Loss of my husband

On February 27, 2022 I lost my husband of 25 years suddenly. We started dating in 1985 as high school sweethearts. I am beyond devastated by his passing. I have sadness, guilt, loneliness, emptiness and so much more. I am not sure how I continue on because I feel like I died also. We didn’t do a lot of socializing we just hung out together and that was enough. Now I am lost because I don’t have my best friend to things with. He was only 54 years old and about to retire in 30 days. I am lost…… please tell me this gets easier.

 

I am so sorry about the death of your
soulmate. Although you are younger than
I am, my wife, Linda ,& I were also
married for 25 years.She died suddenly
in front of me, at 68. The shock of her
death sent to me to a grief counselor,
who guided me through all the raw
emotions you are feeling. Have you
considered talking with a grief counselor?
I highly recommend it. Linda died over 3 &
a half years ago. My therapist suggested
Grief in Common. But, I didn't join GIC
until July, 2021, and I'm grateful every
day for the close friends, who "get it",
here. May I ask your name & that of your
husband? I have found that it helps to.
say Linda's name. I see that you live in
Alabama. Another widow, Lorry, lives
there as well. I live on the northern coast
of Massachusetts. My name is Lou. Hope
you will stay with us. You made a brave
& wise decision to reach out to GIC. Lou

 

My name is Kelly and my husband’s name was Tim. I have thought about grief counseling although I have not found anything here where I live other than group counseling and I am not sure I am ready for that or online counseling.

 

I will tell you, this gets easier.
First, at some point, there will be an easier minute. Then an easier moment. A chance to breathe without having to remind yourself to exhale. A release of tears that doesn’t rack your body. Over time, the moments extend to blocks of time where sleep isn’t disrupted or you can take a shower without the water hurting your skin. One day you will smile at a small child’s delight or an amusing story told by a friend. It won’t go away, but yes, it gets easier.
Believe that this will pass, this particular hard minute will ease just a touch. You are living with grief. You will find your way… in time feel a little less lost.
My partner, Kenn died last Autumn. Tonight, just after midnight, it will be 5 months.
His death was “expected” life without him will be forever.
I see Lou has welcomed you, he’s correct that saying their names helps. Especially here where we share a common path of learning to live while grieving.
I’m glad you’re here, I’m so very sorry for the death of your husband.
Yes, it gets easier, and it’s absolutely normal that it isn’t right now and may not be for a while.
~Bernadine

 

Thank you , Bernadine, for reaching out
to welcome & comfort Kelly about the
death of her husband, Tim. I'm sorry that
you have to go through the sad 5 month
anniversary of Kenn's death. I told Deb &
other GW that I would rather celebrate
Linda's birth date. The amazing thing is
that her month number & day number
turn up , surprise me, & make me smile,
bc it's a sign from Linda, in the beyond.
I won't lie . I have a strong feeling of
intermittent grief today, which matches
the intermittent dark clouds, rain, & a
tease of sun. I choked back tears on my
walk this AprilFools Day, bc I remembered
that Linda would mischievously play
tricks on me & we would both laugh. I'm
trying not to let the rain get me down. I
like the Bob Marley quote on Center for
Loss today,that one must experience rain
( & grief) in order to appreciate the sun
( & joy). Lou

 

Kelly,thank you so much for saying your
name & Tim's. As for your reluctance
to do group grief counseling, I understand.
I was planning to do it through a hospice
organization, with a kind facilitator, but
COVID hit . I was offered ZOOM sessions,
but I declined. I wish I had joined GIC
back then. I no longer see a therapist, and
GIC fits my needs.I'm glad Bernadine has
welcomed you. I agree with everything
she said about grief never going away,
but getting easier. I came up with the
term, The Grief Warriors ( TGW),to
describe us, bc if one of us stumbles &
falls, we are there for that person. Lou

 

