Hi. My partner died on May 2, 2024. She had been through a stroke in 2016, a heart attack and quintuple bypass in 2021, and then was diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS) in September. She was only 73, and full of life. The stroke only made her more loving and content. We knew each other my whole life, but were together for 27 years. She also was transgendered. So, when we fell in love, she was a male. We went through her transition together... we went through so much together. We were definitely each other's person, The last few weeks of her life, she stopped eating and just got weak. All the while, assuring me she would be fine, she would eat when she was ready. That never happened. I watched her waste away and die, just felt like she turned and walked away. My head knows she was only gonna get worse, and my guess is she consciously chose to leave, But my heart is in so much pain. It is like trying to breathe without lungs now. I thought I was doing ok, but I was busy training for a hiking trip that I chose to do as a way to help with grief. Once I got home, I was immediately struck with Covid and was home sick for 10 days. My grief consumed me then. So, I started looking for online help (I'm a big introvert). I found this site and hope to help myself through the worst nightmare I could imagine.
Hi tonyab67, I'm Michael. I've lived the nightmare you're living. My partner, Edward, began having small strokes and then his subsequent triple bypass; he was never the same after all that time on the bypass machines. I was never the same either. I took care of him at home the last handful of months. It took everything I was made with to do as good a job as I could. My only real question when I think back to that time is whether I let him vent his fears and woes the way I should have. I was so task oriented - feeding, bathing, sending of to dialysis - and hopeful. Hope blinded me like a summer sun. But it could've always been worse, eh. My Introversion and other mental health issues have compounded my healing, but I keep moving forward, like it or not. Now 19 months later, it's still a nightmare and I'm facing new losses in heart every day. I hope you find strength for this journey. Peace be with you. ~ Michael
Hi Michael- thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry we are both here. But I’m glad to make some connections. No one truly understands unless they have felt the same pain. Peace to you as well.
This is a long walk of grief and it is difficult. You really put your heart into taking care of Edward the best you could and it is easy to look back and see things we could have done. But we did the best we could at the time. We do not really adjust to losing someone we love so much. We just try to go on the best we can, and after awhile we find ourselves doing better thanks to the love, help, and grace of God. Of course, we never stop missing this person who has played such a large role in our lives. Your loss is so fresh. Give yourself time to grieve and accept that this has really happened to you. I understand what a struggle it is. I always thought that the nightmare didn't come when we went to sleep like most nightmares. The nightmare happens when we wake up in the daytime and have to face our great loss. I am glad you never let go of hope. It probably was what kept you going during your difficult circumstances. It is easy to look back and fault ourselves, but the God tells us if there be any good things, think on these things. I appreciate you. Chris
I believe you will be helped by connecting with people on this website. We all have lost someone we love very much and we, therfore, can understand the heaviness and pain this brings about in our lives. We care about you. Chris
Thank you Chris, your Faith is such a gift. At this point in my life God is foremost in all things. Every breath is a prayer - for someone, for something, for His Will to be done. Sending you love and hugs. ~Michael
Thank you and thak you for all the encouraging words you send to others. You are right-only God's prescence and will in our life can be truly satisfying.
Grief like ours can be sudden or it can be losing our partner bit by bit. It’s never easy, but there is always the possibility of healing. Please keep sharing and joining with others in this unpredictable journey. It’s always better to gather together and share our journey and our pain.
