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Lost my husband to Covid

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Marge0128, Nov 15, 2021.

  1. Marge0128

    Marge0128 Member

    I lost my husband to Covid 5 months ago, I’m still in shock he beat 2 cancers in the last 3 years and after all that he died of Covid! The pain is unbearable we were together every day 24/7 since he was retired 8 years ago. We have been married for 31 years he was my best friend the love of my life my strength every day. I’m sick over what happened to him. I have never been alone before, I hate it I miss him terribly can’t think about my tomorrow’s without him he was just ripped away from me. I cry all day night. I feel the best part of my life is over, what is life without him? Everyone says to keep busy distract myself I can’t my mind thinks of him how much I miss him what happens to him I’m to torturing myself over it I feel so sick inside! This is not my first experience with grief I lost my mom suddenly she dies in front of me while we were out to dinner she was my other half it took me 5 years to learn a new life and I had my husband by my side I lost both my parents and now my husband, losing my husband is all the pain I felt losing my mom ans then some. I cannot come to terms what happened to him why did he go through all this the last 3 years to die or Covid. How do I go on? Margaret
     
  2. Sara1234

    Sara1234 New Member

    Hi Margaret,
    I am sorry for your loss. Two months ago i lost my father suddenly. He was everything to me. He was next to me all my life. I just cant describe how much i miss him.
    To be honest i also dont know how to cope with that pain but i really like to believe that he is around me and he is watching over me.
    So far when i was feeling very down, he was coming to my dreams, which for me is really something.
    I dont know if it is my subconscious or there is really some energy or spirit. I would like to believe it is not the end and one day we will be together.
    Until then i am just trying to be strong for him and not to make him worried if he can sees me.
    I know your husband would definitely not like to see you sad.
    Try talking to him as he is here, share everything. Its a bit strange but it helps. Plus image really they can hear us, i think that would make them happy.

    Wish you all the best! I am sure you will find a way. There will be always this empty gap inside you but God gave us to deal with this grief so that is a sign that we are enough strong to handle it, even we dont feel that way now! And there is always a reason behind good and bad things happening to us! I am convinced!
     
  3. Marge0128

    Marge0128 Member

    Thank you Sara for sharing and for your supportive words. I also lost my mom suddenly she was my best friend like my other half with that pain I was on my knees she is gone 9 years now took me 5 years to learn and new life with my husband and now he’s gone he was my strength my best friend, I’m still also I’m shock this happened. I feel like I have been traumatized over and over. I don’t know if I have any faith any more or what I believe in. My life was good, fun happy and it’s been nothing but sad and painful. Both my parents are gone my dad went down hill after my mom and passed 2 years ago when my husband just got home from stem cell transplant. My whole life just got pulled out from me, how do I go on I am still torturing myself what happened to him. I don’t dream of my parents haven’t dreamed of my husband, I pray every night to my husband that he is the only that can help me through this. I am scared and feel so alone I can’t hear my life will be different yet again. My husband always said he was afraid to leave me because he knew I couldn’t handle it he texted everyone when he was in the hospital to take care of me I know ur right he wouldn’t want me to be in pain and sad all the time but I don’t know how I’m going to get through life without him. I wasn’t to talk to him like he’s still with me but it’s so painful to come to terms with all this. Thanks again for reaching out.
     