Hi Kelly I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your husband Tim. I lost my girlfriend Cheryl 11 months ago suddenly and unexpectedly. All the negative emotions you described are normal. Google centerforloss.com. There is an article called 6 needs of reconciliation for the Mourner. Please read this. It will give an idea about the effects of grief, how we respond to it, and how friends and family will treat us. Also there is a daily reflection about grief. Many of the grief warriors read this. When I lost Cheryl my blood pressure and heart rate spiked. I was only getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep a night. I couldn’t make simple decisions. I crashed my truck into the garage and almost had an accident with a firearm. My checkbook looked like the Arithmetic done by a third grader. In the article above it describes this condition is called a widow/widowers foggy brain. I started counseling and in person grief support meetings immediately. With only 2 grief meetings a month I felt very alone. Cheryl and I were like you and Tim we didn’t socialize with anyone other than Cheryl’s sister. I have been shunned by Cheryl’s family since. Thank God I found GIC last October. Here we can express our grief without judgment. We identify with the common suffering of each other and encourage and support one another. Patti said no one will ever grieve alone here. That is our mantra. I encourage you to express yourself and ask questions. and above all feel like you belong here. There are strength in numbers. Gary

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your loss is still fresh so your going too feel the sadness, loneliness and etc that you listed. Its been two years for me and I still feel most of those things to. Everyone here feels it from time to time. So you're at the right place. People here understand what you going through and will listen and help in way we can. With time you'll get stronger. I pray for your strength with each passing day.

 

Gary, I always said you are a humorous
wordsmith, in the Mark Twain tradition.
I had to laugh when you said your
" checkbook looked like the arithmetic of a
third grader". The same thing happened
to me. I couldn't read my own writing, &
became sloppy & reckless. My landlady
texted that I hadn't sent my monthly
rent check. It was very embarrassing, &
I apologized. Since then,I've been much
neater, and accurate. I looked at a check
register from before Linda's death, & it
was like I was a different man. Wait,
scratch that------I WAS a different man.
Like you & Cheryl, and Kelly & Tim, Linda
& I didn't socialize with other couples.
That proved to be a big mistake, bc I was
left completely alone. As I've said before ,
Linda was my best ( & only ) friend and
family. Thanks so much, brother Gary,
for welcoming Kelly, like we were welcomed. Lou

 

Well I guess now I know why I keep feeling like my brain is not working. I had some paperwork to fill out and I kept ignoring it because I was so confused at what it was asking for. I had my sister read it and she said Kelly all they need is a copy of your drivers license. I felt really dumb but I just could not understand. I am normally not a simple minded person but since Tim passed away I have really been concerned about my state of confusion. Anyone have any suggestions on how to get past not being able to sleep? Which no doubt that is probably why my thinking is off as well. Thanks everyone for welcoming me. I am sure you will be seeing lots more of me one here.

 

Grief has a physiological component. The trauma of loss really does make it hard to think, to sleep, eat, to regulate your body in meaningful ways.
Rest when you can, sleep will come eventually I’m told, I have nothing more to personally offer on that one but others here have ideas to try.
Don’t hesitate to ask for help clarifying things like you did with your sister. Let her know about foggy widow brain and enlist her assistance. Make yourself notes. Write it clearly and thoroughly or you may not remember what you were trying to remind yourself of. That one I do know personally.
Hang in there, Kelly.
~Bernadine

 

Kelly,I agree with every wise word that
Bernadine said to you. My wife,Linda,
used to call me a copycat, bc I adopted
her ideas. After Linda died,I couldn't
sleep at all, & my nurse practioner
suggested over-the-counter, non
addictive Melatonin. It relaxed me so
I could sleep for a few hours. I found
that writing my emotions in a notebook,
a daily journal, focused my thoughts ,
& I was able to sleep, without the
Melatonin. I take walks in nature, which
also helps me to sleep at night. Do you
have any places to walk near you? Lou

 

