Hello Imeldag. 19 months ago I lost my partner of 30 years. His name was/is Edward. We had many adventures together, unforgettable; I'm left with many good memories. But even with that I don't recognize my life or the person that I've become/evolving. I've had to immerse myself in patience and solitude to survive. I still don't quite know what it means to move forward, I'm just relying on God to help me create the next chapter in my life. I don't have the energy or impetus to create anything new. I wish that someone would have warned me about the pain of losing your beloved/bestie, not that I would've changed anything. I would do it all over again. Peace be with you, Imeldag. ~ Michael
So sorry to hear of your loss Micheal . Thirty years is a long time and I know only too well how beautiful yet sad those memories are . I guess it’s the price we pay for love . When I first lost my husband I felt grief was like walking around with no skin - everything, even a gentle breeze hurt . You are so right about new chapters . It’s a big change but we must not give up . We are alive and being alive begs us to live . We must recreate joy in our lives . My husband left our home in a police car after trying to kill me . It was only after that that I was able to figure out he had dementia but it took ages to come to that conclusion. He had done all sorts of atypical things before that fateful day but love is blind and I didn’t know he was losing his capacity Our lost loved ones have shown us we are lovable people . They have brought us more joy than pain I cry most days but like you I wouldn’t have changed a thing if someone had told me years ago that I would lose him in this way You have more energy than you know so please don’t rule out loving again . Hugs Imelda
Thank you for your kind words, Imelda. I'm sorry for the way things came about for you. My heart feels how traumatic that must have been for you. Early dementia signs can be so hard to detect. Several months before Edward had his triple bypass he began to exhibit signs of forgetting things, his keys... how to use the tv remote, and other things that I tried to ignore or just tell myself were due to 'dialysis day' type of thing. After his surgery and during recovery his frontal lobe function began to suffer even more, and he would say hurtful things that he never would have before. He suffered. I suffered. For today, I just miss him. I wonder if he misses me just as much, wherever he is now... Some days it still feels hard to breathe. Peace be with you. ~ Michael
Thanks Micheal . You are so correct about detecting early signs of dementia . It’s more of a hindsight diagnosis . When you know and love someone all your life , it’s almost impossible to perceive those changes . The loss of empathy , judgment and caring hurt but just like you , I couldn’t put two and two together until long after . Chang ( my husband) used to accuse me of not preparing the packing when we went on vacation , used to insist all items were packed in a certain way l , unpack and repack everything I had packed , then would threw a tantrum before we left and refuse to go at all . He used to lose his temper over tiny things and to end arguments I would just apologize although I had done nothing wrong ad it was the only way to get him to calm down . What hurt the most was the loss of empathy . He used to always ask me ‘ how was work today ? ‘ , then one day I noticed it just stopped . I would ask him ‘ how was your day ? ‘ . He would give some strange reply like ‘ I can’t get the printer to work, you must have broken it the last time you used it ‘ and then silence It sounds like Edward suffered that same loss of who he was and that you cared for him through his illness . You had the added burden of his physical as well as his mental decline Dialysis and bypass surgery are major health burdens and gosh none of that was easy for either of you ! Losing someone like this is like the most lost feeling in the world and family and friends can’t understand. Thr pain is immeasurable. The silence deafening and th3 disbelief lasts way beyond the initial shock of sudden loss Every morning when I wake up I have to retell myself what happened and another part of me, having heard the story again and again says ‘ No , no - it can’t be !!’ There is enormous suffering in losing a loved one I don’t know if you like music but I found a lady gaga song speaks best to grief . It’s called ‘ til it happens to you ‘ Listen to it if you choose it’s very raw and real and it helped me a lot For today I hope you find some little joy . A warm cup of tea , a walk in the early fall sunshine and maybe a chatter of a favourite book Take comfort in knowing you did more than your best in loving Edward , you gave him your heart and soul and you deserve peace and comfort Warmest hugs Imelda
