Loss of my wife

I lost my wife Jan 3rd. 4 days after her birthday. She hadn't been feeling 100% but neither of us knew exactly how sick she was. She went into sudden liver failure and died less than 12 hours after going to the hospital. My life is shattered beyond words

 

Joe, words can't express how deeply sorry
I am about the sudden, shocking death of
your wife and soulmate right after her
birthday, so recently. I know too well the
feeling of being "shattered". May I ask
your wife's name, and how long you
were married? My wife , Linda , died
suddenly in front of me of a pulmonary
embolism, while undergoing physical
therapy in a rehab unit of a nursing
home. Linda was 68. We were married 25
years,no children. That was over 4 years
ago. I still cry a little every morning
when I wake up, but not sob, like I did in
the beginning. I couldn't sleep back then,
and had PTSD, bc I couldn't get that last
image of Linda out of my mind. I had to
see a grief counselor in her home/ office,
At first , all I did was cry. I insisted on
saying Linda's name, instead of just my
wife. The therapist kindly suggested
Grief in Common ( GIC), but I didn't join
until July of 2021. I'm so glad I did, bc
I've made friends with kind widows and
widowers around the country. I chose
Van Gogh as my user name, but my
name is Lou. You've come to the right
place, Joe, and I hope you stay with us.
You've already taken the first brave
step. My only regret is that I didn't join
GIC sooner. I think you are the only
member in N.J., & I may be the only one
in Ma, on the northern coast, Lou

 

Hi Lou. I'm so sorry about your wife. My wife's name was Nicole. She was wonderful, and a fighter. She fought and beat cancer while raising her son alone. She was 53. The doctors said she had lesions on her liver and her body was shutting down. I still have flashbacks of her last night here, and how sick she became before I had to call an ambulance. She was the better part of me, and didn't deserve such a hard life.

 

Joe, thank you very much for replying to
me right away, and also telling me Nicole's
name. You & I are in the same time zone.
I was about to go to bed and wanted to
check in with GIC one more time before I
went to sleep. I go to bed early, and wake
up early about the same time every day.
Sleep is so important. In the beginning,
after Linda died, and I couldn't sleep at all,
my doctor told me to get a non addictive
bottle of Melatonin pills over the counter.
I was able to relax enough to sleep 4 hours
at first, and was gradually able to sleep
more. Walking outside every day, and having healthy food is essential. Your
phrase: " she didn't deserve such a hard
life" hit me to the core, bc that's how I
felt about Linda, and thought ,wrongly,
that I didn't do enough to "save" her.
My grief therapist suggested 2 books,
which I recommended to my friends here.
When you're ready, one is : Permission to
Mourn ,by Tom Zuba. He was suicidal after
the deaths , by different illnesses, of his
wife and 2 children. Thank God he lived to
write books & give lectures to grieving
widows & widowers. The other book is:
The Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer. His wife , Joy, died
suddenly in front of him, after 40 years of
marriage. My story was so much like his
that after reading the first few pages, I
wept, and had to put the book away. A week later, I started reading it in the
morning over coffee ( not bedtime
reading), and was struck with Jonathan's
honesty about his marriage, with its' ups
& downs, and even humor. I have to go
to sleep now, Joe. But, if you're up in the
night, you can see if other people, in different time zones, like Karen, in
Calif., Bernadine, in Oregon, Robin, on
Long Island, NY, or Rose ,in Italy, will
reply to your posts. There are also my
younger brothers here: Gary, from Indiana,
George, from Illinois, and Chad, who's
younger than you, from Texas. Good
night, Joe. I look forward to "talking " with
you again in the morning. Lou

 

Thank you Lou. I don't really sleep much either. Right now I'm at the " find a reason to make it thru 1 more night" phase.
I appreciate the support from someone who actually understands. I'll be around to check in. And I'll check out those books...

