Lost husband in covid

I lost my young, gorgeous, funny, devoted husband to covid last April. Our relationship is 22years old, our marriage 16, and our kids 12 and 10 years old. My friends, family and acquaintances have rallied around us during his brief illness, and all the time during my bereavement. But nothing seems to put anything right. I miss him terribly every moment. I grieve for myself for losing my partner in everything, grieve on his behalf for missing out on the best part of his life, and grieve on my childrens behalf for losing worlds best father. I have a well paying job, but have lost all interest in working. I am crazy in love with my children, still cant stay strong for them. It is like the light has entirely out of my mind. Life donrt seem worth living anymore. I donr know where I am heading, all seems so hopeless and unfair. I used to be a strong, independent, happy and resilient person. I have no access to that person anymore, all i can feel in pain that knows no ending. Dont know how I am going to live out this life.

 

I hear the hopelessness and despair of the cry of your heart. I am very sorry for your loss.
I too lost all interest in everything including my job. I just kept going there, but I am ashamed to say I was completely disfunctional. They shouldn't have been paying me. I thought I could never survive my loss, and it is only by the grace of God that I did. May God send you strenght and healing.
Chris

 

Thank you, Chris. I wish I had faith like you.
I dont know why God has snatched away the light from the life of mine and my childrens'.
What wrong did we do?
I know we will live, but we will always live with this pain and emptiness inside our hearts.
I cant understand why God had to send this our way.
I am angry, and totally hopeless.

 

I understand your feelings and they are normal for what has happened to you. You have suffered a tragic, shocking loss and it will be painful for a long time to come unfortunately. But all is not lost forever.
You asked what you did wrong. It is not that you did something wrong or that God has snatched away your beloved husband. The terrible darkness of death has taken him. God gave humanity the choice in the beginning of whether we wanted to love Him and follow in His ways of wisdom or follow our own selfish and foolish ways. Our forefathers chose to follow their own ways when they disobeyed God in the garden. God had warned them that nothing good would come from choosing their own way instead of seeking His wisdom. He also warned them that the result would be death-and that is why we now have to suffer that consequence until this age is past. God never intended for us to be separated from those we love. God gave our forefathers the choice of life, but they chose death.
Jesus said in the new age there would be no more sorrow, suffering, or pain. We will have an abundance of all we need and so will everyone else. We will never be separated again.
I am so sorry for your pain. It is such a difficult walk down the road of grief, but you are not alone. I care about you and so do many others on this site and we understand how difficult it is because we have suffered the same thing.
I love you and hope in some way I can encourage you to go on even when that seems impossible.
Please stay in touch and share your true feelings. It is one way to move forward.
Chris

 

Thank you Chris, for taking out time to talk to me.
It means a lot.
I dont know what to expect of life, in some way all my efforts towards living a more righteous and worthy life has come to a nought.
All my life I have tried to uphold the values of honesty and compassion.
I constantly tried to give my best to whatever I have done. I constantly worked towards providing a happy home and a beautiful childhood to my children.
But here they are now, fatherless, and stuck in a gloomy house with a barely-coping-with-life mother.
They deserve so much better, we deserved so much better.
Now I feel that all our efforts in life are meaningless. I feel like what is the point of doing anything when fate is so much more powerful and so cruel?
How to navigate through a life where at any moment, anything can be snatched away from us?
Life seems to be completely meaningless, apart from utterly unfair and bewildering.
Hope my rants won't drive you away.
Thanks gain, Chris.

 

There is no way your comments are going to drive me away. This is a good outlet for all your frustrations and I am a good listener.
I hope my honest responses won't drive you away. I don't know any other way to respond except to share what I have learned through my experiences in life. I am older than you. I hope that doesn't make any difference to you.
It is is so admirable that you have always given everything your best. Your efforts are certainly not meaningless. You have been a help and a blessing to so many. That is what we are supposed to do. We are here to love and help each other.