  4. Sara1234

    Sara1234 New Member

    Hi again! To be honest i dont know.
    I will tell you what happened to me. I am 29 years old, my father started having heart problems six years ago. Since then i was living in a fear that some day he will just drop on the floor and that would be the end. I was having dreams about that as well. Well eventually that what happened, just at the moment that I did not expect it at all. Even though there were many signs that this day will come soon. I even think my father knew or he could also feel it.
    There were time in his last month that he was saying: This will be the last time... Etc. Usually he never speaks like this. He was not eating a lot,not drinking water ( usually he was drinking water and eating a lot) he was sleeping more than usually he does and he was very distant from people. He was also forgetting things, and he was the most organized person i have ever met. All this and i couldn't see it coming, it was like i was blind.
    The previous day of his death he was complaining that he was having yhe worst stomach ache ever... And still it didn't sound a bell to me something was going on. And i was always the person to be concerned about his health and his we'll being... It was like something was keeping not seeing all those thins and not paying attention to them.
    We were living in the same house, it was mid night and just heard a very load noise. I went upstairs and i saw my father lying down on the floor and having foam coming out of his mouth.
    I tried to do everything to save him but he was just becoming more and more purple. The doctors told me that even if he was in hospital the chances of survival were 1%-4%... It was immediate death. I still dont know what happened i never asked for autopsy... He came to my dream on the second night and he told me what has caused his death... It was so strange.
    He was everything to me! He was my only parent, since i am not vlose to my mother! We were doing everything together, we were working at the same company, were going to vacation together and he was my best friend. It kills me that I wanted to say so many things and I don't have the chance, i own my life to him!
    After all this i decided to move to another country. We had this idea for a long time with my husband but after my father is gone i just decided its time to move forward, star a new beginning.
    I still dont know where i am... I have still the picture of my father lying on the floor, i still can't believe what happened, somehow i accept it but at the same time i cannot. I miss him terribly. I find myself sometimes staring at nothing and i feel nothing, i am definitely not the same person anymore but i have two small children, i have to continue somehow because of them. I know my father wouldn't want me to be in depression and not to be able to continue with my life that he basically gave me and did everything in order to be happy.
    He died 64 years old. I wish i could have at least several years more with him.

    I also wonder where is he now, what happens after we dies and so on. I read so many things, i went to see a medium so i can have some information...
    I just have to know... But even though there are so many stories about Afterlife we really don't know what's happening. The only thig i am aware of is that the death is not the end. There is some energy, its just nobody can explain it. And maybe we don't need to know it.
    I know my father will continue to help me and to guide me and i want to show him that i will be somehow fine because he gave me all the knowledge and experience about life and i dont want to make him worried that he left.
    Everyone has their time to be born and to die and i guess we cant change it.
    Your husband survived two cancers maybe because that was his destiny, he or somebody had to learn something from that situation and it was not his time then. Then came covid... Its terrible way to die but again maybe it was supposed to happen like that, I guess we dont really choose how to die.
    Even if you are thinking non stop about it you will never know, the same as me. Somebody chose that my father and you husband have to go. Maybe they have finished their mission here and they will guide us from somewhere else and one day will be again together, u hope so.
    I dont know what advice to give you, i dont know even how to give an advice to myself but i try, everyday i try... I would really suggest you if you have the opportunity to travel... Maybe somehow it will help you, i dont know.
    But you have to be strong! You really have to try! You still have to live your life! I even dont know how i am able to give advices now since i am in the same situation but i will never lose my faith and hope! At the end is what we have left i guess
     
    Van Gogh likes this.
  5. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

    My husband just passed 19 days ago, we were married 50 yrs and now I'm so alone!, this is the hardest time of my live, I can stop crying. My sisters tell me you are strong, they don't know how is to lost a parter that also was my best friend. We are mourning and no body knows the pain.
     
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  6. Marge0128

    Marge0128 Member

    I’m so sorry, no one really understands til they go through it e erroneous means well, but losing your partner in life is harder than I can ever imagine it to be. It’s your everyday it’s your future, I feel for me nothing or no one can fix this loss, you can be strong, you can distract yourself keep busy, the fact is for me my whole life changed in a second, my husband was my best friend we were together all the time and enjoyed being together, you now are not apart of many conversations because couples are planning their trips, their diners their days now that has changed, I have kids 29 & 31 but they have their own lives even though they suffered a huge loss it’s different for them they work they travel they have their friends, their every day hasn’t changed but ours has. I just want my life back and I know that can’t happen. I lost my mom 9 years ago we were together every day like sisters and that for me I thought was the worst pain took me years to make a baby step, losing your spouse and best friend partner in life is that pain and then some, one day your life is one way and the next that all goes out the window, I also don’t have not even a divorced friend it’s lonely for sure.
     
