Lost My Boyfriend And I'm struggling

My first love took his life about four months ago and I struggle everyday trying to remind myself that he loved me and would want me to keep going on. We'd bonded on our hopelessness and the trauma our families caused us. We were very different (in beliefs and how we coped) but we loved each other and helped each other when our lives got rough. He was a loner and was very firm on solving his issues alone, which would always start with a text on needing space to think but he'd always tell me what was on his mind after a few days. So I got used to showing him love when he seemed down and waiting for him to come to me when he was ready. I, on the other hand, am diagnosed with general anxiety and clinical depression and had countless panic attacks about my family in front of him. He was always great at calming me and the longer we dated I had less and less panic attacks just from being in his comforting presence.

We had just celebrated our one year which was a fancy celebration but the days following he was quiet and withdrawn. Nothing I said, did, or offered seemed to catch his interest and every time I asked what was wrong I was met with a short 'nothing'. There had been moments where he'd shake me off if I tried to cuddle or hug him. But on other days he seemed generally fine with bouts of quietness. My anxiety told me during the week following our anniversary that I had done something wrong nothing I was doing was making it better. The last day I spent with him was abnormally normal. We just played videogames before I had to meet up with a childhood friend. I remember whining to him that I wanted to cancel with her and spend the rest of the day with him but I didn't cancel with that friend. He walked me to my car, gave me a kiss and did our awfully long goodbye sequence.

The next day he canceled plans, said he needed the day to himself (which wasn't unusual). I went the whole day bored, reading books and texting him. I fell asleep wondering if he was okay, worried that something was wrong. I was at work when they called me. He'd hung himself not too far from his apartment and since he didn't talk to his family they wanted to meet up with me. Currently I live less than a mile from where he passed. I had already signed the lease and paid four months rent before he passed (thinking we'd live close to each other) and the pain is unbearable.

If anyone is reading this I want to know how you handle/handled the pain? Does it get easier trying to remember every reason that person loved you and trying to love yourself in those ways? I know you might not have all the answers but I write from the same lost place. How is any of this fair? He was only 23 and he was moving up quickly in his job. I know he probably needed more than I could have ever offered but how do you come to peace with that? As their partners we love them and spend countless hours together. How can we miss something as big as them needing us? And the worst part is everyone is moving on with their lives but I feel like I'm stuck in July. I'm stuck on the day I found out and I don't know how to move past that. I don't know how to get pass these questions, I talk to my therapist weekly but I still feel so isolated and alone. And the more I talk about how triggering this is for me or how hard it is to cope, it feels like all my friends are pulling away from me. What are things you've done to feel seen or feel better? I feel so lost.

 

I’m so sorry for your loss, my situation is very different from yours because I lost my only child ; however the pain is very real and very raw for us both. I loss my son January the 9th of this year and for me the pain is unbearable at times and I just can’t believe that he’s gone. People tell me that it’s going to get better but don’t see that ever happening. Please message if you ever just want to chat or have question. We’re all in the same situation and just trying to figure out how to deal with the grief.

 

I just read your post and am very sorry about your loss. It is extremely hard to move on, most times not even wanting to move on but just wishing everything was over. I couldn't understand why my son was gone and I was still here. We were very close and did so much together, just simple things. He got worse emotionally as time went on and I am sure he knew that no one on this earth was going to be able to help him. When I told my chiropractor of my loss he said, "Well he knew where to go. You taught him." I don't even think my chiropractor believes in God, but his words meant something to me. I still remember them. They were significant to me because I do not think this man has any connection to God, so I felt like it was a special message from God to comfort me. The grieving was exceedingly heavy and of long duration. I just kept thinking that only God could help me in this situation, but at the same time did not think I could continue even one more day because the pain was so great. This month I just heard a message entitled, "Gains and Losses" which helped me understand for the first time in 20 years what the scripture means that says that God can work all things together for good for those who love the Lord, according to His purpose. I never could figure out how in the world God could take something so tragic and horrendous and bring any good out of it. I had always thought about this in the sense of it helping someone else, and I have tried to be a support to anyone who has experienced a suicide of someone they love. But after hearing this message, I realized God did not only use my circumstance to help others, but He also used it to help me. If you think the message could be of any help to you, let me know and I will give you the website where I heard it.
I hope you are doing a little better since the last time we heard from you.
Please let us know how things are with you. We care about you.
Chris

 

Good morning, the holidays were very hard, it’s the first one without my son. I hope that you had a nice Christmas and that it wasn’t too painful for you. Please message me anytime. Have a good week.