Imelda, you are so right on track. It was the empathy that was the first to go. No matter what I did there was always something he didn't like: the food I'd prepared, the way his bed bath was done, that I gave him too many medications, I'd have to describe to him each pill and it's action. He had more than 10 prescriptions and multiple over the counter supplements. Then the worst was when he'd tell me that I wasn't a nice person, I'd get hurt and mad and tell him good luck finding care like mine anywhere else. After more than 30 years in healthcare, I knew how to take care of a body. But again, I'd do it all over again if he needed it. I wonder if anyone will be there for me when my time comes. I'll likely take my own life at the end, I've seen how suffering is so brutal and so unnecessary (huge fan of physician-assisted suicide - legal in California). I now have developed multiple myeloma, and I will not endure dialysis like Ed did (he did it for me). So the end stage will be quick due to kidney failure. I'm not afraid of death whatsoever. In fact, I feel like I'm living with one foot on each side of life and death already. Right now, my faith and the ability to endure suffering is all I have. Take care of yourself today. Hugs, peace, healing surround you. ~ Michael
You must not give up Micheal. So sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis . It’s a lot to deal with . Folks can live for many many years with multiple myeloma providing they get proper care so self care needs to be your priority now . You lost many years of self care before your lost Edward so now it’s your time to get all that self care . Don’t think of death as a release - you have a lot of life left . I work in health care too and once a patient called me over on a busy night . He was only 30 . Had been admitted with end stage cancer . He asked me to put out my hand and placed a piece of paper in it and folded my fingers over it . He said ‘ read this when you get time ‘ I was exhausted as it was a crazy shift . I placed it my pocket and only opened it after my night shift , it said ‘ Life is beautiful, please live it for me ‘ I ran back to his bed space , but he had passed away Since then I have held to that belief Since I lost Chang , I set up a program at work to honour the wishes of the dying - simple things like being taken out to see the sun , having a final drink of beer , hearing a favourite song It’s has become viral in a good way . I have rejoined art school and am learning art in the style of the old masters , I have taken up pole dancing ! , I have taken my ski instructor exam and I have adopted 5 rescue cats , I have created a water garden with no previous gardening experience and I have started a national program to humanize care of the patients I have kept my promise to that young man and lived life None of us know how long or short we have but in the words of Tim Robins ( Shawshank Redemption’s) - Get busy living !!! If you get a chance watch Shawshank please Get a cozy blanket and a nice cup of tea and snuggle up in front of the telly and watch it Please be kind to yourself - you have more than earned it Warmest hugs Imelda
Thank you for caring, Imelda. I'm sure your story will touch many lives. From my perspective you are an exceptional person, and I'm so proud of you that you've created so many good things. I don't have that zest for life like you do, I wish I did! This is my fourth cancer diagnosis over the past 40 years. I'm tired. I don't plan on seeking treatment for the multiple myeloma. I only look forward to the next step in my cosmic journey. Blessings. ~ Michael
So sorry to hear that you have been diagnosed with cancer for a 4th time Micheal . That’s a lot and I can understand that you are tired . I find that when I am tired I feel low and that’s only with physical exhaustion so I can only imagine how tired you feel with cancer . I can understand that you don’t want to seek treatment but before you make that decision please listen to the advice of your physicians . Get some idea as to how advanced your myeloma is and what treatments are available . No need to have them but knowledge is power and your need to harness any power you have to make informed decisions Also ask yourself if you are making this decision out of grief. What would you decide if Edward was still with you in this world . Would you seek treatment then or not . Please get all the information you can before deciding fit site and maybe see a grief counsellor for a few sessions just to check what impact grief may be having on your decision making No need to change your mind but you owe it to yourself to make sure you are making the best decision for yourself Yes - I have a zest for life but it comes from a place of deep pain . Before I lost Chang he became very distant and demanding . Having had several cycles of fertility treatment in my 30s , because he wanted a child - I had hoped that he had now moved on and given up on that dream . However in his late 40s he started insisting that I seek further treatment . As I was now in my mid 40s , I was not at all keen but it became impossible to stand my ground as he became obsessed . I told myself that it was his dream and because I loved him , this is something we should do . To cut a long story short our son was born through surrogacy in 2017 Chang was a happy full time dad but rapidly developed bizzare behavior and in the middle of the pandemic he was arrested for trying to kill me I was 52 , alone with no family in this country , in the middle of a brutal winter with a 3 year old child and a more than full time job , with my beloved husband paranoid and delusional in a high security institution I knew I could not raise our son alone and keep afloat . I knew it was impossible on so many levels After months of trying to solve the impossible , I found