I think you have realized that many things in this life are beyond our control. This is not an entirely bad thing because it makes us realize we need to depend on God for everything-especially now that you have so much depending on you alone. It is too much responsibility for a person to bear alone. God wants you to look to Him for your needs-but He did not take your husband to teach you this. The seasons of life and death took him.

King Solomon, who was known for his wisdom, said there is a time for everything. " a time to be born and a time to die,m a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance" -in other words, it is just a part of living in this fallen world.

Yes, it is bewildering trying to figure out why this happened. The first thing I realized after we lost our son, was that I knew nothing. I thought I knew how everything in life worked, but I didn't. I kept saying to myself, "I just don't understand this. Why is my son gone and I am still here", but I just kept telling myself only God can help me because I knew no other human could. As I hung on day by day finally I began to see some progress in moving forward.

I hope my responses are a help and not a hindrance to you. I want to support you as much as I can.
Let me know how your day goes.
Chris

 

I know how hard this all is. I am here for you. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Thank you, Chris, you are such a kind and sweet soul.
Your faith and your honesty gives me hope.
I look up to you for trying to help so many people in this site.
At this point, I find it a great comfort to have connected with people like you.
My own family and friends are trying their best to be with me, but I cant relate to them.
They are asking me to be brave, to be strong, and they are so right.
But I feel like they will never understand how powerful my pain is, how I feel i am never going to win against it, it has got me defeated full and final.
But when someone like you talks to me, I can relate, i know they have found peace and light and now trying to pull others out of the darkness.
My heart feels consoled in some way.
I lost my father at a young age too, and miss him till now.
My primary goal in life was to give our children the great childhood they deserved, and I felt so blessed that my husband was such a fantastic father.
After losing him so early, and so unexpectedly, I feel that fate has the cards stacked against me and my children.
However sincerely I try, I am never going to get them the perfect happy home that most of the children have, automatically.
My husband was my crush from college days, I was crazy in love with him.
I put my heart out in every way in our marriage, now my love has nowhere to go.
I will still give my very best to bring up our children, but without him, it feels like a chore, and not the labour of love that it used to be.
I also feel guilty about feeling this way about my children. They are so strong, so loving, such sweet kids.
I wish I could find my way among so much pain.

 

Thank you, dear.
I think I will do the usual today.
Wake up, cry some, go to work, call home to check up on children, go back, spend time with them, eat dinner, take pills and then sleep.
Mornings are terrible, I have to use every drop of my willpower to drag me out of bed.
As the day goes by, i function comparatively better.

 

Thank you for your kiind, beautiful words.
I know what I say can't change your circumstances or your feelings. I just hope it does give you some reason to hope that things can get better than they are now.
If you are doing all these things you listed, you are doing wonderfully. Right now if you can just do the absolutely necessary things, you are doing well.
I always dreaded mornings. I knew I would have to wake up to the same nightmare. The nightmares weren't during the night. They were in the morning when I had to face reality again. I never wanted to go to bed. I would use any excuse to stay up as late as I could. I have a mild sleeping disorder, so I could go to sleep once I went to bed. I just didn't want to go to bed.
Like you, the only thing that could get me out of bed in the morning was the responsibilities I had to my job in order to keep our house, and the thought of not wanting my husband to have to go out into the living room by himself with his thoughts all alone. I neglected my job responsibilities terribly and should never have been paid. I feel the only thing that saved me in that situation was the grace of God. I don't know why someone didn't just tell me I needed to quit or go somewhere else. It could only have been God having mercy on me.
Hang in there. You are doing all you can. It may seem like you are just following a routine, but right now that is a big accomplishment.
I care about you and your children.

 

As I reread your post, I noticed how your post was about how your entire world has changed since the 'rug has been pulled out from under you'. It truly has, and you will mourn the loss of your husband, but also all the other things you lost. This is a hard, painful road to walk down, but you are not alone.
We never expect in one moment's time that everything we ever knew and counted on could be be taken from us. It is a terrible shock to our mind and heart.
Hugs to you.