Kelly, I lost my husband February 8th, 2022, after 39 years together. I am devastated. I am new here too but already feel a part of this wonderful family of friends. I was lucky to have found them soon after my terrible loss. They have helped me with their kind thoughts and messages every day. We are all very sorry for your loss and as Deb here told me when she welcomed me, "I wish we didn't have to be here". I hope you will continue to reach out to us, there is always someone who listens and responds. When I was younger, I also lost my first husband at an early age of a sudden massive heart attack. We had not been married long. Out of that grief came one great blessing. I met the man that became the love and light of my life for the next 40 years and the father of our two beautiful children. When he passed in February, I was lost and totally overwhelmed. He was my best friend and I miss him more than I can ever say. So many of us here have lost the love of our lives and are dealing with this loss every day. To say it is painful is a TOTAL understatement.... each day is a struggle and not the same for any of us....we all deal with loss in our own way, but reading the messages here has taught me that we are NOT ALONE. Sending you healing hugs and wishes for comfort in your grief, Rita

 

It's definitely amazing how grief effects our everyday life. It will have you thinking something is wrong with you. Like Bernardine said write notes to yourself and ask for help if and when needed. You will have some cloudy days. Sleep is still hard for me. Ive noticed that on busier a may fall asleep for a little longer but sleep on vacation over here. Warm tea or the melatonin may help a little but like someone said try taking walks and just keep as busy as you can. It's going to definitely take some time. Praying for your mind to get some and that you get stronger with each passing day.

 

Sorry I meant on busier days I may fall asleep for a little longer.

 

Rita, it's wonderful to wake up this Sat
morning & see your message & Nicole's.
You are so kind to welcome Kelly, as we
were welcomed. Your story of your 1st
husband was heartbreaking, yet you
survived & had a long, happy marriage
with Ron. You will survive again with
all of us Grief Warriors. I was broken 3
years ago, & nervously walked into an
open house coffee get together at the
local American Legion Post. I walked
over to the oldest member, a 92 year old
Korean War veteran. I quietly told him I
wasn't a veteran,& he said not to worry
about it & sit with him. Turns out his wife
of 67 years had recently died. We became
friends, & I've gone to the Legion every
Sat am ( incl. today) ever since, as the
only non veteran. I had a high lottery
number during the Vietnam war, & did
not serve. No one held that against me,
bc they know I admire their courage.
Well, I'll stop here, bc as our friend, Deb,
says, I could write a "book" . Lou

 

yes actually I live in a wonderful neighborhood with little traffic and I

yes actually live in a wonderful neighborhood that has little traffic and I have been walking my dog here lately. Plus we have lots of parks and such close by.

 

Great to hear, Kelly! Have to run. As you
can see from my reply to Rita, I'm off to
the American Legion Post for coffee. Lou

 

Hi Kelly. I ended up buying a white noise machine for Sleep. I needed some back ground noise to help. It is made buy Avantek and I purchased it on Amazon for 50 bucks. It Has 20 different sounds ranging from crashing waves, trains, several fan noises, birdsongs, a crackling fire, wind, and more. Also I tried at least 6 different sleep meds. Some of them worked part of the time. Nothing was nothing consistent for me. My break though in sleeping was after reading the book Insomnia Solved. Even used this book was over $40. I was able to get off the sleep meds afterwards. Google Self Compassion by Kristin Neff. It has free audio meditations that are very helpful. At my first grief meeting a man suggested reading the book The Long Road Back. I read it and the title is symbolic how our grief journey is a long road back. I don’t recommend it though. The Grief Warriors have been reading Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba. This book has helped me a lot. Gary

 

Gary, I think I mentioned that I learned how to set the timer on my tv. That way there is noise/distraction to fall asleep to but then dark and quiet the rest of the night. I use it almost every night.

Youtube has channels with music, toning, chanting, nature sounds too. Tracks that run for 8 or more hours that I sometimes put on.

I usually avoid melatonin as it’s a hormone that can be tricky to balance in my system. Not for long-term use, just to jump start the circadian rhythm. Sunlight is a great way to balance it naturally, especially morning natural light. I have a full spectrum lamp I use in the mornings during winter.
Vitamin D and magnesium are helpful as well in balancing the sleep/wake cycles and supporting the nervous system.

Even with a poor appetite small portions of nutrient dense whole foods is helpful too. Sugar and chemicals can challenge the system.

Nothing’s perfect when it comes to counteracting the effects of grief, depression, trauma, winter, stress etc. but those are things that kinda help my body along.
~B