a lovely couple who informally adopted our son He know lives with them and I see him regularly I have become his honoury grandmother My husband still sees our son , once a week for one hour supervised by professionals I have cried more tears than I ever knew I had I have laid on my floor shaking in tears in those early dark days when our then 3 year old son asked ‘ where is daddy ? And I would say s ‘ gone to get warm clothes for you and I ‘ As night drew close he would ask ‘ Why isn’t daddy home , he will be cold ‘ and I would say ‘ don’t worry daddy will be ok ‘ and tuck him into bed and go to the basement to cry so he could not hear me Now he knows ‘ daddy’s brain is broken ‘ and accepts that he lives with new parents When I see him , I show him as much love as I can and I hope that when he grows up he will not be angry that I made the most difficult decision of my life to find him new parents
Dear Imelda, thank you for sharing more insight about your difficult and heart wrenching journey. I think finally expressing to your son that 'Daddy's brain is broken' is honest and wise, because that's the truth. I think finding him a suitable couple to help raise him is such an example of unconditional love, and it really does take a village to raise a healthy child. I'm sure there will be many more tears along the way, but there will be joy and happiness to experience too since you'll be a presence in his life. Thank you also for your concern and advice pertaining to my multiple myeloma. Believe me when I say that I'm already well-versed by my oncologist and others about treatment options and outcomes. I have no fears of dying. Once I develop kidney failure I will not seek dialysis, it's a horrible existence, it's not what I'd consider living a quality life. Seen it. Been there many times. In California, Physician-assisted Suicide is legal. As my time approaches that will be the release that I'll seek. These decisions do not stem from grief or depression. It's more about body autonomy and living vs. just suffering. I don't subscribe to any particular religion that might somehow believe that there is spiritual growth by suffering a horrible death. May your healing journey be a peaceful one. ~ Michael
Good evening Michael Thanks so much for your kind words and reassurance . Giving up our son was the hardest thing I ever did but I did it because I knew it was best for him . Chang was always super keen to be a Dad but sadly that dream only lasted 3 years Our son is a happy child and I know he understands the reasons in his own way I am glad that you reached your decision after considering all the options . It’s sometimes better to chose quality of life rather than quantity and it sounds like you have thought this through in detail. Having a peaceful death is something so many folks never get and having to suffer at the ends of one’s life is not something anyone should have to face . I am not religious either . I like to think there is a spirit world but honestly I am not sure . Sometimes on a bad day I see a hummingbird in my garden and think it’s a messenger from the gods but in reality it’s proabably just a hungry migrating hummingbird come to get nectar from the flowers . It’s is however still a miracle of nature and a welcome visitor I try to live as if this is the only life I will get to enjoy . I miss Chang terribly . Sometimes I feel like I am keeping company with a ghost . Even though he is alive , he is not really alive in the sense that he was before . I haven’t seen him for years but I imagine him there . I imagine what he would say and talk his words in my head as though he was replying to mine . I imagine him skiing behind me as I ski down the mountain alone , saying ‘ you are turning too tight ( he was an expert skier and liked to give me tips lol ) , I imagine him at the bottom of the mountain saying ‘ let’s get a coffee and get these boots off ‘ , I see his face in the faces of strangers and hear his voice rise from my memories , memories that seem too recent to be just memories . His ghost is my companion Eighteen months ago I met a gentleman who lost his wife to cancer and we have stayed firm friends We give each other comfort and I think we will stay together until death parts us Still despite new friendship grief finds me but I try to tell myself I must live . I want you to live as happy a life as you can in the time you have . Don’t think only of how the end of your life may be . Death doesn’t wait for any of us so we shouldn’t wait around for death either . Life is for living even if it’s shorter than we wish , without the company of those we love or with the burden of illness . You have planned your passing well and chosen the way you would like the end of your life to be , maybe now it’s time to plan some joyful things for the life you have left , little things can make a big difference Your life may be long or short but it should be the best life you can make it ,no matter what . Warmest hugs Imelda
