or if it's extreme nature can break any relationship that is not a very strong and good one. I don't recommend what I did by any means it multiplies the original grief in a way that shouldn't be possible. On the other hand this may go the other way and bring you two closer together.

I think talking to each other and trying to stay on the same page is crucial. If you end up trying to spare him too much you won't get your emotional needs met and that could be a serious threat to your relationship. Perhaps if your boyfriend were to educate himself on grief, there are many good books on the subject now, he would find a better idea how to support you. You are grieving and it is not reasonable to ask you to educate him on how it works. I wish my boyfriend had done that, it may have made all the difference. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Hi River, I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand your insomnia too. I actually had to work with my doctor and try a couple different medications in order to get some sleep. I had to start school again and the insomnia was too much to handle for me. I definitely feel like my grief compounds on certain days. For me there is not a certain trigger I can identify but it just comes in waves.

I definitely do not want our relationship to end. He lost his mom when he was a preteen, so on some level he does understand it. I am 26 now and so there are some differences too based on us having different relationships with our moms and being in different life stages. His step mom actually gave me some great books that helped when her mom passed. I think just now life is happening again for everyone and everyone else is actively moving on around me. He supports me, but I can see work being a strain on him and that is really exhausting him now.

Now I see that he needs my support with that, and I am finding it hard for myself to get through a day, let alone support someone else. I am trying to do what I can, but I still feel like a fraction of the person I used to be.

 

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom about a month ago, and I also feel like I'm always stressed and my emotions are out of wack. Be honest with your boyfriend. Your friends and loved ones care about you and want to help you, but they don't know how. Your boyfriend wants to hear how you are feeling and how he can help you, so be clear when you want space, comfort, or anything else. He will understand that you're trying to cope and have your needs met. Stay strong, remember you are never alone and you are cared for and loved.

 

Thanks Naomi. Things have gotten better with my boyfriend. I was able to open up and be honest with him and he was very receptive and just wants to help me as best he can. You stay strong too Naomi, I'm still taking it day by day.

 

I'm so glad to hear about your boyfriend, I'm proud of you for being honest with him, I know how hard that can be.

 

I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I lost my beloved Dad when he was 61 and I was 27. The resulting grief just about wrecked my life. I did not handle things very well at all.I dropped out of grad school and got divorced shortly after.
After about 2 years, I was able to find some joy again. Especially when you're so young, you don't have many/any people who know what you are managing. Even if you have someone to support you in your grief, when you're actually going through it, it's desperately hard.
Be patient with yourself. It's so difficult, but you want to be able to perform as you normally would, being a supportive partner for your boyfriend. You just can't give what you want to or used to be able to do. It will come back, I promise. You just have to let your strength return when it can, gradually. This is one thing that cannot be rushed.
Please take good careof yourself!