lost my childhood sweetheart, long time wife

I lost my wife and childhood sweetheart on December 2nd, just a month ago. We met 61 years ago in High School and were married in 1968.
For the last 2 + years she suffered with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. The staff at the Hematology Oncology Center
here near Syracuse called her the "Miracle Girl" because she lived longer than the 6 months to a year after the prognosis she was given. She was getting Immunotherapy every 3 weeks since Chemo ended.
I had prepared myself, or so I thought, for when the time came that she would pass, picturing myself in her presence hopefully holding her until she drew her last breath.
Ironically the night she died it was in the Hospital not from the Cancer but from massive internal bleeding.
She was taken the night before by ambulance with severe stomach pain.
That night there was heavy snow and at 79 I do not drive at night. Instead my son and daughter went there.
They told me not to worry, go to sleep and they would call me when they knew something.
I did thinking whatever it was I would see her in the morning. Around 2AM my Daughter told me the
terrible news of the bleed and that when told she needed a 6 hour operation that might save her life
she told me (over the phone) and my children and Doctor she had enough pain and such a poor quality
of life that she was ready to pass on.
She died at 4:27 that morning.
I never got to hold her, never got to say a proper good-bye.
Now 1 month later I am in Grief Therapy but I have such pain in my heart as well as such guilt of not
making it to the hospital.
The Holidays, the songs on the radio, the empty apartment when I come home from my
morning walk is killing me.
But I think the worst, and if anyone out there has considered it after their loved one past is this.
AS her sole caregiver thru all this, I think I became numb to the daily pain she suffered and though I
know I did the best I could, helping her shower, get dressed I still have this regret in addition to the
pain that I was not, on a day to day basis more patient with her.
Bottom line I hold on, like a drowning man to a life-preserver, to the fact she is finally pain-free and
back with all the Family and friends who have been waiting for her. And I will join her some day.
I will, with the help of my Son, Daughter and a few friends, to go on and thru sights like this, be
comforted by reading the stories already written here and the more i am sure that will follow.
Dennis

 

Yours is truly a heartbreaking story. I am sorry for your loss.
Keep reminding yourself over and over that you did the best you could for her. You were wise not to go out at night to drive when you knew you might have or cause an accident and hurt someone else.
If you think it would help, you could write her a proper goodbye.
I understand that you feel like you are drowning, but if you reach out to Jesus and get hold of His hand, He will lift you out of your disaster to go on. In the scriptures, Jesus was always reaching out to people and many times He bid them to come to Him. Jesus said He had come to bind up the brokenhearted. (Isaiah 61:1). He is the only one who can fix a broken heart-I know because He did it for me after the death of our 28 year old son due to suicide.
Take care.
We care about you,
Chris

 

Thank you so much Chris for your sage advice and your condolence. Writing a good-bye letter is a great idea.
Actually, I probably talk to her more now than ever. (I have her urn with a picture of us as a young couple) in the living room.
I say good morning when I wake, good night before I go to bed and every-time I go out and come home, although I know she sees everything I do, I tell her
where I went, who I saw and what I did. For my grief I zoom with a Counselor once a week and have signed up for a 13-week Grief seminar held
in one of the local churches here in Baldwinsville near Syracuse NY where I (have to get used to stop saying we) live.
In addition, I have purchased a few books to help me deal with what I am going thru. I will list them below on the chance you or someone you know might
have an interest in them:
After Caregiving Ends, A guide to Beginning Again by Denise Brown
A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis, arguably the most the most influential Christian writer of his day
Hello From Heaven by Bill & Judy Guggenheim
There is a reason I ordered the last book.
My wife slept in a separate bedroom, and I had a baby monitor by my side so I could hear her when she woke for the day or if she needed me during the night to help her to her bathroom. She could get by with a walker in the home but needed her wheelchair when we went out.
She always called out "Den".
Two weeks after her passing (December 2nd) I was awakened by her voice: HER VOICE the same inflection and tone I heard when she was alive, calling out "Den" coming from the direction of her room. She called to me twice, the second time a bit weaker than the first.
Two nights ago, around 11:30PM I was awakened once again by her calling strongly "Den". I went into her room, the same as I did the first time when I heard her
though logically I knew I would not find her there. I spoke to her urn and thanked her for letting me know I am not forgotten to her.
Chris, I have not been on this site long enough to know whether there is a thread for this type of experience or if there is a way this Post can be shown in any of the other threads as I would dearly love to share this experience with others who have also been contacted by their loved ones and also to let anyone on this wonderful and healing site know that whether it is a voice in the darkness, a bluebird on a tree, a favorite song of a loved one you hear as the first song when you turn on the radio (I have experienced this once also) your dearly departed is letting you know it is ok, they are in a better place.
Thanks again for your kind words
Dennis