Good afternoon Imelda. I'm glad you have found some comfort, sometimes bittersweet, I imagine. I've never been a religious person, but I've known since I was a small child that there was a spark of fire in my belly, heart, and mind that came from a Higher Power. As I've gotten older I realize I'm more agnostic - I believe in God and the Graces we receive, I just don't profess to know what God thinks or looks like. I have experienced miracles in my life. I have been saturated with forgiveness and unconditional love. I have seen people's spirit leave their bodies and float upward on multiple occasions - they were heading somewhere good. This is just my truth. I have utmost respect for everyone that does subscribe to a religion, finding peace and comfort on their own path. Edward was the most spiritual person I've been blessed to know. He was Native American and followed the ways of nature and shamanic principles. I learned so much from him about personal responsibility, stewardship of the earth we walk on, and finding peace with others that walk with us. I so miss his insight and support. Now I rely on memories of what he taught me. Respect. Keep weaving your tapestry of integrity! Glad to know you. Hugs ~ Michael
Michael, it has been months since I was on this site and when I checked in today I was so sad to see what is going on in your life. But in a way I am envious of your resolve about the future. You may recall that my husband of 38 years, David, died of Alzheimer's after a 6-year struggle when I was his sole caregiver. He died in March. He gave me a life that few will ever experience. My love for him all those years was so intense I could barely contain it. My world is upside down now. As it turns out our home is deeply damaged by termites (even though we have always had Terminix) and so I will have to move out when they begin reconstruction. My greatest sorrow has been the suffering of my tiny dog who is not recovering from his grief over David. I have taken him to several vets 6 times and consulted specialists across the country about his deep sadness. He is in perfect physical health, but his bond with David is unbreakable. I can endure my own suffering, but not his. He wanders from room to room, and at night he bangs on the door with his paw of the room he last saw David. I don't know about you, but I am not getting any better. In fact, I am far worse emotionally than I was when we last talked. I struggle to hang onto my Faith, I beg God to help me, but the pain is only worsening. I want to go where David is. That's all. I am so sorry you are dealing with multiple myeloma. It is a blessing that you have a plan of action for what comes. My heart is with you. You have known great love, and that is the most wonderful thing any of us can ask of life. Blessings...Leslie
Hello dear Leslie, nice to hear from you. I've been wondering how you and your fur baby (Skye?) are doing. The bond you both had/have with David are a real tribute to love that he embodied/spirit essence. I believe that animals can see/sense David and Edward near to us. I certainly understand how everything feels upside down now. I'm finding that my spirit connection with Edward is growing, while my earthly broken heart falls deeper into isolation and despair. The people in my life have become numb to my pain and loss so I have to turn inward for the support that I need (GIC is a priceless help as well). I continue to participate in individual grief counseling, which has included hypnotherapy (EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). This has been a tremendous help with events around Edward's death, as well as PTSD from events throughout my life (assaults, near death events/illness). The down side is that the more I become 'cleared' of past debris it seems to have brought me to a place of clarity around my new situation; an abyss that must be crossed, like it or not. Has the military finally spread David's ashes at sea? Has that given you any peace to have completed that ritual of grieving? I hope your heart has some peace. You are such a precious soul. Lean into the pain when you're strong enough to face it, lean into God when you feel weak and hopeless. I know, easier said than done. As disappointing as it sounds, the second year after seems to be harder than the first year. It's gut wrenching accepting that 'it' has happened. Please know that my heart reaches out to you, sister. Please keep in contact to let us know how you're doing. Sending love and hugs your way. ~ Michael
Michael, I am so grateful to hear from you. And I am so very sorry that you too are dealing with isolation and despair. I have a picture in my mind of Edward with his arms wrapped around your shoulders, enveloping you with his love. In the end, that may be all that matters. So many people don't understand that for some of us, the world has become a place that no longer feels like home. Nothing has any meaning for me anymore. All color seems to have been drained from my surroundings. So many people say, "your husband would not want you to feel this way, he would want you to go on". But that's not true. David had a Light and a Joy for living that forced him to cram vibrancy into every moment, but he did not have an attachment to this world. His spirit had been darkened by War and he felt that this life was but a brief stop in some greater journey. I believe he approves of me wanting to be with him. He would never want me to hasten that reunion, but he would be happy if we could be together soon. As to his ashes, the Burial at Sea has still not taken place. The Navy says they will call me the day of the ceremony, but they told me not to count on it. I don't remember