The pain comes unexpectedly still...like a sharp mental and emotional wound, overwhelming at times. I thought this part was over, I thought that sick feeling in my stomach and body had passed for good. Sometimes, lately the thoughts that swirl and replicate in my head keep me up nights. My mom is gone. I miss her tremendously, I love her, I loved her. I am seeing a counsleor for my grief. I haven’t really addressed the images and experiences that keep flashing in my mind the last 6 weeks of my mom’s life, when she was on home hospice, while I was the 24/7 caregiver. Her teeth falling out, her appetite ferocious at first and absent that last 4 days of her life, the day she asked me where I got the beautiful new green dress I as wearing (no dress, just pedestrian clothes that day)...my 85 year old dad and I working so hard to honor my mom because our love for her was as big as her’s for us. She wanted to be in the wheelchair and not in bed, we muscled through it all and transferred her to commmode and wheelchair up until 4 days before she passed. We wanted to honor her desire to be up with us you see....we know what she had been through for seven months after she broke her hip in August 2016. Seven months of skilled nursing facility neglect and life threatening illnesses that brought her to death’s door numerous times, seven months of over medication and 99% of that time flat on her back in bed...not much physical therapy or wheelchair, eventually a deadly allergic reaction left unnoticed for days, weeks, landing her in the ICU, intubated and fighting for her life. She made it out of that and did get home. Thank God. She got to spend 15 months at home before passing. In the end cancer got her, it metastasized to her brain and my dad and I had to break the news to her after a week long hospital stay with final diagnosis of lung cancer, they sent her home. We didn’t want to tell her in the hospital because she was experiencing “instructional delirium” which made her disoriented and confused. Once home, her mind sharp as ever would return. The day after she returned home from the hospital for the last time my dad and I told her the sad news that she had cancer and was going to die. We assured her we would be with her the entire time, she was safe with us, we would take goood care of her and we loved her so much. I was fortunate to cook some of my mom’s favorite recipes, in the process she taught me more about cooking. It was a treasure to see her enjoy meals she cooked for me when I was younger, recipes she made up and some that came from her mom. Her last 4 days were hard and sad. She was in bed, maybe unconscious? I played Chopin’s Nocturnes and read Psalm 23. Crushing up pills and sending them into her via liquid syringe. He last words were 3 days before passing, she called out my dad’s name two times, not in fear or need, just matter of fact simple communication...as if it could have been just another day.
Not sure how to correct a typo in my post, “instructional delirium” is supposed to be “institutional delirium” often occurring in older patients who stay in the hospital several days.
I’m sorry that sounded like a similar story of my moms passing although she became septic and passed in the icu in 7-17-18. My mother in law had cancer which was discovered in November and she passed in 1/17/19. A dear lifelong friend passed away from cancer on 2/08/19. I feel a lot of loss. I’m doing well with distraction but I still have awfully sad times. Wishing you the best.