 

I'm sorry for your loss of your wife Nicole. Beautiful name by the that I share with her. I definitely get the finding a reason to make it stage. Its been almost 3 years since losing my Gant and I no if it wasn't for our kids I wouldn't move as much as I do. Sleep is still hard for me most nights too. Time doesn't heal but it makes you stronger at moments to get through. You are in the right place because it makes it easier to have people to talk to that has been through the same type loss. Praying for your strength with each passing day. Your loss is new so don't out to much pressure on yourself. Take deep breaths, get fresh air, make a list of things to do to give yourself something to push forward to get done. If u only do one of those items a day you've accomplished alot.

 

Thank you. "Sweetcole". I like that. Nicole was always so brave. And so much stronger than I will ever be. I miss her. Not just that I don't see her. I miss everything. Even those stupid little things she did that would make me laugh, or just shake my head. Now it all just hurts. I've lost pets, both parents, friends, and family members. But this is so different. I struggle so much. But it helps hear from people who actually understand

 

Hello Joe, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your darling wife, so suddenly, and at such a young age. You've done the right thing joining us here, we can understand what you're going through as we are in the same situation. It's very recent for you too, and everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. It helps sharing with others who can relate to you, you are not alone in this, 'talking' to each other on this site will help you release all those painful emotions you're experiencing, making them more tolerable and in time the strong bond and love you both shared together will give you strength to carry on. I lost my husband suddenly from a cardiac arrest at only 57 years old, he was fit and healthy, dynamic, no health issues. Two years have passed and I am grateful for for this site, I don't think I would have been able to process my grief without everyone here, I am learning gradually to adapt and keeping my promise to my soulmate that I will not go into regression, because (like you say about your wife),he made me a better person, and I intend to go on this way with my life as if he's still here, guiding me,remembering everything he taught me or what we learned both together,during our 25 years of married life.

Sending you strength and I hope you stay with us.
Rose,from Italy.

 

Rose, just woke up at 6am, my time, and
was proud to see you and Nicole welcoming and comforting Joe. Gary once
praised me for being the "glue" who
brings people together on this site. He
also calls me The Godfather, for bringing
the family together. I'm flattered and
honored by his praise, but I think of
myself as a quarterback, who often
starts the play, like I did with Joe, but
others run with the ball, like you and
Nicole did , after I went to sleep. I told
Joe that I had to go to sleep, but to
look for others, in different time zones,
like Karen & Bernadine on the West
Coast and you in Italy. I'm so happy to
see you all on here in Joe's hour of need.
I forgot to tell Joe that I call ourselves
The Grief Warriors ( TGW) bc we leave
no one behind on the battlefield of
grief. You moved me when you said,
"I don't think I would have been able to
process my grief without everyone here".
I feel the same way, and am grateful that
my grief counselor, of years ago, suggested
GIC. It's a vital part of my life, and I tell
both friends & strangers about it. You also
moved me when you said , " I made my
promise to my soulmate that I would not
go into regression", which is very similar
to the promise I made to my wife, Linda,
If I'm one of The Godfathers of this group,
along with Gary : you, Nicole, Robin, DEB,
Karen,Patti, Bernadine. Janiceanne,
Deb , & others ( sorry if I left anyone out),
are The Godmothers of GIC. Thank you
from the bottom of my heart. Lou

 

Gosh! I got goose bumps reading your post, Lou.
Bless you.

Rose.

 

Thank you, Rose. You've become one of my
heroes. As I've said before: in a way, you
and the other widows on GIC, have
become my "other soulmates". If I ever
get involved with another woman, like I
promised Linda I would, she would have
to be as kind, bright, and funny, as you and
the other women here. Lou

 

Thank you all for your kinds words. I'm struggling but I am still here.