if I told you, but I had to involve my state Senator in this matter and of course the head of the Navy wrote back a "word salad" letter to him explaining their nonsense. But the Senator's actions did get David's Burial moved up to about two months from now compared to the earlier estimate of late next year. The whole thing has sickened my soul. But now I have developed a heart problem which in a way I am grateful for. I have made arrangements with my 2 relatives in the next state to take SweetPea, my Maltese, if something happens to me. His precious little soul deserves so much love and attention. We learn, in the end, what really matters in this life, don't we Michael? I pray that whatever physical trials lay ahead for you that you are comfortable and at peace. You know that Edward is there. You know that God loves you. You know that when we finally leave this fallen world it is a gift and a blessing. It is all written. Please tell me more about your EMDR experience. I have read great things about it and I am so happy that it is helping you. The "clearing" of your past debris is such an important crossroads, and I can only imagine that your new clarity leaves much space for your healing. Sending prayers to you, and much love......Leslie
Hi Leslie, you are so right, this has become a place that no longer feels like home. That is precisely why I spend 95% of my time at home, this is where I still can feel Edward's presence and love. The outside world offers no comfort right now, and current feedback from friends and family sucks! I have all of my food, water, and misc delivered to the house. Shopping used to be fun but it too has lost it's luster. I'm disappointed and saddened for you that David's ashes are still in relative limbo. You both sacrificed for this country and deserve better. I feel like David wants you to know that it's all ok from where he sits, and he wants you to make peace with the situation. His Light, Joy, and Vibrancy outshines anything that 'living folks' can throw at you. He wants you to breathe... You asked about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) therapy and my experience: - the therapy (your eye movement tracks the therapists wand in rapid succession) takes memories/experiences/trauma/ptsd/grief from your active memory banks and moves the experience to your stored memory banks; removing the 'gut punch' feeling to just a memory that you have. - I explain it to people this way: Imagine you're standing in a field and a tornado is coming in your direction, you feel fear, panic, fight or flight (it's in your active memory bank). etc., right? Well, after the therapy it's like your simply reading a newspaper article about a tornado that appeared in a field (now in your stored memories), and you don't have the same intense feelings you had before. So far I've had success with: - things i heard, saw, felt on Ed's day of death. It was traumatic of course. After EMDR those images are now just like pictures in a photo book. I feel peace. - for four years (I retired just at the time Covid 19 was coming to the USA) I have had nightmares every night about my final place of employment, I left under a whistleblower investigation - patient lives at stake. After the EMDR I've not had a single nightmare for 2 months. - while living in the SF Bay Area I was assaulted/robbed (with physical injuries) on 3 occasions, allowing PTSD to take over so much of my life. After the EMDR therapy my PTSD is gone. Now their just memories with no emotional attachment. The comfort and ease of this treatment seemed too simple to be true, but more effective than I dreamed possible. Here's 'the thing' - not everyone can access parts of their subconscious mind with gentle hypnosis. It's sort of like catnip, only half the cats on the planet are drawn to catnip, the other half don't have 'the switch' that makes them susceptible to the joys of catnip! EMDR therapy is evidence-based medicine so you'll find trained therapists in most medium to larger cities. Look for a therapist that is an MFT, or LCSW with the special EMDR certification. Let's try and have as good a day as we can today. David and Edward would like that. Love, Light, and Peace be with you... ~ Michael
Michael, I am so happy and heartened by your finding relief from PTSD. That is miraculous! I have watched podcasts of Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) and it seems he used EMDR as part of his healing protocol for veterans. It makes so much sense. I am very sad that you were assaulted in San Francisco. That it happened 3 times says so much about the complete transformation for the worse of that once beautiful city. I was born in Berkeley and I can remember so well the wonders of the "Paris of the West". But now your bad memories have been relegated to a mental library, hopefully no longer triggering emotional responses. As to your physical health, are you doing any alternative treatments? I can tell you many stories of friends and relatives who had outrageous cancers and decided to take unorthodox remedies, with 100% remission. My Godmother was diagnosed with the final stage of colon cancer and she and her sister (who had the same diagnosis!) got in her car and drove to a Laetrile clinic in Mexico. They stayed there for several months, undergoing daily coffee colonics, Laetrile and a