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  7. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Helena, I am so sorry loss of your Husband, only us that
    lost a partner, husband , wife , knows the pain and
    can understand. My name is Patti, my husband name
    is Jack. He had Parkinson’s 24 years.
    We were married 61 years.may I ask your
    Husband name?
    Finding GIC has been a blessing for me.
    Please look for the group Loss Of Spouse, it’s
    a very active group, very supportive for one
    another.
    I notice you are in SC, I am in upstate,SC.
    I will be keeping you in prayer.
    Sending, hugs, love and lifting you in prayers
    along with all others. Blessings, Patti
     
  8. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

    Hi Patti, thanks for your reply, my husband's name was Geoffrey. I talk to my relatives on line, they seem to understand but I know the pain is so intense that I don't know how to stay strong, the only thing that eases my pain for a while is when I meditate breathing in and exhaling out.
     
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  9. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Helena, do you know how to get to the group
    I mentioned to you? It is very active, the
    support from one another has been such
    a blessing for me and to one another,
    usually active at this time. I hope you
    can find the group, please ,let me know if you do.
    Please stay with GIC. Thank you for speaking
    your husband name Geoffrey,
    Helena, I took care of my husband 24-7 his last
    nine years, he had fallen due to PD and suffered
    brain injury, I thank God everyday in giving me HIS
    guidance and strength to do all for Jack. I know
    Jesus is carrying me through each day. I miss Jack
    and always will, I know Jack was a gift to me from God.
    Sending hugs, love and continued prayers for you
    and all others here. Blessings, Patti
     
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  10. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

    Patti, I haven't found the group you mentioned. I live in Oconee County. I was also a caregiver for my Geoff. In 2006 he got cancer, after many radiaton treatments, he survived until six years ago his health was starting to deteriorate again. We aisolated for two years because of covid. These last two years I took care of him 24/7 so he can be confortable and I always though that he never leave me alone. We were so close, he got a very good sense of humor, we laughed a lot and also exchanged ideas. I lost my best friend, my companion, half of me is gone. Thanks for sending your hugs
     
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  11. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Helena, I will ask someone in the group to tell you how to find it
    I am not good at explain it. I will be back. BIG HUGS, Patti
     
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  12. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Helena,

    At 3:45 a.m, tomorrow, it'll be ten months since my husband's Bob's death. He had many serious heath problems, all treated as chronic conditions, one of them was kidney cancer, that by the time it was correctly diagnosed, had spread into his vena cava, and lungs. After a very long operation (Bob almost died on the table), one of his kidney's was successfully removed. Once he had healed, lots of at home PT and OT, and regained back a bit of strength, he was given oral immunotherapy drugs that thankfully, he was able to take at home. Although there were side effects, they were managable and he was able to go back to work. We enjoyed life as fully as we possibly could, went out for dinner, took lots of day trips to nowhere, and went on vacations with two of our very best friends. Life wasn't that bad. By the end of 2017, he was getting tired much more easily, and was becoming weaker. I had to help with his ADL's, and he no longer could work. However, we were still able to enjoy life, and took advantage of the days, times when he was feeling the best.

    In the beginning of 2018, at the same time that we moved, his health began spiraling downward rapidly. The immunotherapy drugs no longer worked. I had to scramble to find new specialists for him, as he needed one for just about every body part. Very long story short, I became his full time caregiver, our weekly schedules were packed with medical appointments, infusions, scans, labs, PT, OT, ambulance rides, hospital stays, and at the end of his life, two stays in acute rehab facilities. There is so much more, but I have a very important appointment today, and I need to get ready for it, so have to stop here.

    I just want you to know how very sorry I am that your husband, Geoffrey has passed. I HATE!!! saying this, because to me, words sound so shallow at times, now being one of them. However, there aren't any words to describe what I really want to say to you, so I hope you know how truly sorry I am. I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry you had to. I have made many friends here who "get" it, the feeling like your heart has been torn in half..., the unbelievable pain..., all the loneliness,... etc, etc., etc. I don't know how I would get through this if it wasn't for my GIC friends. I hope you'll stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you. Please visit the loss of spouse section too. This is where you'll usually find us... We've become very close and are always ready to welcome new friends. BTW, Patti is a wonderful friend, and a great source of comfort to all of us.

