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Loss Of Mother, BF & Friends At The Same Time

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by DayDay, Aug 23, 2016.

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Any advice on how to continue on? Everyday just seems like a drag nowadays...

  1. Betrayed

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  2. Trying to heal

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  1. DayDay

    DayDay New Member

    It's been two years since my Mom's passing. During the exact same time my BF and The father of my child decides to end our relationship of three years.

    After Mom funeral and all the arrangements that needed to be done got done I moved back to the states where my "ex" and I resided. We were doing fine. It was hard to see him for the first time and not want to hold him cause I really needed his support at that time. We somehow mended things and I ended up staying back at his house for a week. I had told him I was not comfortable living in their house yet because it felt I should've been at home with family. I had just lost my mom, I really felt I should be with family.

    After I had left his house. A week after that he had brought a girl over to introduce her to his family. I had a feeling they had been talking for a minute before he brought her over to his house.

    I was torn. Broken. I felt my heart was getting torn up from inside of me. Like someone took a half broken bottle and used the sharp edges to stab me in my heart where I couldn't stop it or even heal from it.

    He came back after they broke it off with each other but by then I was numb to everything around me. He then broke up with me in front of a girl that he hoped to "hook" up with during a party we had.

    It's like it kept getting worser and worser for me. Alcohol became a regular thing though I only drank on occasions. Smoking pot became a habit of every three to four hours at a day. Friends seemed to be so blind by what was happening with me. All they did was complain about what's bothering them and what's so "hard" and "unbearable" in their life that I pulled back even more. Knowing all the details of my mom's death, my break up and seeing me like that it's like it never clicked in their head that I was going down a very dark path. We had been friends for more than 5 years that it would've been so damn obvious the way I was acting.

    Family never bothered. Everyone had their own shit to deal with. Friends never got in touch with me unless, they wanted to drink themselves. No one ever asked if I was okay or even tried talking with me and seeing if I was doing okay after everything.

    I felt so damn betrayed. Hurt. Un loved. Alone. It's like one by one everything around me and everyone I knew became so Un loyal and so blind. Everyone I had helped in times they needed me or even just anyone to talk to, turned their back. I was so hurt by what I saw and witnessed.

    I became a substance abuser and I just recently got "clean" of everything else. I ended my years of friendship because when I came to realize it I saw no support and disloyalty from them when I needed them most.

    But even after two years of the biggest less I have ever had to face, it still hurts. I can still feel the pain I felt two years ago when my "ex" whom is the only man I have very loved in my life, decided to break it off, and when only days after that I lost my mom.

    It still hurts. If anything it hurts even more because I gave my heart and soul to people that even after so many years of knowing them and sharing literally everything with them, I realized the truth hidden behind their painted faces. It's like when I finally broke down and had nothing left, everyone turned because I was no use to themake anymore...

    I still haven't healed. Havent gotten one apology. Which is fine. Obviously if someone didn't mean anything to you, you wouldn't bother to apologize right? But I still hurt...

    I don't know what to do but push through everyday with whatever strength I woke up with that morning or afternoon. I'm still pushing through.
     
    Gina Blankenship likes this.
  2. Angelita

    Angelita Member

    It's horrible when no one understands.. hoping things get better for you.
    Would love to chat anytime.
     
  3. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Although you are much younger than I am (63), I felt compelled to reply, because I feel your pain. How? In the past 2 years, I've basically lived it. You sound like a younger version of me. I hope that I can say something that will bring you comfort.
    I lost my Mom in May of 2015. She was my best friend. I was her primary caregiver for the last 1 1/2 years of her life. I made all the hard decisions and I was there when she died. We said all the important things to one another and I know that she knew how much I loved her. It doesn't get any easier. In fact, with time, in some ways it has gotten more difficult.

    My divorce also became final this past July. I was with him for 25 years and married for 19. On XMAS Eve of 2014 I found out he was having an affair for the past 10 years. I just called my lawyer and started divorce proceedings. Although I am relieved that I left such a toxic relationship, divorce is also like a death and it takes time to heal. Especially from such sever betrayal.

    And I am permanently estranged from my only sibling and her daughter...my only niece, who is 28 years old. There are some things that a person can't forgive and that's my situation with them. I really have no family left and no close friends that live nearby.
    And if that wasn't enough, I had to put my 19 year old cat to sleep last year. Although I have adopted another pet (that's her pic), I still miss my old friend every single day.

    And like you, my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest without any anesthesia. Some days I have to struggle to get out of bed. And I have turned to alcohol quite often to dumb the pain. There's only so much vodka and tequila that a person can consume.
    So what I want to tell you is this. I know you are a strong and resilient person, because I see so many parts of me in what and how you expressed your pain. Even though you may feel like you want to give up....you won't. Deep down you realize there is still so much life left to enjoy. You just have to keep pushing through every single day and hope that each one is better than the last. It's very hard to do. I know. And for me, holiday's are the worst because I am basically alone. I know it's hard, so I prepare ahead of time. I try very hard to restrict the amount of liquor I drink and I also volunteer. Helping people less fortunate than I am really humbles you. Everyone is fighting their own battle for sure. And although I'm not a religious person, I have started to pray on a regular basis. Mostly for strength and guidance to help me move forward.

    I know you're going to be OK, because people like you and I don't have a choice. We're survivors, even if we don't think so. I was you, nearly 40 years ago. I have survived a lifetime of heartache, other than what I've told you about above. I'm still here. And many years from now, you will be here also. Hopefully much happier and for sure a lot wiser. Don't feel too bad about friends not being there for you. It's their loss, because you're special and the right type of friends will realize that.

    Consider this reply a "hug" and a huge amount of support.

    Hang in there~ Ellen
     
    griefic likes this.
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Thank you, Ellen, for sharing your story. So often I hear of people having to experience multiple losses, and as you said, not only the death of a loved one but a loss through divorce or estrangement. All of which can lead us to feeling very isolated and alone. Reaching out to find help, and also reaching out to offer help as you have so beautifully done, can really make a difference in how we cope.
    We are a very new site, but growing every day... and every day there will be more people here who understand and who will be available to chat. So thank you for joining and for allowing us to be a part of this journey with you. I truly wish you all the best...
     
  5. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Thank you for your message. I appreciate it. Everyone deals with loss in their own individual way, and for me it's talking about it to others and offering support where it's most needed. I've always considered myself a very strong woman, however losing so much over a short period of time has made me realize how vulnerable a person can be. Aside from treating myself with kindness and doing small things for myself to feel better, I have also been volunteering the last 9 months. And believe it or not, I volunteer in two (2) places that are relevant to my losses. An old age home, visiting people who have nobody to look after them and an animal shelter, where I help to socialize dogs and cats and get them ready for adoption. Is it hard? Yes, very. But it really does warm my heart to see the smile on an old woman's face when I visit her and read to her and just spend time with her. And it gives me such satisfaction when an abused animal warms up to me because they know I won't hurt them.
    In all honesty, every single day is a struggle. I fight off tears when I hear a song or see someone that reminds me of my Mom. I even get emotional when I see a cat that looks like the one I lost. And although this may sound like a cliche, the 2 things that make me grateful and helps me get through is waking up early to see the sun rise and watching it set from my beautiful home that I've made for myself, where I enjoy my new cat and a certain amount of peace and inner contentment. And that is in knowing that no matter what....I'm still here.

    Thanks for listening.

    Ellen
     
    griefic likes this.
  6. Bernagirl

    Bernagirl New Member

    Hope youre gonna be ok