radical change in diet. When they came home they went to their regular physicians who had told them prior treatment to get their Wills in order, and were found to both be cancer free. They both lived another 30 years (died in their 80's). I was always surprised how disciplined they were about their diet. They started each day with a coffee enema, then they drank organic vegetable juices made with an old Champion juicer along with eating these special crackers they made from certain grains. I remember they had a grain mill so that they could have the freshest flour possible for the crackers. Nothing else ever crossed their lips- for life. After treatment, my 65-year-old Godmother took up skydiving! She was a brilliant woman who had tremendous influence on my life. My prayer for you, Michael, is complete physical comfort. I hope you are finding ways to assure that. We are at a time in our lives when all unnecessary things fall away from our consciousness, leaving us to deal with (perhaps) our reason for being here. Because I made my living by Art most of my life, my imagination is now a monster that slams my mind with images and conundrums that clash with whatever is left of my sanity. The thing that is strangling me right now is viewing in my mind the distance between David and myself. When he would travel on business around the world, no matter where he was he called me at least once a day. There was always a tether to him, and now I feel like that tether was cut with a knife and I am screaming in the wind for him. It doesn't help what he was subjected to in the hospital the last 48 hours of his life. I don't recall if I told you this, but while at home his left lower leg turned dark purple overnight. I called the Hospice nurse (a wonderful young man, a veteran) who rushed here and said that it looked like a blood clot had formed. So they took him away in an ambulance. The Hospice nurse told me to wait 30 minutes before driving to the hospital because they would have to check him in, etc. As I was waiting I got a call from a surgeon at the hospital who told me that he was preparing to amputate David's foot!! I was sobbing at this point and I begged him to wait until I got to the hospital to talk to him. When I got there he was not available so I sat with David who was unconscious due to the Seroquel, etc. I stayed with David through the evening and since he was stabilized I went home to feed the dog. I called the hospital and they told me another doctor had taken over and I could see him in the morning. When I got there in the morning David was still somewhat unconscious but he responded to me. I looked down at his foot and the surgeon had inked a line around the ankle where they were going to amputate! But during the night another doctor had put David on Heparin and the leg was now completely back to normal! I asked the nurse what was going on and she said David was still scheduled for surgery. I lost it and demanded to see the head nurse. I took photos with my phone of David's foot (with the ink circle) and of the White Board on the wall. Not only was he scheduled for the amputation but also a colonoscopy! There was nothing wrong with his bowel. Now I was terrified and called the Hospice nurse. I told him what was going on and he rushed to the hospital and somehow got David discharged to the Hospice Ward on the first floor. He could not believe what was going on. To make it all worse, they had not given David any water for 12 hours since being admitted. I told the nurse to immediately get me water and David drank desperately. Then I asked if he had been fed and they said "No", because he was scheduled for surgery. I told the nurse to get me Ensure or something like it NOW. She was gone for 30 minutes and came back saying the hospital was out of any nutritional drinks. I ran to my car, drove home, got a bunch of Ensure and rushed back to the hospital where I fed it to David. Within an hour of this the Hospice nurse got David transferred to the Hospice ward. David died the next night. So you see the nightmare we both endured at the end of his life. I now am terrified of, and loathe hospitals and doctors. I can't tell you how many people I know who have been seriously harmed or killed by careless, ignorant doctors within the last 6 months. It's staggering. Yesterday a surgeon here was in the news because he removed a man's liver when he was supposed to remove his spleen, killing him. I look at everything so differently now, from the poor food fed to the people of our country to Big Pharma's greed. In some ways I am glad David is not here to see this. And I often wonder why I was left to deal with it all. Dear Michael, you are a tender and kind soul, and Edward is so blessed to be the recipient of your love and loyalty. All the complicated memories of daily life in a relationship are wiped away by the realization of the meaning of Love. There is nothing else. I see this time left in the corporeal world as a time of preparation and learning. When we rejoin our mates we will hopefully have learned more about this great Mystery and be ready for peace and joy. Please keep me informed about your life. I pray for your comfort and send many loving blessings to you...Leslie