Stacie

 

I a m glad to hear from you. Yes, the holidays always make things just a little harder, don't they? I hope you have a peaceful week. Let me know what you are doing.
Chris

 

I haven't checked this in a while but you both are right, the holidays were unbearable. Even Valentine's day was rough though I've never been one to celebrate. Currently I've been processing a lot of memories from when I found out he passed that I hadn't fully remembered/trying to come to terms that he's gone. I hope y'all are doing okay though, I hope the pain is lessening.

 

I am so glad to hear back from you. I understand about not celebrating some holidays because one 4th of July I got really upset and couldn't figure out why since we never did anything special. It seemed like a holiday that wouldn't stir any memories-and then I remembered that on one 4th of July our son was missing. We looked everywhere we could think of and then finally found him. I am sure that is what caused me to be troubled, even without knowing the cause of it at the time. Our loss was in 2000, so we have had a lot of time to accept that he is gone. Yes, the pain does get less as time goes on because not so many things trigger memories as they did in the beginning. So hang in there-it does get much better.

 

honestly not really the pain is still very hard and feels so new, like it just happened yesterday. I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling right now, but please know that you’re not alone. We are all still struggling and trying to take life day by day.

 

Thinking of you with love. You are in the very early stages of grief and, yes, it will feel like it just happened yesterday. It is so hard when everyone is ready to move on, but your own world has stopped. You are doing well trying to take life day by day. After what you have experienced, even that is a big accomplishment. May God give you the strength it takes to get through your tragedy.

 

I know it's been a while but I hope you all are managing. One thing that has been on my mind is the battle I see in people to push me to move on but to let me keep grieving. For example: my parents have been pushing for me to start dating again, same with some of my friends but I know they come from a good place. It's hard to explain to everyone that I still spend most nights and random times of the day sobbing about him. Especially as more and more people in my life begin to settle down. I feel like I'm suffocating in my own bubble while everyone is bustling by. Not sure how to manage it, not sure how you all are managing...

 

Good to hear from you. No one will be able to understand the depth of the loss and pain you are feeling. Life has pretty much stopped for you as others continue to move on. It is a very hard time. You have been through a very serious shock and trauma and your mind, heart, and soul need time to cope with all that you have been through. Be patient with yourself, even if others are not because they don't understand that this is not something that one just 'gets over'. This grieveing is a process that varies with each person and the closer you were to the person, the more difficult is the journey. Just try to keep moving on one day at a time. Any small steps you can take or any small thing you can accomplish is a great achievement. Others may not understand that, but we do. Everything in your life has changed and it will take time to adjust. You are a different person now than you were before. I am hoping for the best for you. Please stay in contact with us and let us know how you are getting along. We love and care about you and your welfare and God does too-He is your best resource. Chris

 

Hi dear,

I wanted to reach out. I lost my husband back in March to suicide. As you are probably going thru the same grief. Please whenever you need someone to talk to anytime. reach out! allinthistogethergrp@yahoo.com

 

I'm sorry that I haven't been on to reply but I'll def reach out if I need to. Thank you for the offer There are a lot of kind people on this site

 

I guess I came back to ask for more advice (sorry)! I don't know, I recently got in a relationship about a month ago but it's currently on the rocks. It shouldn't be a big deal that things aren't working out since we've only been dating for a month but a part of me feels like no matter how hard I try I can't support people or be what they need in a given time. I'm not sure how to handle this because I've been taking every mistake extremely hard and it feels almost as if I'm trying with no avail to be perfect or prove to myself that I wasn't why my ex passed. I admit I might've started this relationship too soon, but I'm not sure what to do moving forward. Do any of you have any advice/tips on how to grow in a positive manner?

 

My internet has been out all week and I just now got it back on.
I am sorry no one has responded to you on here in this amount of time.
I admire the fact that you are open to advice. Just be careful whose advice you take.

I want you to realize you do not need to prove yourself to anyone and , of course, none of us will ever be perfect or be able to be everything soomeone else needs-that is God's role and we can never fill it. They must look to Him for that.
This is not the time that you should have to worry about supporting anyone or being what they need. It is the other way around. You have experienced a horrific tragedy, and you need to be around positive, supporting people. It is too early to worry about being able to form a lasting relationship. It will take time for you to process what you have been through and find out what you really need and want in life.
To answer your question, one of the best ways to grow in a positive manner is to form a deep relationship with Jesus Christ and then to associate with positive, helpful people who are not looking to get something out of you, but want to be a blessing to you. it will probably be awhile before you actually are built up and have something to give to someone else in support. First look to find out who you are, what is important to you now after this experience, and what you now want in life.
We are here for you. Please stay in touch. We care about you.
Chris