 

Dear Chris, I came to know you so very recently, but I realise that I have started waiting for your message everyday.
This somehow has filled one void in my life.
For the last two years, my husband was posted in a different city. Every weekend he flew a 2.5 hours flight to and fro just to be with us. People were amazed as how he can take so much trouble every weekend. But he was sure he cant stay away from us for more than 5 days. So every Friday night, we would wait up for him till very late. We kinda saved all our little amusements for weekends. Like we would all just huddle together on the sofa, and i would bake a cake, and cook our favourite dishes, and he would take a little bit of everything with him when he flew back on Sunday night.
On the weekdays, I used to wake up and check my phone for his whatsapp message, and messaged him back. I used to call him from work and in the evening, me and kids would have a video call with him. Deep in my heart, I still hope to find him everytime I check my phone, or whenever my office phone rings, only to be heartbroken all over again.
Now I find a message from you every morning, and I write the reply from my office.
Somehow, I have started to look forward to it.
It is like a warm hand on my shoulder, a sign that even from very far away, there is somebody who wants to lighten my pain.
I was never much religious, but I always had great faith in the strength of humanity.
Your kindness and patience with me has reminded me of my trust in the infinite miracle that is the human race.
Thank you so much for already showing the glimpses of light in this deep darkness.

 

I can completely relate with you that every morning when I wake up from the inevitable nightmare, I find the reality is even more cruel.
Whatever I was running away from in my dream, has already happened, and there is no escape from that. So I was scared to fall asleep. I have been prescribed medication to reduce anxiety, so now sleep comes to me little more easily.

 

You are too kind. It brings peace to me to know that you somehow find support in our correspondence.
I just cannot believe the wonderful, marvelous relationship you had within your family. It is something that any person would long to have also for themselves. I can even more so understand the great pain you are suffering through. Thank God you have children who need you. It may be the one thing that keeps you hanging on.
I know the feeling of expecting to see or hear from your husband again. One day I found myself expecting to see our son pulling in our driveway again. Another time I walked on a trail and just knew he was going to be waiting for me somewhere along that trail. Our hearts just do not want to accept what has happened because it is almost unbearable. Our consolation is that we have experienced what many people long for and never get to experience-the unbreakable bond with someone we love so much and someone who loves us back.
You made the most of every minute you were given with this remarkable man.
It has become a harsh cruel world, so we can be grateful and find solace in the fact that we have had the chance to experience true love.
This is the kind of true love God has for you. Jesus gave everything for us because of His love and desire to rescue us from ourselves. We can understand God's love by our love for one another.
I pray you will be able to keep going on.

 

Yes, Chris.
I must go on, for my children.
But every moment, I cant help but think how much different this life is compared to the one I used to have.
All I can do now is to get used to this much smaller, much sadder life.
And hope that I will get strong enough to hide my sadness from my children.
They have lost their father, atleast they should have a mother who is emotionally stable.

 

You are strong enough and they are blessed to have a mother who loves them so much.
Your love for them will help you and your children to deal with everything else.
What a painful loss you have suffered. I wish I could change everything back to the way it was.
Just keep in mind that the purpose of our trials is to help us to grow into more spiritually and mentally strong people able to help others in the same predicament.
I am sure the weekends are hard to face now.
I love you.

 

I love you, too.
And I am sure everyone who knows you comes to love you too.

Yes, the weekends are now howling with emptiness, the hollow inside me is palpable most of the time.
The horror of being prisoned in a world without Tanmay seems to much to bear, but, there is no respite from it.
I literally feel like I am constantly choking on a throbbing ball of misery and fear.
Still it is so unreal, but so real.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are constantly enduring.

 

Much love, dear.

 

Thinking of you.
I hope you got along okay today at work.