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Lost my Dad

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by EAM, Feb 18, 2021.

  1. EAM

    EAM New Member

    Am a new member here. I lost my Dad 2 & a half years ago. I feel like I can't grieve. I had to support my Mum & children all whilst organising the funeral etc. I feel I went into autopilot mode & am still stuck in it. I can't cry, I feel guilty that I come across as hard & uncaring when there is nothing further from the truth.

    My Mum now lives with us. I miss my Dad so so much. I just can't grieve & deal with his lose. Am just stuck!! It hurts so much but I can't let my emotions go. Am I the only person who feels like this??
     
  2. Joielee

    Joielee New Member

    I actually feel like the exact opposite but I thought I’d reply anyway. I lost my father 9 years ago and we were extremely close, so his loss is devastating to me. I obviously function and have moved on but it’s the little things that get me.
    I too went into autopilot and handled everything for my mom and brother when my dad passed.I just hyper focused to be able to survive the first few months.
    I miss my dad beyond words and my mom will be moving in soon and I hide my crying from every one.

    There is no judgment on how we grieve , we all respond differently but my question for you is, do you feel like you hold back if the desire to cry arises? Could you sit down with your mum and discuss your feelings so she understands you are bot being cold?
    ~ Hoping it gets better~
     
  3. EAM

    EAM New Member

    Thanks for replying @Joielee am so sorry to hear of ur lose. I don't hold back from crying I would give anything to cry but tears won't come. Before I lost my Dad I cried at everything things on TV, movies, you could guarantee at a funeral I would be the sobbing yet at my own Dad's I couldn't cry. I lost several people since & haven't cried once.

    I was extremely close to my Dad. I saw him at least once everyday & spoke on the phone at least once if not more a day. I think that is why I am struggling with my reaction to losing him.

    I feel like someone has just stolen all my feelings & am empty inside. I know I have all this grief inside but can't let it out. Believe me it's not cause I don't want to I so want to let it out but I just can't. I find it so hard to explain. It's not cause am hiding it from my Mum but she is hard to talk to about emotions etc as she is old school and doesn't talk about things.

    I miss my Dad more than anything in my life. My Mum has always been an amazing Mum & still is but not in a maternal loving way. For example I tell my kids I love them several times a day, hug them randomly etc but my Mum has never been like that although I know she loves me so much.

    I am in my early 40's and in my mid 30's I started having spinal problems. Since 2014 I have had 19 spinal operations and my Dad was the one that was always there. He would make excuses to come round, really silly ones sometimes, but he was always there. If I was struggling & upset and called my Mum & Dad, the next thing my Dad would be round just to give me a hug and sit with me. My Mum would never come. She struggles with my health issues as I can't do a lot of things. As I said she is old school and their attitude is you just get on with things. I find myself wishing my Dad was here all the time & how things would be different. I NEVER wish that it was my Mum who was gone & my Dad still here I just think how things would be different if Dad was still here.

    For example I am finding things difficult with my husband at the moment & I think if Dad was still here this situation would never have happened cause I would have been able go talk to him about it & he would of fixed it.

    I find it so hard to explain. Am I finding it so hard to grieve because am angry he's not here. I just don't understand why I can't & it is all having a real impact on my now xx
     
  4. Joielee

    Joielee New Member

    Wow EAM it sounds like we had very similar relationships with dads. I’m definitely a daddy’s girl and sought him out for all advice. We spoke daily and he was the parent that showed me warm love. I agree, my mom loves me but she’s just not very warm. It’s tough for me to be fully vulnerable as I find that I take care of her emotionally now.
    I’m in my early 40’s too ,married but I don’t have kids. So I think my grief has spilled into doing anything possible for my mom. Same here, I’m having challenges with my husband and I long to talk to my dad about it. He was my “ go to” whenever I needed an ear. I realized after his passing what a gem I had in him.
    I too would never wish for my mom over my dad, it’s just a different relationship.
    I find that my dad gave me such a pure love that I’ve never experienced that again. I’m beyond grateful that he was my dad but the grieving process is definitely tricky at times.
    It’s tough when a supportive parent passes away. Does it ever make you question your sense of self? I do wonder what may be the emotional block that holds in your grief. I wonder if unconsciously if you grieved hard that it may overwhelm you. I’m just thinking out loud here.
    Well, I must get going and thanks again for your reply. J
     
  5. Cajun

    Cajun New Member

    I lost my father 9 years ago and I, like you, am stuck. Anything that happens in my life, the first thing I want to do is call my father. He is still is my phone, on my facebook, and on my mind daily. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you are able to get through it faster than I am. Sending prayers, Cajun
     
  6. skcochr

    skcochr New Member

    I lost my dad on May 29th, 2020. He had visited me in December, 2019 to meet my newborn baba and everything seemed fine. At the end of January he fell a few times and went to see the Doctor. He discovered he had a tumor in his brain which ended up being glioblastoma (stage 4 brain cancer). It took him so fast. He was himself and then he wasn't.

    My whole life I was obsessed with the afterlife and ghosts. He used to tell me "When I die, I am going to haunt you and if I don't you had better shut up about this ghost business." It used to make me laugh, and after he passed I was sure I would hear from him. There have definitely been small signs, but nothing like what I expected. It is making me question my faith, the afterlife, if I will ever see him again, etc. It makes me so sad. I miss him so much and constantly ask him to let me know he is still around. Not having an obvious sign is making me wonder what the point of life is. If there is nothing after this and we won't see those we love, what is the point?! Does anyone else have these feelings?