    I better stop here!!! I have lots I have to do before my appointment.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
    Patti 61 likes this.
  13. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Helena, I see Bernadine and Lou are trying to direct you
    the thread in Loss Of Spouse, I hope you can connect there.
    It’s been so recent loss of your beloved Geoff, my heart feels
    and knows the pain you are going through. It’s good you
    found this site GIC, it took me
    THANKS DEB, I WAS JUST STARTING TO POST TO HELENA, GOT ALERT
    FOR YOUR POSTING TO HER. I REALLY HOPE SHE CAN FIND THE GROUP,
    TGW FAMILY HAS BEEN A BLESSING FOR ME.
    LOVE, HUGS, PRAYERS FOR ALL OF US , WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS
    TOGETHER. PATTI
     
    DEB321 likes this.
  14. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your support, I realized that is not only me that is grieving, we all are! I'm glad that I found TIC and the sincere ladies giving me some strengh to keep me going. While I'm writing I can't stop crying, his ashes came today, this is what is left from my beloved Geoff, just ashes! He had so much to do and now is just emptiness and memories.
     
  15. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Helena,
    When it was time and I went to pick up Kenn’s ashes I had the same thought. All that’s left of you is ground bones.
    I took the long way home, cried the whole way driving him one last time through the back roads, past the old house up the hill in the woods.
    I talk to the box every now and then, it’s quirky but I know something of him is in there. A resonance of him. ~Bernadine
     
    DEB321 likes this.
  16. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Helena,

    I'm so sorry... I wish I could wrap my arms around you, just give you the biggest hug... I remember that way beyond horrible feeling... my youngest son and I going to pick up Bob's ashes... I couldn't stop crying. I don't think I would have had the strength to pick up Bob's ashes if my son hadn't been with me. It's so wrong!!!, all of this is so wrong!!!, TU (total understatement).

    Please be as gentle with yourself as you possibly can. Cry as much as you need to. As much as it SUCKS!!!, allow yourself to feel the pain. Although it might not feel like it to you, you are healing. Tom Zuba talks about this in his two books, "Permission To Mourn, A New Way To Do Grief," and in "Becoming Radiant, A New Way To Do Life Following The Death Of A Beloved." Lou, one of my GIC friends, recommended Zuba's first book to all of us. IMHO, this book is one of the very best books I've read. I keep a copy of "Permission To Mourn," on my nightstand and refer to it often. It's a quick, easy to read book, but the information it provides is such a valuable resource. Zuba speaks from his heart, having not only survived, but managed to pick up the pieces of his shattered life, and from those pieces, build a new life, a fulfilling life, one filled with love, contentment, happiness, and peace.

    Lou also recommended another good book to us. The book is by Jonathan Santlofer, and is called, "The Widower's Notebook." Jonathan Santlofer's wife, Joy died. He describes in detail what life was life for him during the very darkest days of his life. There are many chapters in his book that I can relate to, that so many of us can relate to. It's a very sad book, one that Lou recommends you don't read before bed. I think this is very good advice.

    Stopping here, it's getting late and I want to make something for dinner.

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love too, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
  17. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Helena,
    At the top of the page there’s a bar with a list of options
    click on “Make A Connection”
    then select “See and Share Stories”
    Then Scroll down to the Discussion “Loss of a Spouse”
    You can reply to any of the threads (topics) and we’ll see it.
    The one at the top is where most of the group is probably hanging out…
    You can also start a new one if you would like.
    ~Bernadine
     
  18. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Bernadine,

    I talk to Bob all of the time... I don't think talking to the box containing Kenn's ashes is "quirky." You will always have a relationship with Kenn, just as I will always have a relationship with Bob. Kenn and Bob are watching over us. I find this over the top sad, but comforting, all at the same time.

    As always, sending you and Maggie Joy lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
    Countess Joy likes this.
  19. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

     
  20. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot for your books recommendation, I will try to get them as soon as possible and thank for the kind words of encouregement. Seems that is more difficult, almost impossible, not having anybody close to guide me in this painfull trip, so many unknown emotions that I'm finding and the only people they can relate in my grief are the widows like yourself.
     
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