Good afternoon Leslie. Thank you for sharing the heartbreaking story of yours and David's hospital/doctor nightmare on his final days. I know exactly the feelings you experienced: heartbreak, hatred, rage, fear, psychotic episodes, disappointment in humans and their effing stupidity, loathing Dr's and their lack of skill and empathy. I did hear about the poor guy that got his liver removed instead of his planned spleen. Surgeon had 14 years of experience and still effed it up! There's no justice on earth for that family, and money cannot restore anything. While Ed was post op triple bypass, and then a stroke, my unfettered rage at all the incompetence eliminated most of my decency guardrails. I called nurses, doctors, and house supervisors names that would make my prudish grandmother blush in horror. Other nightmares in my local area include: - a patient that was post operative, night shift did not check on the patient's status. She bled out in her bed and they found her dead in the morning. - a patient that was going to be dialyzed, the nurse didn't do her safety checks prior to procedure, machine infused cleaning chemicals into him and killed him instantly. - a patient that had heart surgery, a history of blood clotting disorder, nurses didn't follow up timely - he had to have 3 limbs amputated needlessly. My Irish mother was so right - stay away from doctors and hospitals as long as you can, they can lead one down the rabbit hole of despair and death. In the past I've tried some alternative methods of care, primarily homeopathy, but once my multiple cancer diagnoses started to show up I resolved myself to western medicine, which has extended my life by more than 30 years. As for my current health situation, I don't plan on seeking any treatment. Like yourself, I won't hasten my passing, but I'm certainly not going to slow down my journey back to Edward. I live in a type of limbo now... don't want to make plans for anything substantial in this earthly realm, yet I want to get as much quality time as possible while I can. I'm not very enthusiastic about anything. I know all of this sounds sad, but it's not. Death will come to us all, and we'll leave behind people that will grieve the loss of us. Edward used to tell me not to worry about 'distance' when people/he passes. The veil between realities is thin and our loved ones are now closer to us than before, closer to us than our own breath. I now understand. I feel him close to me, I'm just having to learn a new way of communicating with him. I've consulted with a couple of mediums/psychics and the results have blown my mind. I know he lives... somewhere. Let's try and find peace and comfort today, as much as possible, eh. One day at a time. Love and hugs. ~ Michael
Michael, did Edward ever cook for you? For some reason as I was reading your reply I had a vision in my mind of him at a stove, laughing, stirring a pot, steam rising, with a towel thrown over his shoulder. Because so much of my life was devoted to making Art, (and sadly selling to awful people), I have always seen words as pictures. Everything comes through my mind and eyes as a snapshot. It wasn't until I was in my teens that I realized this was not how most people processed life. I think that is why dealing with David's death is so monstrous; it's all in pictures, all vivid, all alive. I moved to Jamaica when I was 18 and sold my art to tourists throughout the Caribbean. I had posters reproduced and found a distributing agent to handle the money part. I learned that Jamaicans were the most spiritual people I had ever known. I lived there for 5 years, and often heard of women dying of a Broken Heart. Jamaican doctors, all trained at the finest universities in Europe (all superior to American doctors) recognized women dying of a broken heart as a legitimate medical condition and would use it on the Death Certificate. I was living in Kingston and had a friend who was a prominent dentist on the island. He had 5 brothers and sisters and his parents, both doctors, were married for 30 years. One day this dentist called me to tell me that his mother was in the hospital. She had discovered that her husband had another wife and children on the other side of the island. She was so devastated emotionally that she was admitted to the hospital. She was in the hospital 3 weeks and her heart just stopped. Like all the women with this diagnosis, she did not have a heart attack, her heart simply stopped. It was culturally understood that one could will oneself to death. I was the "callow" youth of poets, and didn't recognize the suffering this woman endured. Now I understand. Now it all seems so natural, of course not in our culture, but as a part of our species history. How graceful, how poignant, how simple. As to her husband who had hid his other family all those years, he died shortly after. He was a prominent surgeon and was sorely missed. Back to our discussion about American doctors, I had a personal experience back then when I was 18 that cemented my opinion of them. I was modelling at the time and had developed a strange red bump on a tiny chicken pox scar on my face. It kept getting bigger so I went to the Head of the Board of Dermatology in Berkeley. He told me it was nothing and to stop being vain about it. He shamed me. I then moved to Jamaica and this bump had grown to the size of a pencil eraser. I went to a Jamaican dermatologist (trained at Oxford) who told me