 

Joe, it looks like you didn't get much sleep,
but that's only natural , so soon after the
death of your beloved Nicole. As our
Nicole ( "Sweetcole") from Georgia, said,
sleep can be hard to achieve sometimes.
Though I sleep better now, after 4 yrs
since Linda's death ( still seems strange to
say the word death , in regard to Linda), I
cannot help getting occasional sad dreams
about her , and wake up with tears in my
eyes. Thank you for staying with us on
GIC. I don't know what I'd do without it.
Most people in our daily lives whose
soulmates haven't died, can't imagine what
we're going through, since the worst day
of our lives. Lou

 

I just had to break the news to one of my wife's close friends. I can't keep doing this. The overwhelming grief is almost too heavy to bear

 

Joe, I'm so sorry you have the terrible
burden of telling others of Nicole's
death. Right after Linda died, I was in
the Post Office, and a neighbor from our
apartment bldg asked me how my
"better half" was. He's a jovial, divorced
man, about our age , who we both liked.
When he innocently asked that question,
I broke down & wept uncontrollably.
Being the good guy he is, he wordlessly
put his hand on my shoulder until I
stopped sobbing. Fortunately, we ran
into each other a few days later. I had
composed myself, and said that Linda
liked him. and she didn't like many of
the other, nosy neighbors. Lou

 

Joe,

I've been MIA for a while, lots of stuff going on in my life, but I'm so glad that some of my friends have already welcomed you to our GIC "family," TGW. Lou named us The Grief Warriors, as he already mentioned to you. TGW is a perfect name for us!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatment To The Absolute Max), as we're always here for each other, to help each other get through the very darkest days of our lives. I'm so glad you found us, but wish so much you didn't have to!!! It SUCKS!!!

I'm so sorry to hear your wife, Nicole recently passed away. Words seem so shallow at times, but since they're all I have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am. It'll be two years in April, since my husband, Bob, passed away. Time has a way of standing still, and moving forward all at once. It SUCKS!!! Like Nicole, Bob also had cancer, but by the time he passed away, he needed a specialist for just about every body part. I can relate to everything you've said so far. My heart is breaking for you as you're at the beginning of the most miserable journey, for lack of a better word, you'll ever be forced to take... Hang in there!!!

One of the best pieces of advice I can give you, (this is a judgement free zone, so take it or leave it, we'll be here for you no matter what), is that if you do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, life will eventually get easier, it'll become a mix of happy and sad, instead of just sad. Robin, one of TGW, first used happy mixed with sad to explain how she was feeling, and it's how I feel now. Life has become so very bittersweet. The amount of time it takes to reach this place is different for each one of us.

Backing up just a bit, the books Lou recommended to you are excellent. I found that even though I couldn't retain much of anything I read, if it had to do with grief, it stuck in my head. These books, along with help from TGW, made me realize I'm not alone, that everything I was feeling, still feel, is "normal" given the circumstances. I've been doing my best to follow the advice Tom Zuba gives us in "Permission To Mourn," and for me, this book, along with the support of TGW, has become a very important part of my life. I don't think I would have made it this far, in this way beyond miserable journey, with even a shred of sanity left, if it wasn't for these things.

You've taken a BIG!!! step towards feeling better by joining our GIC "family." We will be here with you through every step along the way. Some of the things I found most helpful, was to keep a journal, spend as much time outside in Nature as possible, and if you're physically able to, get in some exercise. I couldn't sleep for many months after Bob's death, and found melatonin helped, not enough to sleep through the night, but even a little sleep, is much better than no sleep. Also, if you can, try to eat healthy foods, easier said than done at times. Keeping a daily to do list helped me focus on the immediate things that needed my attention, such as closing bank accounts, getting my finances in order, etc, etc, etc. Everything else can wait!!! You might have days when just getting out of bed is as much as you can handle. It's okay... Be extra gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to do nothing, spend entire days crying... The more you let out the pain, the better you'll feel in the long run.

I'm starting to ramble, something I'm known for around here, so will stop before I send you one of my "books" as Lou refers to my extremely L O N G!!! posts.

I hope you stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the chance to get to "know" you. As another GW used to say frequently, "There is strength in numbers.

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB