Lost and stuck, 14 months later

Last September my 35 y/o stepson was found dead by his daughter. My husband was devastated! He held it together and buried his son, attended to his exwife's emotional support as they said goodbye to their son. We went through the first year, it was hard, but we did all the firsts: holidays and celebrations. At the same time my own daughter had 3 miscarriages, I had to be there for her as well. Her babies were everybit as important as my stepson. There was such an array of emotions in our home as my husband tried to cope and as I tried to handle it all. He decided that his family was his and mine was mine, he began to visit his family and old friends without me and refusing to visit mine. A void seemed to grow between us, and my desperate attempts to hold on seemed to make it worse. But the end of that first year finally came and went. Everyone is adjusting well except for my husband.
Now my husband is more stuck and more lost than ever and says he doesn't care about anything. He doesn't know how to get past this. I am afraid to say anything to push him one way or another, upset or anger him or further alienate him. He is reading much of what I say all wrong. I actually developed an ulcer. I don't know what to do. How can I help him? What can I do? How long will this last? What are the signs things are getting better? I really could use some answers. Thanks.

 

Would it help if I got my husband a journal to write about his son's life?

 

Hi Lizzie:
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how unbelievably difficult it is for your husband to accept and for you to watch him struggle with that.
It is true that everyone processes their grief differently and we all know that the majority of men are not as communicative as women. Of course there are exceptions to that rule, but few and far between.
As for a journal...unless your husband likes to write and express his feelings that way, it probably wouldn't help. For me, that's exactly what I did. I have sustained many losses over the years and most recently, a number of them all within a very short period of time. I felt overwhelmed and didn't have anyone to talk to. So I wrote in journals, daily. I now have more than a dozen of them...all completely filled up. I could probably write a book for sure! It helps when I look back and read them again, that I can see how much I progressed.
I think the most important thing you can do right now is gently let your husband know that you're always there for him, but give him space and don't take his actions personally. Be as supportive as you possibly can, but don't crowd him. I know this will be hard for you because you love him, but he needs time to heal before he can share. You really have to leave it up to him about much of your support he wants or needs. Pressuring him could make things worse.

I don't know if he reads a lot, but James Van Praagh has written several good books on grief and how to begin the healing process. I have read them all, and they proved to be helpful. He may also benefit from a support group. I know in my area they have groups for parents who have lost a child, and in particular a group for men only. That may be something he'd feel comfortable joining.

Again, I am sorry for your loss and I know this is a very difficult time for both of you. I hope you find the strength and wisdom to help your husband deal with losing his son. Many people on this site are always here to listen.

Take care.
Ellen

 

Oh prayers and advice are so needed. My husband went to pick up his other son and found him overdosed in the bathroom today, he was purposely attempting suicide with 5 bags of heroin, he got 2 in before collapsing. He was revived but feels he has nothing to live for. It has only been 14 months since his brother killed himself with drugs. My husband is absolutely devastated. He and his ex-wife are heart broken. He found him at 2 and I knew nothing until he came home at 8. I could use advice on how to handle this.

 

Lizzie,
Your husband and his ex-wife need to find a way to immediately get their son into a rehabilitation program, preferably a live-in situation. He's an addict who is suicidal and he needs more than prayers. He needs professional help. Wasn't the police called and wasn't he taken to the hospital for observation?
They can advise you on how to proceed.
He needs more help than any of you can give him. I know this will be hard for your husband, but really it's the only way to save his son.
I will keep you in my prayers of course, but please don't wait on this.
Good luck.

Ellen

 

Yes, the police are involved. He snuck away from court ordered rehab last week and had been missing. Turns out his codependent enabling mother was hiding him from everyone. Even from his wife, who is very enabling. Both women are more harm than good. Each trying to be my stepsons favorite. It's messed up. Similar circumstances to how my other stepson was able to OD and die last year. Very different from how I handle my kids! But I love my husband and need to be there for him through this. It is a mess!!!

 

Unfortunately no one wants my advice, it is clear I am just his father's new wife. Even after 5 years. Steps do not count. Never mind I love the family and treat them as I do my own children and grandchildren. I have to resolve to focus on just my husband. And pray for the rest. I am so glad for your advice, thank you.

 

He was in rehab, completed the 30 day program a month ago. Did well for a few weeks, weekly court dates...etc... Then he relapsed. He wasn't ready to change. My husband is doing what he can. But my stepson has a wife and is in his 30s. We are doing the best we can. I am left with prayers. My husband is out of tears.

 

Dear Lizzie:
Yes, you are right when you say that you need to focus on being there for your husband. There is only so much you can do for grown children and it sounds as if you and your husband have both gone to extreme lengths.
Perhaps you could find a group to attend for parents of addicted children. Maybe talking amongst other people who share your pain and struggle would help.
Just be there for each other. I know it must be so hard.
Take care. Talk again.
Ellen

 

Hi Lizzie:
I just wanted to check in on you to see how you're doing. Let me know if you feel like it. I hope you're hanging in there.

Take Care!

Ellen

 

Hanging on. Today I am OK. Yesterday was tough. My husband is having it really hard. His son who survived has court tomorrow. No one bothered telling my husband where his son is. At least he lived. I pray he goes far away from his wife for a long time for short jail and extended rehab and half way house. He will succeed next time, I fear. His dad is terrified next time he will die. Thank you for remembering us.

 

My stepson really hates his wife and life. Why does he think death is a better option than just facing this horrible controlling manipulative "wife" and get it over with so he can start again. Too many are hiding behind drugs and choosing death over standing up for themselves. It is all so wrong.

 

Dear Lizzie,
I truly pray your stepson gets the help he needs. Yes, so many people deal with their problems by abusing drugs, alcohol, etc. and sadly by the ultimate escape-suicide. I guess they think that's easier.
Both you and I know and your husband knows also, choosing life is much harder,but so much more worthwhile. Your stepson has to dig deep to find that heathy side of himself. It sounds as if being away from his wife would be a good start
I really hope it works out well. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care-Ellen

 

Ellen, thank you. Tomorrow he is moved from jail to a rehab 5 hours away. His wife told me tonight that he "enjoys living fast and is going to end it with a big bang." I told her to tell the new rehab, she says she can't due to some confidential BS. I told her she has to tell. Our fear is since he walked away from the last rehab, he will do the same and OD where no one will find him. We live with gut knots and gripping fear of "that" phone call. My husband and his ex-wife cannot live through another child dying and esp at their own hands. The stress we live under is palpable at this point. The rehab is 28 day with long term rehab after in a half way house. My stepson wants out of the marriage. His wife seems to think he loves her more than ever. It's pretty crazy.

 

Hi Lizzie,
Well, I don't have "Dr." in front of my name, but I think a huge part of your stepson's problem is his wife. He's unhappy with her and she's in total denial. It doesn't sound like he's strong enough right now to send her packing. And since he's not a minor and I assume that his wife has rights over your husband and his ex-wife, I think perhaps your husband should get some legal advice. Otherwise the future does not look promising.
It always amazes me how one person can be so miserable in a marriage and the other person is totally oblivious and thinks all is good.
What does your husband say about all of this? Does your stepson's wife also have a drug problem? I don't recall... any kids involved?
Hopefully the counseling he gets in rehab will help him to carry through on what he wants for his life. I think all you can do is be supportive as much as he'll let you.
It's a very tough situation. My heart goes out to you. Just stay strong and be there for your husband.
Always here to listen.
Very sorry Lizzie.