it was skin cancer, that the Berkeley doctor should have recognized it when it was small. He referred me to a Jamaican plastic surgeon, who had been knighted by the Queen for his work in England. I was still thinking that I would get better treatment back in the states, so I flew into San Francisco and went to the University of California cancer clinic. Because I had presented with a histology of having a very, very rare skin cancer, they put me in a room and placed chairs in a circle around me. They brought in about 10 oncologists and plastic surgeons. They decided they would have to cut my face in half to remove the cancer and I would have a permanent long scar across my face like a deep cat whisker. I walked out and flew back to the plastic surgeon in Jamaica. He removed the cancer by making a small incision in the nasal labial fold, making the scar almost undetectable. He had won his knighthood in England by inventing a way to create a vagina in women with labial cancer by using flaps of thigh tissue. He told me of how sometimes he was called in to service to examine newborns with severe deformities. He told me that he would look at the infant on the table, make the decision about its chances of survival, and often put a pillow over its face to suffocate it. I was of course horrified by this confession and he would look at me as the ignorant American child that I was. He told me that if he did not end these babies' lives, they would be put in a corner of someone's house and left to starve to death. That is how uneducated Jamaicans delt with deformity back then. So, Michael, you can see how my understanding of American medicine developed. I am glad that it has at least helped you survive all these years. I hope you are eating well and eating things that you truly enjoy. I was convinced very early on that you are one of the Chosen Ones. You have been given a depth of soul that has meant a life truly and deeply lived. Edward is so blessed to have your love. Life is our Great Mystery, isn't it, Michael? Do you have people to help you?...Love always, Leslie
Dearest Leslie, I believe you are gifted with an exceptional 'second sight'. For two days I've been looking at Edwards spice rack, wondering if I should give it to one of my nephews that loves to cook. I don't think that I can because his finger prints are on every bottle of spice. Edward was an extraordinary cook, a true joy - for both of us. So, the image you had with him cooking and smiling, with a towel on his shoulder is right on track. I no longer cook, and due to IBS I can't eat much. I'm sustained by two protein drinks and a couple of snacks in between. Food is no longer a joy - but I'm still grateful for the sustenance I'm given. I have not had the fortitude to process all the books and things in our home office, I've only gone in a couple of times in 20 months. All of this keeps me wondering about what to keep and what to get rid of. Most of me says to just leave things the way they are and let my nephews deal with it when I pass on. Broken Heart syndrome is more common than people hear about. My time in healthcare allowed me to experience this phenomenon four or five times. When couples were both admitted to the hospital we would cohort them in the same room. When one half of the couple would die, the other usually would pass within 24 hours. I used to think how endearing that was, now I realize how fortunate they were. Those of us left behind when our partners die have to suffer in devastating ways. The best parts of me died along with Edward. It is unfortunate that we Americans think we have the best healthcare system in the world. We don't. In the past 10 years that I worked we hired mostly doctors that had been trained in Caribbean medical schools. I recently went to see a local ENT doc to check out a swollen lymph node in my neck. Doc palpated the area of my neck for about 20 seconds then sat down to tell me that it was melanoma (I have a history...), stage 2 or 3. He then proceeded to pull out his picture book to explain how he would have to resection my face and neck, which included taking most of one of my jaw bones. I literally laughed in his face and told him that wasn't going to happen, no matter what. That type of disfigurement would certainly turn me into a complete 'shut-in'. The biopsy of the lymph node showed normal cells only. I didn't give the doc a second thought. He called me two weeks after the biopsy (!) to tell me that the results were normal. I laughed at him again and told him that I'd already gotten the result from my patient portal report... I confronted him about his arrogance in the early diagnosis he gave me, asking him 'what if I had been a young parent and he'd made me suffer the possibilities of malignancy for weeks'... He just laughed. That told me everything I needed to know. Our bodies have an intuitive knowledge when there is an issue or concern, and when concern is not necessary. We just need to listen and not rely completely on someone else's knee jerk ($$$) 'medical opinion'. I agree with you that Life is a Great Mystery - the beauty of creation, the joys and pain of everlasting love, the mystery of perfect and unconditional love that awaits us on the other side. Thank you for your support and love. Loving you right back. You and SweetPea have a great day! ~ Michael
