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Lost Mom in 2018 and Dad, when I was 3 months. At 36, I need them...

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Noel Rodriguez, Nov 7, 2021.

  1. Noel Rodriguez

    Noel Rodriguez New Member

    In 2009, my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer and shortly thereafter began radiation treatment. After several years, the radiation treatment was never able to cause cancer to go into remission. In 2013, she was offered a new treatment that included time in a hyperbaric chamber. It was explained that this would increase oxygen saturation in a way that stimulated healing and for the most part worked as the cancer was forced into remission. We all rejoiced at this however my mother would ultimately succumb to the damaging effects of the radiation treatment. She passed away at 54 surrounded by friends and family. The day Mom passed away, I lost a huge part of me and my heart would never again beat the same way.

    When I was 18 years old, my Mom finally admitted the true cause of my father's death and explained that it differed from his death certificate which listed him as dying from natural causes. In the '80s, my father, a young man in his 20s was already in law school studying to become a lawyer, a supervisor at a book warehouse in New Jersey, and married to my Mom. By all accounts, a well-rounded young man and focused individual. Sadly, these types of traits were not present in all of my father's siblings and at the time, his older brother, whom I assume he looked up to, was hooked on heroin. Heroin was a big deal in the '80s on both the island of Puerto Rico, where my father was from, and in New Jersey, where my father had lived. My Mom told me that one week in October 1985, my uncle visit from Puerto Rico. He arrived on a weekday and could not hang out with my father until the weekend because of his work schedule and duty to me and Mom but when they finally linked up for a brothers night out, my uncle, in a truly irresponsible, stupid, selfish and crazy act, offered my father heroin and for reasons that I will never know, he accepted it. I can only assume that my father was heavily influenced by the love and admiration for his brother that he never questioned the safety or lack thereof of what he would offer him. On that night, my father, who had never tried heroin before died of an overdose. He was 22. My mother was 19, pregnant and I was 3 months old.

    I, now, at 36 wish more than anything and suffer daily from the yearning to talk to, listen to, and use the advice of my parents. I have 3 children now from 2 different women and there is nothing more that I wish for than to be able to get life perspective and insight from the only people that I know in the world who would tell me the truth and with unwavering love and support. It is often too painful to bare the thought of continuing through life without them. Both of the people who made me, who gave me my life, and whom I felt my first love for and from. I cry every day and it has become so that it happens in random places and literally in seconds. At work, online at the grocery store, at the kid's school, at the park, in the car, in the bathroom before work, in the kitchen, and everywhere else where I see, hear or smell something that triggers a memory of Mom or an inquiry that Dad may have been able to help with.

    What do I do? Can I do anything? Will there ever be any form of inner peace or acceptance? Is it even ethical to try to free myself from this type of grief? Is it fair to even ask?